These week 11 NFL picks would first like to specifically and publicly use the words No Quid Pro Quo, and then I’d like to describe a recent action in which I did something and I got something directly back in return.
Last week, due to my job at the factory, I did not pick the Cleveland Browns to win. Thus, they won.
It was textbook quid pro quo, straight from the original Latin saying that originated when the Browns were dominating the BCFL, a dominance they sustained until the early A.D.’s.
If you are not confused yet, just wait because I have ordered new smoke and mirrors to help my argument that I am innocent of ever being wrong.
If it looks like I was wrong, I was joking. I’m a businessman. I want something before I write a check or an NFL prediction. The fake media, including this column, is full of lies. Don’t believe a word of it.
The only thing you can trust is this column, trust me.
But I don’t trust the guy who writes it. I think he is part of the deep state trying to undermine me at every stop by printing the words that come into my head as I sit upon my golden throne.
So as soon as I finish pushing out my thoughts on the Pittsburgh Steelers in here, I’ll let you know What’s Gonna Happen.
STEELERS AT BROWNS – The Browns move the game from First Energy Field to paper, because on paper is the only place they dominate. Browns 52, Steelers 0
JETS AT REDSKINS – Adam Gase and Jay Gruden in the Peter Principle Bowl. Sam Darnold is the more seasoned destined-to-be-a-bust quarterback. Jets 20, Redskins 17
SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – Last week was any given Sunday for the Saints. This week, they play the Buccaneers. Saints 27, Buccaneers 17
BRONCOS AT VIKINGS – Is it time for bad Kirk Cousins to return? Not yet. Vikings 30, Broncos 13
BILLS AT DOLPHINS – The Bills are who I thought they were, and the Dolphins are winning despite trying to lose. Dolphins 20, Bills 13
JAGUARS AT COLTS – Karma alone should ruin the Jaguars chances for benching Gardner Minshew’s mustache. Colts 28, Jaguars 10
COWBOYS AT LIONS – The Cowboys should win this game. The Lions should lose this game. Things go as planned at NFL offices in Las Vegas. Cowboys 28, Lions 20
FALCONS AT PANTHERS – The Panthers, not good, are less bad. Panthers 23, Falcons 17
TEXANS AT RAVENS – Once upon a time in the NBA, every year there was a “new Michael Jordan.” In the NFL, it’s “the new Brady/Manning rivalry.” This game offers door number 6 of the options. Texans 35, Ravens 30
CARDINALS AT 49ers – If Kyler Murray were not a rookie, I’d give the Cardinals a chance because the 49ers now remember they re not invincible. 49ers 23, Cardinals 19
PATRIOTS AT EAGLES – When the momentum turns, Belichick and Brady turn on the afterburners as a bit of revenge. In the fourth quarter, Brady catches a touchdown pass. Patriots 40, Eagles 10
BENGALS AT RAIDERS – The Bengals leave Kentucky and spend time scouting the Raider’s home next season in Las Vegas before reluctantly going to Oakland. Raiders 42, Bengals 22
BEARS AT RAMS – Sean McVay has his membership suspended from the Vince Lombardi Greatest Coaches Of All Time Club. Bears 20, Rams 17
CHIEFS AT CHARGERS AT MEXICO CITY – President Trump suggests in a tweet that, to increase ratings, the losing team should not be allowed back into the country. Chiefs 31, Chargers 20
BYE AT PACKERS – Aaron Rodgers has an affair with Flo from Progressive.
BYE AT GIANTS – Saquon Barkley still can’t believe what a bust Trent Richardson was.
BYE AT SEAHAWKS – Tests prove that Russell Wilson is cooler than the other side of the pillow.
BYE AT TITANS – Ryan Tannehill acts like a Fonzie whenever Marcus Mariota walks in the room.