These totally innocent 2022 NFL Season Picks, stored “securely” in the whine cellar of my private club, Mar-a-Wanna, demand that the 2021 season results be overturned and that the Cleveland Browns be declared last season’s champion, just as I had predicted.

Yes, I want to talk about the last NFL season as I try to predict the 2022 NFL season! Yes, I like exclamation points! I am playing checkers while everybody else is playing chess. Obviously! Think about it.

Anyone who tells you that the Los Angeles Rams won last year’s Super Bowl and that the Cleveland Browns weren’t even in the playoffs is clearly part of a secret cannibalistic Satanic cult of deep state government actors drinking children’s blood in order to extend their evil lives. I read it on the Internet.

The lyin’ media lies! You can’t believe anything you hear or read unless it shows up on the Internet. If it is on the Internet, it’s obviously true. Everyone knows that. So let me ask you, where are you reading this? Exactly!

That’s why I have legally challenged last year’s rigged NFL season! I will win, based on my preferred set of facts. You will see! Wait till you meet my lawyer, and my pillow guy. My pillow guy makes both pillows and facts. Home-made facts!  

Speaking of facts and lawyers, the fact is that it is fair to call Deshaun Watson, the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns, with his 11-game suspension for “egregious” and “predatory” behavior, a bad guy. He’s a creep. So what?

Other teams quarterbacks might be bad guys too. Maybe not all of them are creeps, but a lot of them of them are bad quarterbacks!

Meanwhile, my accountant, also known as my whine seller, has sold out and pled guilty to a whole bunch of stuff that he did while working for me. So what? That’s no worse than that phone call I made to Georgia when I was recorded explicitly attempting to coerce the scoreboard operator to commit scoreboard fraud.

I’m totally innocent! This is the biggest witch hunt in history! In fact, I hear that witches feel emboldened because all the normal witch hunt energy is now directed at me. Poor, poor pitiful me!

On the other hand, I could shoot a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, or a New England Patriots fan, or heck, anyone who doesn’t root for the Browns, on Fifth Avenue and… you know what, maybe I will!  

I can commit any crime I want, announce it publicly, and my people will still love me. 

So I ask you: What exactly is the point of having nuclear secrets if the deep state can just come in and take them from you? And believe me, if this can happen to me, it can happen to you.

So everyone better be nice to me or, as my valet, Lindsey Graham, said, you never know what’s gonna happen.

AFC

EAST

BILLS – It is rumored that Josh Allen may leave the Bills next season to join Marvel Comics as a new superhero 14-3 

DOLPHINS – Its old-school to read tea leaves. For this, I went to South Beach and read the salt on numerous margarita glasses and I discovered that Tua will be really good until he is injured. Hey, I’m just the messenger. 11-6

PATRIOTS – By midseason, bars all across New England will be removing the plaque that says, “In Bill we trust.” 6-11

JETS – It’s ownership’s fault, not Coach Robert Saleh’s, who still must be wondering whether to put “Coach of the Jets” on his resume for his next job, or whether that’s just too embarrassing. Jets 4-12

NORTH

BROWNS – Jacoby Brissett has the best single season by an NFL quarterback ever. Deshaun Watson never sees the field. The Browns release Watson after the Super Bowl. Meanwhile, owner Jimmy Haslam begins wearing a hat all the time because his devil’s horns are becoming increasingly visible as he ages. 17-0

RAVENS – Lamar Jackson spends the entire season in a poker game where he gives every indication he is not bluffing. Nevertheless, that’s a dangerous style of football he plays. 11-6

STEELERS  – Whether it is Mitch Pickett or Kenny Trubisky by the end of the season, Mike Tomlin wills the team to seven wins. 7-10

BENGALS – The ball is over, Cinderella. Those are Bengals helmets, just like always. 4-13

SOUTH

COLTS – Matt Ryan channels his inner Peyton Manning to make the Colts the surprise team in the NFL. 13-3

TITANS – The wear and tear on the off-road vehicle known as Derrick Henry begins to show during the second half of his well-paid season. 10-7

JAGUARS – Trevor Lawrence gets a haircut halfway through the season, and that’s all it takes to turn his career around. 6-11

TEXANS – In some Houston households, a bottle of whisky is sacrificed every time the Browns win to make their Deshaun Watson draft pick worse.  It makes their own terrible season tolerable. And at least they will have their own high pick. 2-15

WEST

RAIDERS – New coach, new star receiver and maybe the old “Just Win Baby” attitude. In any case, they may be back to the pursuit of excellence. 12-5

CHIEFS – In days of old when Patrick Mahomes got in trouble he could heave the ball somewhere and Tyreek Hill would go and get it. This year, defenders do that. 9-8

CHARGERS – Justin Herbert is the young quarterback everyone professes to want, except, you know, in the playoffs. He doesn’t do playoffs… yet. 9-8

BRONCOS – The Russell Wilson Experience is not as good of a Rocky Mountain jam band as many hoped. In fact, a lot of it is off key. 5-12

NFC

EAST

COWBOYS – Dak Prescott overcomes Mike McCarthy’s existence to power the Cowboys for most of the season until, finally, McCarthy uses his authority to help the team lose its final four games. 13-4

EAGLES – Jalen Hurts is going to be good enough to keep the Eagles mediocre, the worst of all possible outcomes. 8-9

COMMANDERS – The Football Team is now the Commanders and Carson Wentz is now in command, making this not a very good football team. 6-11

GIANTS – If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. If  you can’t make it here, you probably play for the Giants. 5-12 

NORTH

VIKINGS – The Vikings, minus their former headcoach and anchor, have a great season and Kurt Cousins yells, “How do you like me now?” from the covid list while the legend of Nick Mullens is born. 12-5

PACKERS – Aaron Rodgers keeps calling plays that he dreamt up in South America, but none of his teammates understand. They never have. 11-6

LIONS – Coach Dan Cambell breaks kneecaps and cries and yells and is emotionally able to get the Lions to a respectable record. 8-9

BEARS – Poor Justin Fields. He will have a great career after the inept Bears who can’t protect their quarterback move on. 4-13

SOUTH

BUCCANEERS – After Gisele Bundcheon moves in with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Tom Brady declares he plans to play until he is 70. 13-4

PANTHERS – On this installment of “At Home With Baker Mayfield,” Baker is locked out of his childhood home and must move to Carolina to make his way in the world. It’s a dramedy. 10-7

SAINTS – Famous Jameis Winston will have a great season, and also a terrible season. 9-8

FALCONS – Marcus Mariota’s ceiling is being an average quarterback. His floor is this year. 2-15

WEST

RAMS – The first half of the season will be a Hollywood sleep walk but maybe OBJ comes back to rescue the team just like last year. 14-3

49ers – After Trey Lance fails and then is hurt, Jimmy G comes to the rescue. 10-7

CARDINALS – Kyler Murray’s dog ate his homework. 8-9

SEAHAWKS – Gino Smith? Drew Lock? Good luck! 1-16

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NFC CHAMPIONSHIP

BUCCANEERS OVER VIKINGS  

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP

BROWNS OVER COLTS 

SUPERBOWL

BROWNS OVER BUCCANEERS 

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This column is sponsored by the Climate Change Is A Hoax Insurance Agency & Casino

These 20201 NFL season picks have have been vaccinated against vaccines. Also, I love my new microchip, which broadcasts Cleveland Browns victories to me on demand.

First some history.

These 2021 NFL picks were cranial power washed on January 6 by floating hate spittle, bleach, and Kentucky whiskey (not Tennessee, too liberal) and afterwards the only coherent thoughts I had left were that maybe I have horse worms, and also that this is the year I have been waiting for.

No, it is not the year that the Constitution is changed and Keith Richards is elected president (I wish), but rather this is the year that the Cleveland Browns finally arrive at their rightful place… a championship that allows me as a fan to legally tip over a downtown Chevrolet and light it on fire… (see ‘Detroit wins championship’… the role model of my dream.)

Anyway, after 20 years of predicting the Cleveland Browns will win the Super Bowl, I am not going to go all Joe Biden on you now. Nope. I am all in, forever. And ever. This is my forever war.

And this year I am right.

Still, to cover my ass, I tuned my microchip to a station lower on the dial, where I conferred with the spirit world about these 2021 NFL season predictions.

Those dead knuckleheads told me that the whole gang of them, the entire populations of heaven and hell, are Cleveland Browns fans. The folks in hell have been Browns fans much longer.

You don’t even have to be alive to realize that the Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl this year, they said in unison – the saints and the sinners. Yes, even the saints know. One assumes that means Sean Payton.

And again this morning when I was reading my tea leaves, they spilled all over my tarot cards and when I went to pick them up I knocked over my crystal ball which rolled to my Ouija board, which then on its own spelled out, “The Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl.” 

“Sincerely, the spirit world.”

“P.S. Get vaccinated or join us.”

So obviously, that’s whatsgonnahappen.

AFC

EAST

BILLS –  Nothing can stop Josh Allen except all those Covid rules and a warped idea of freedom. Bills 14-3 

DOLPHINS – Tua is both better than I think and also more frail, which seems impossible. 11-6

PATRIOTS – Bill Belichick has feasted on rookies while coaching. He hates his own medicine. 8-9

JETS – Zach Wilson looks the part until a linebacker gives him Namath knees and that is actually sad. Jets 4-12

NORTH

BROWNS – Best team ever. Defense better than ’85 Bears. Offense better than the 2000 Rams ‘greatest show on turf’. Baker Mayfield commercials better than Peyton Manning’s. 17-0

RAVENS – The NFL has figured out Lamar “they won’t figure me out’ Jackson. Well, some of the NFL. 11-6

STEELERS  – Ben Roethlisberger spends the week on sorority row trying to find the fountain of youth, but instead he is benched for Dwayne Haskins, who stinks by the way.  7-10

BENGALS – Joe Burrow deserves combat pay. 5-12

SOUTH

TITANS – Feasting on a bad division, the Titans look dangerous against all bad teams, and Ryan Tannehill is the same (good against bad teams). 13-4

COLTS – Carson Wentz is exactly who Sashi Brown thought he was… not a top 20 quarterback. Meanwhile, sniffly Jim Irsay plays Elton John’s piano because this song really is his song. 6-11

JAGUARS – Urban Meyer is going to be the Rick Pitino-in-the-NBA of NFL coaches. And the sad part is that Trevor Lawrence really could have been that good. 3-14

TEXANS – Dysfunction junction, what is your function? 2-15

WEST

CHIEFS – Five new offensive lineman may end well for Patrick Mahomes, but expect issues to start… and your name is? 13-4

CHARGERS – Hype train… I have a ticket stamped by Justin Herbert. 12-4

BRONCOS – Teddy Bridgewater is, um, okay. 8-9

RAIDERS – Jon Gruden starts to wonder whether Jon Gruden is the best coach for the Raiders. Just kidding! But he would have to if he was on TV again (it’s coming!) and Jon Gruden didn’t coach the Raiders (again, someday…). 7-10

NFC

EAST

WASHINGTON – Fitzmagic plus that defense equals an interesting season in a week division. 10-7

COWBOYS – Dak Prescott is the king of garbage time stats. This year, he has a competitive team so now we watch 9-8

EAGLES – Mediocre and boring. 8-9

GIANTS – Not saying this will be a dumpster fire but, maybe. 4-13

NORTH

PACKERS – I’ll take final season in Green Bay for the daily double. 14-3

LIONS – Sure the coach is insane and no one believes in Jared Goff. Well, I believe in Jared Goff. 10-7

VIKINGS – Kirk ‘freedom’ Cousins misses 5 games celebrating his freedom. 8-9

BEARS – It’s always a good idea to start Andy Dalton when there is a better option because quarterback controversies are so healthy. 4-13

SOUTH

BUCCANEERS – Tom Brady’s career is old enough to drink, but only champagne and only once every other year. 15-2

SAINTS – Jameis Winston will flash, like he does. Even more under Sean Payton, but he’s still Jameis of big talent, lots of confidence and shaky judgement. 10-7

PANTHERS – Sam Darnold proves he’s better than he was in New York, and buys himself a few years as an average starter in the league. 8-9

FALCONS – Matt Ryan will probably have a great second act somewhere else. But this is the end of act one. 5-12

WEST

49ers – The Garoppolo/Lance science experiment actually works. 12-5

SEAHAWKS – Russell Wilson still wants to be traded. 11-6

RAMS – You can take the Detroit Lions quarterback out of Detroit, but you can’t take the Detroit out of the quarterback. 9-8

CARDINALS – The team falls off a Kliff. 6-11

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NFC CHAMPIONSHIP

BUCCANEERS OVER 49ers 

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP

BROWNS OVER CHIEFS 

SUPERBOWL

BROWNS OVER BUCCANEERS 

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This column is sponsored by the stupid variant.

I just found out that some rich guy named Jack purchased the First Amendment and is forcing his “facts” – that Super Bowl LV will be played between the Kansas City Chiefs and Tampa Bay Buccaneers – on a gullible world.

Sheep!

Let me tell you how it really is, straight from my pillow’s mouth. My pillow, which I affectionately call “Q,” has prophesied that the winner of Super Bowl LV will be the Cleveland Browns.

My pillow has been kicked off of Twitter, and the media is laughing at me.

Jack is mean. The media is meaner.

The media is the enemy of the people, and the media is the enemy of my pillow. I can’t even get a good night sleep because of how upset my pillow is at the media.

I bought my pillow because I was promised a great night sleep but now I am frightened every night, hugging my pillow like a wannabe dictator hugs a flag, because only my pillow knows the truth about the Super Bowl.

And now I know too, and I can’t sleep.

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As for the game, my new partner Marjorie Taylor Greene, who now has time on her hands to help with this column, used to always say that the Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl.

But she was forced to apologize.

Now she says that Patrick Mahomes is obviously way better than Tom Brady, who is obviously the greatest of all time, the GOAT.

But right now, this year…. Patrick Mahomes is better.

Except in this this game, she said. Never bet against Tom Brady.

Unless…

Oh hell, Marjorie Taylor Greene really believes the Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl. 

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According to the so-called fact-checkers in the lamestream media, the Cleveland Browns are not in the Super Bowl.

Jack and the fact checkers, which is the name of the cover band I am in, demand that I say the Kansas City Chiefs are playing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in this year’s Super Bowl.

Fine. Whatever.

Here, in case the lying media is right about who is playing in the game,  is What’s Gonna Happen.

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Pregame: CBS interviews Joe Biden and Americans realize this is the first time they have thought about the President since January 20. Prior to that, a traumatized nation thought about the then President 25 hours a day. When the interview is over, no one, including Joe Biden, remembers what he said.

Coin Flip: Joe Biden tosses a $1.9 trillion coin in the air. The Buccaneers win the flip and defer because Tom Brady says that’s how you win Super Bowls. In the commotion, the coin is misplaced.

First Quarter: On the first drive Patrick Mahomes calls the same play three times in a row and the team drives 80 yards for a touchdown. The play is called, “Defer This!” Travis Kelce has three catches for 80 yards. The Buccaneers are able to scratch out a field goal, but stall immediately in two other drives. The Chiefs also stall. A sideline reporter talks to Bruce Arians for 15 seconds. Arians says, “Tom Brady stinks so far. I kind of miss Jameis Winston.” Chiefs 7, Buccaneers 3

Second Quarter: The second quarter belongs to the Chiefs, while the Buccaneers offense can’t get going because Tom Brady is too harassed by the Chiefs defense and by Bruce Arians. “Maybe he can’t succeed without Belichick,” says Tony Romo. Tyreek Hill scores two touchdowns. Romo says, “I think that was Hill. Not really sure. It was a blur.” At the end of the half, Brady throws a pick 6. Chiefs 28, Buccaneers 3

Halftime: I don’t know The Weekend from Monday Morning, so it’s unclear what to expect. Also, get off of my lawn.

Third Quarter: Scotty Miller is a hero for the Buccaneers, bailing out Tom Brady on third and long twice. Plus Miller scores one of the Buccaneers three touchdowns. Patrick Mahomes gets sacked twice.  When Tom Brady throws his third touchdown pass in the third quarter, Romo, in love, has an on-air sportsgasm. Chiefs 28, Buccaneers 24

Fourth Quarter: Tony Romo begins the fourth quarter wearing his Superhero outfit, Captain Obvious. “Whichever quarterback has the ball at the end of the game is going to win,” says Romo. Jim Nantz says, “You’re really going out on a limb, Tony.” On the first drive of the fourth quarter, the Chiefs stall. The Buccaneers then score a touchdown, followed by the Chiefs, the Buccaneers again, and the Chiefs again. Tom Brady has the ball at the end of the game. He hits Rob Gronkowski for a touchdown with four seconds left. Buccaneers 45, Chiefs 42

Postgame: Bruce Arians says Tom Brady is going to have to compete for a job next year. “I will have to evaluate everything,” he says with confetti hanging off his nose. Brady uses the word, “fun” 12 times in 30 seconds. Rob Gronkowski smokes a blunt while holding the Super Bowl trophy.

This column is sponsored by the horror movie, “The Second Insurrection” from director Josh Hawley

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These Week 10 NFL Picks, after recounting the previous Cleveland Browns games for the 2020 season, have found enormous amounts of touchdown fraud in the Browns three losses. Therefore, those games are now wins.

The NFL standings are a fraud. Stop the steal!

Evidence? I found guy outside of a landscaping stores next to an adult bookstore, and he said he knows a guy who heard someone in the bathroom of that bookstore talking about the fraudulent stuff that happened during all three games that the Browns lost. In other words, this is a solid source.

Prove it? That guy in the bathroom just said that someone told someone about that they heard someone say something. So yeah, damn right I can prove it! I just did.

You want more specific proof with less of the made-up hearsay? You mean right now? Or ever? Why should I have to prove it?

You prove that bad stuff didn’t happen somewhere! Go on, I dare you.

Oh, you have proof?

You’re saying that I watched the games. There were plenty of game watchers, you say? The games were live-streamed on my television, huh? You have video of me cussing out Baker Mayfield and the Browns defense while making a beer can pyramid? Yeah, well, that proves nothing.

The Browns were ahead in my mind before every game started, and then suddenly when the Browns played the Ravens and Steelers and they are got destroyed. Wow. Talk about the deep state.

Do you folks see what’s going on here?  I don’t even know where to begin, my mind is so blown away by how corrupt the whole system is. How can I ever trust a game score again? 

The only thing that I want is to count the legal touchdowns and by “legal” I mean the ones scored by the Cleveland Browns. When you do that, the Browns win. This isn’t hard to understand, except, apparently, by the global Satanic child-eating cabal that wants the Cleveland Browns to lose.

So I have filed my lawsuits. Now we find out what’s gonna happen.

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COLTS AT TITANS – Titans 24, Colts 13

JAGUARS AT PACKERS – Packers 37, Jaguars 18

TEXANS AT BROWNS – Browns 35, Texans 31

EAGLES AT GIANTS – Eagles 23, Giants 17

BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS – Buccaneers 42, Panthers 24

WASHINGTON AT LIONS – Lions 22, Washington 21

CHARGERS AT DOLPHINS – Chargers 24, Dolphins 20

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – Broncos 34, Raiders 31

BILLS AT CARDINALS – Cardinals 33, Bills 23

BENGALS AT STEELERS – Steelers 30, Bengals 19

SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – Rams 36, Seahawks 30

49ers AT SAINTS – Saints 32, 49ers 21

RAVENS AT PATRIOTS – Ravens 27, Patriots 17

VIKINGS AT BEARS – Vikings 26, Bears 13

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Apologies to that one fan who missed my picks last week. I hope your medications improve. My excuse was the Browns had a bye, so did I.

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This column is sponsored by the new chain of We’re-Rounding-The-Corner Cemeteries. *Franchises Available.*

These week 8 NFL picks, having already voted in every state and half of Canada while wearing a Cleveland Browns jersey, now plan to do it again in every state 31 more times the other 31 NFL jerseys. 

You’re doing that too, right?

As the only person on the planet wiser than me, Mr. QAnon, says, Where we go one, we go all.

And I was told by someone who knows Mr. QAnon that the only way Joe Biden could win the presidential election was through massive voter fraud. So I am going for it. Massively.

Yep – where we go one, we go all.  So let’s all go vote in every state in a New York Jets jersey. Sure, it smells. Wear your mask.

Look, here’s the deal: This is simply a sacrifice one must make for love of country. We must wear the uniform proudly, and do the dirty work fighting fascism like generations before us.

The orders have come in from George Soros. He’s paying each of us thousands of dollars. Watch your mailbox, if you still get mail.

Back to the massive fraud plan…

After wearing a New York Jets jersey when you vote in every state, you must wear a New York Giants jersey when you vote in every state too in order for this organized plan for massive voter fraud to work. How many times do we have to go over this?

And gulp, a Dallas Cowboys jersey is also part of the necessary rotation. America’s team. Ha, that’s funny. Wear it! Oh yeah, a New England Patriots jersey is also required. Sorry. 

So the way I did it was I started by wearing the jersey of favorite team, the Cleveland Browns, to all the voting booths and then I went straight to the bottom and got the Jets and Giants humiliating experience over with.

I saved the Kansas City Chiefs jersey for my last round through the 50 voting booths. I was such an experienced fraudulent voter by then that I even threw some no-look votes, just like Patrick Mahomes himself. 

So please everyone, vote early and often. 

Wear a different NFL jersey each time you vote in order to disguise your identity, because no one on Earth would confuse a Kansas City Chiefs fan with a New York Jets fan. These are different people entirely – much like a Biden voter and a Trump voter.

But even if this George Soros super organized massive voter fraud plan doesn’t work, don’t be afraid.

Maybe all the real votes will actually be counted. 

We shouldn’t need to do any of this if that’s what’s gonna happen.

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FALCONS AT PANTHERS – Falcons 25, Panthers 17

PATRIOTS AT BILLS – Bills 29, Patriots 19

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – Packers 36, Vikings 20

JETS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs Infinity, Jets Less Than Zero

STEELERS AT RAVENS – Steelers 30, Ravens 24

TITANS AT BENGALS – Titans 30, Bengals 13

RAIDERS AT BROWNS – Browns 38, Raiders 37

RAMS AT DOLPHINS – Rams 26, Dolphins 10

COLTS AT LIONS – Lions 26, Colts 12

CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – Chargers 23, Broncos 16

SAINTS AT BEARS – Saints 20, Bears 13

49ers AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 30, 49ers 27

COWBOYS AT EAGLES – Eagles 34, Cowboys 16

BUCCANEERS AT GIANTS – Buccaneers 37, Giants 22

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This column is sponsored by Electoral College dropouts

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