These Week 6 NFL Picks, citing the recent court ruling by Judge Malicious C. Kangaroo, will not cooperate with the biased NFL standings.
Judge Kangaroo – they call him “the Captain” – ruled that the corrupt NFL standings are a deep state witch hunt, unfairly based in facts, and that no one takes them seriously anymore anway.
Also, they did not help with Normandy.
It is so easy to prove the NFL standings wrong, it is laughable. The assertion that the Cleveland Browns have only won two games but lost three? What planet are these NFL standings even on?
Oh, Earth? Yeah, but which Earth? The real Earth, or the alternative Earth?
The Cleveland Browns are undefeated. Let me quote statesman-turned-dancer, Sean Spicer, on this: “Period!”
The NFL standings are a liberal conspiracy to undo my predictions from before the season when I said the Browns would win the Super Bowl, and Mexico would pay for it.
And now, there are NFL standings published everywhere in the lamestream media. It’s ridiculous and unfounded. Treasonous even.
Thus, in my great and unmatched wisdom, this very stable genius has come out from behind the curtain to tell you to pay close attention to the man behind the curtain and all my crazy words.
But don’t pay any attention to what I am actually doing. Ha, you won’t.
You’ll spend two days talking about how I can’t spell wirch hunt. Meanwhile, I’ll abandon an ally faster than an ex-Redskins coach because I have profitable hotels in Istanbul. And that’s whatsgonnahappen.
GIANTS AT PATRIOTS – The Giants are not good on defense and they have a rookie quarterback. When Bill Belichick is alone, he dances like no one is watching. Patriots 42, Giants 10
PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – Kyle Allen is like the second coming of Gardner Minshew. Panthers 27, Buccaneers 17
REDSKINS AT DOLPHINS – Vying for the number one pick, this game features 50 fumbles, 92 interceptions, and one penalty per play. Tanking? Ridiclous! Dolphins 3, Redskins 2
EAGLES AT VIKINGS – So Kirk Cousins is great now, and here is your first down payment on that bridge in Brooklyn. Eagles 23, Vikings 16
TEXANS AT CHIEFS – Interesting game. And I’ll take a healthy Deshaun Watson against most teams, despite his bad coach. Texans 37, Chiefs 33
SAINTS AT JAGUARS – Teddy Bridgewater and Garnder Minshew are not supposed to be this good. Well, they are. Meanwhile, Jalen Ramsey’s back is better, but now he has a terrible hangnail. Jaguars 24, Saints 20
SEAHAWKS AT BROWNS – Russell Wilson is playing at an MVP level. Baker Mayfield is making some really great commercials. So that should help. Browns 23, Seahawks 22
BENGALS AT RAVENS – Lamar Jackson will look great again so get ready for more silly hype. Ravens 36, Bengals 16
49ers AT RAMS – Joey Bosa enters therapy for his feelings on a long ago the Ohio State/Oklahoma game and then takes up knitting to express his rage on knitted pillows instead of quarterbacks. And that’s how a Hall Of Fame career was derailed. This has been NFL Films, “Where Are They Now.” 49ers 31, Rams 10
FALCONS AT CARDINALS – The Falcons are completely falling apart and the Cardinals are showing promise so of course I am picking… Falcons 29, Cardinals 19
COWBOYS AT JETS – Sam Darnold is a savior. He saves the Cowboys defense. Cowboys 24, Jets 20
TITANS AT BRONCOS – Joe Flacco and Marcus Mariota would be a really good quarterback if they combined skills. Broncos 20, Titans 10
STEELERS AT CHARGERS – The Chargers are the absolute definition of disappointingly mediocre and the Steelers are taking out ads on Craigslist looking for a quarterback. Chargers 17, Steelers 14
LIONS AT PACKERS – This fairy tale in Green Bay can’t last, can it? Lions 20, Packers 18
BYE AT BILLS – The Bills planned takeover domination of the AFC East is right on schedule… as soon as Tom Brady and Bill Belichick retire.
BYE AT BEARS – Matt Nagy drinks a glass half full of spoiled milk.
BYE AT COLTS – Party at Jim Irsay’s house!
BYE AT RAIDERS – Yes, Jon Gruden spends the week watching “Chucky” movies.