As I was telling my trusted loyal friend, Bob Woodward, I had literally no idea what I was doing when I made these Week 1 NFL Picks.
As I told the American people, these week 1 NFL picks are a lock. I encourage you to bet your life on these week 1 NFL picks.
I also told Woodward that the American people will never know that I secretly ordered my secretary of the Environment, a man I call Exxon Valdez, to make the sky glow orange all over the West Coast because I like the color of the Cleveland Browns helmet.
I am in power, I can do whatever I want. And face it, how many people can I shoot on Fifth Avenue before it just gets boring? Okay, 190,000 seems to be the number, but… ah, I can keep going. It is my thing, after all. History will say so.
Anyway, I was talking to Roger Goodell about how sad it is that he only makes $40 million a year, and I may have mentioned a Russian bank in case he needed a loan. Anyway, in a couple of years I think the the San Francisco 49ers will move to Moscow and play under the name, the Moscow McConnells.
For now, it is NFL season and I need a way to distract people from, well, you know, everything. First let me just say five things my doctor suggested I memorize for my own happiness and sense of self worth: person, man, woman, camera, TV. No wait, that’s not it.
Look, I have a lot of complicated lists in my head. Only I could do what I am doing here. Okay, here’s the list: Baker Mayfield, Nick Chubb, Odell Beckham Jr. Myles Garrett, Jarvis Landry.
I say these words because I am the Prognosticator of the United States of only Cleveland Browns fans. I have memorized the words. In order!
Therefore, as a certified Very Stable Genius, I declare the Cleveland Browns will win today. My logic is as perfect as my new bleach-based vaccine, coming very soon to a gun store near you.
And that’s what’s gonna happen.
TEXANS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 34, Texans 20
RAIDERS AT PANTHERS – Raiders 35, Panthers 25
COLTS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 27, Colts 26
DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – Dolphins 30, Patriots 17
EAGLES AT WASHINGTON – Eagles 27, Washington 17
SEAHAWKS AT FALCONS – Seahawks 30, Falcons 20
PACKERS AT VIKINGS – Packers 28, Vikings 17
JETS AT BILLS – Bills 26, Jets 14
BROWNS AT RAVENS – Browns 45, Ravens 17
BEARS AT LIONS – Lions 30, Bears 20
CHARGERS AT BENGALS – Bengals 24, Chargers 9
CARDINALS AT 49ers – Cardinals 17, 49ers 16
BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Buccaneers 35, Saints 34
COWBOYS AT RAMS – Rams 21, Cowboys 17
STEELERS AT GIANTS – Steelers 30, Gians 17
TITANS AT BRONCOS – Titans 31, Broncos 21