Hello, Ukraine guy. This is Week 4 NFL Picks calling from the Gaslighting Motel in Washington, D.C..
I want to talk about my core ideals of illiteracy, dishonesty and graft. Also, I’d like to talk about Cleveland Browns head coach, Freddie Kitchens.
Yeah, listen, I need you to investigate Freddie Kitchens. I need it done now, okay?
Fourth and nine and he runs a draw play? I used to fear Sleepy Joe Biden but I think I am now really scared of Over-His-Head Freddie. Yeah, I’m good at nicknames. Which brings me to…
Look, I know our Congress said they’d pay you $400 million to stop Russia from invading and killing you and all of your children but unlike that, this is important.
Do you realize how close the Browns were to winning last week, but yet they lost at the very end? We can’t let that happen to me, can we, Ukraine guy?
You say your name is Volodymer Zelensky? What kind of name is that? I’ll call you Jimmy. Or, even better, I’ll call you, ‘my Ukranian.’
Anyway, I can do you a favor if you do me a favor. We can be like Drew Rosenhaus and Robert Kraft making a deal for Antonio Brown to play for the Patriots, if you know what I mean.
So Jimmy, I will pay you the money that I am legally obligated to pay you and that I have no right not to pay you and the only small thing that I demand in return is that you destroy my enemies.
I can also get you on Dancing With The Stars. Would you like that? One phone call, maybe two, and I can arrange it.
And by the way, Mr. Ukraine, could you also control Greta Thunberg of Sweden… she’s one of yours right? No?
Sweden and Ukraine are not the same? Really? Wow, I did not know that. I wonder if anyone else did. I bet Bruce Allen didn’t.
But my point, Jimmy, is that I need you to help me divide my country.
Let me put it another way. If the naysayers get their way in dividing this country that I have worked so hard to unite, it could become like the backstabbing/infighting Cleveland Browns of the last 20 years.
That’s the model I’m going for.
As was proven during those 20 years, a house divided against itself cannot stand. I believe Baker Mayfield said that.
It’s what I am counting on.
So it’s all up to you, Ukraine guy. What’s gonna happen?
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EAGLES AT PACKERS – Carson Wentz is so used to his passes being dropped that he is surprised to see the Packers defense catch his so many times. While Aaron Rodgers continues playing like he’s as old as Tom Brady, it doesn’t matter. Packers 24, Eagles 13
TITANS AT FALCONS – Marcus Mariota was once one of the futures of quarterbacking, but that’s in the distant past, like the defense chasing Julio Jones. Falcons 42. Titans 13
REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Daniel Jones laughs at Dwayne Haskins on the sidelines. Not because Haskins isn’t playing but because he’s on the Redskins. Giants 29, Redskins 11
CHARGERS AT DOLPHINS – Josh Rosen calls the play, “Hut, Hut, Fuck this!” on every down and throws for four touchdowns. Dolphins 30, Chargers 27
RAIDERS AT COLTS – Antonio Brown attends the game and holds up a sign that says, “Jon, I’m sorry, let me tell you about Robert Kraft.” It works. He is signed by the Raiders at halftime. Colts 26, Raiders 18
PANTHERS AT TEXANS – Deshaun Watson is the real deal as long as he is upright. Kyle Allen, meanwhile, is taught the word, “interception” over and over but it doesn’t sink in on this day. Texans 32, Panthers 10
CHIEFS AT LIONS – Crazy upset of the year so far because… this is the late September NFL and for no other reason. Lions 36, Chiefs 31
BROWNS AT RAVENS – Lamar Jackson looks, so far, like Michael Vick’s and Johnny Unitas’s love child. But this week the Browns surprise him with their third-string secondary and intercept three passes. Meanwhile, Freddie Kitchens, in week four, teaches the team that penalties are bad. Browns 39, Ravens 12
PATRIOTS AT BILLS – On this any given Sunday Tom Brady is harassed all day and lucky not to get hurt. With an impressive last minute drive to win the game, the Bills see a mirage that is not there – a path past the Patriots. Bills 23, Patriots 20
BUCCANEERS AT RAMS – If you beat the Browns, you stink. See the Titans. Buccaneers 27, Rams 20
SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – Kyler Murray gets his first signature win. Pete Carroll gets a surprising early season signature boneheaded loss. Cardinals 23, Seahawks 21
VIKINGS AT BEARS – Kirk Cousins is great at hand offs. But the Bears play defense, and Mitch Trubisky is a successful version of the very unsuccessful Brady Quinn, whatever that means, which is a lot. Bears 24. Vikings 10
JAGUARS AT BRONCOS – Jalen Ramsey’s flu is better than the Denver Broncos future. And Gardner Minshew cannot even see the pumpkin carriage in the distance. Jaguars 20. Broncos 9
COWBOYS AT SAINTS – Teddy Bridegwater can be pretty good if he stays healthy but the the Cowboys are currently unstoppable and that won’t stop soon. Cowboys 27, Saints 23
BENGALS AT STEELERS – For halftime entertainment, an actual dumpster will be set on fire. Steelers, 17, Bengals 3
BYE AT JETS – Radio host Mike Francesca announces he will sing the National Anthem at the next Jets home game.
BYE AT 49ers – Silicon Valley has been tasked with making a bionic Jimmy Garoppolo.