So you got on the Trump-sponsored hot tub time machine from 1852 in Covfefe, Mississippi to come to my 2019 NFL predictions rally to make America great again, huh?
You are my kind of people – very stable geniuses who travel through time to hear me talk about the NFL and Hillary Clinton.
Look, I am friends with a lot of NFL owners. You know what they own, right?
You, in your coal-powered tin foil hats, understand then why I am bigly proud to be making my 2019 NFL predictions standing next to this fantastic statue of General Robert E. Lee, one of America’s greatest generals. General Lee loved America like I love America. People say that all the time.
Before I get to my beautiful 2019 NFL season picks, let me say that there are good people on both sides of the line of scrimmage. But those wearing orange on their head obviously hate America. Hate it! Only I can be orange because I am the chosen one. My Secretary of State, Captain Queeg, tells me that all the time.
The Cleveland Browns are invaders coming across the line of scrimmage into my territory. Sure, they are popular and I usually like popular things, but they can’t replace my New England Patriots as the best. I like Tom Brady and Robert Kraft. I don’t like Hillary Clinton, okay?
As for some of the other teams in the NFL… what actually is that thing they wear on their heads? What religion is that? The Baltimore Ravens? Have you been to Baltimore. It’s infested with rats… ratbirds… Ravens. Disgusting!
So do you remember 2016? I couldn’t win, right? I was the Cleveland Browns of the election. Well, ha. Who’s laughing now? Actually, that’s the evil cackle of my supporters you hear. As one of my wives, I can’t recall her name, always says to me, “I don’t really care, do you?”
I love the cheering.
You are welcome, America. And by America, you know which states I am talking about, and which people in those states I am talking about – right?
But I digress. Ha. Yes I do. It’s my thing and over and over again that’s what’s gonna happen.
PATRIOTS – I hereby order the Marines and Kim Jong Un to work together to protect Tom Brady. Tom likes visiting the White House because it is the only time he gets to eat his favorite food; several cold Big Macs. 12-4
JETS – Russia, if you’re listening, the Jets are a New York team. Trump Tower is in New York. You can get to New York on a jet. Russia? Russia? Bueller? Mueller? 9-7
BILLS – Buffalo is in Canada, which is our enemy. And Josh Allen is the Anthony Scaramucci of Steve Youngs. 5-11
DOLPHINS – My staff of illegal immigrant dishwashers at Mara-Lago could beat the Dolphins. 2-14
BROWNS – I hate the Browns because of the orange on their heads and because they are actually going to be great again, but mostly because of the name, Browns. On the bright side, I guess, they wear white jerseys a lot. 16-0
BENGALS – They finally got rid of Marvin Lewis. Melania is my personal Marvin Lewis. Her and this stupid job, which I am never ever leaving. 9-7
RAVENS – Have you been to Baltimore? I haven’t. 5-11
STEELERS – Big Ben treats women even better than I do. But those women don’t catch his passes like Antonio Brown used to. As for Steelers fans… some, I assume, are good people. 4-12
TEXANS – I love El Paso, where the Houston Texans play. It doesn’t matter what I say in Texas, does it? 11-5
JAGUARS – My favorite dimwitted son, Donald Trump Jr., will take my advice and buy the Jaguars, move them to Greenland, and then rename them the Greenland Oilers. 6-10
TITANS – Remember the Titans? No. 7-9
COLTS – Andrew Luck did not want to retire. I hereby ordered him to retire. That’s how it works, okay? 2-14
CHIEFS – Last year, the Chiefs were so good they won 35 games, but the fake news will not report that. I just did. 12-4
BRONCOS – Joe Flacco is the Anthony Scaramucci of old Peyton Mannings. 9-7
CHARGERS – If Phillip Rivers keeps having children I can win California in 2036, which may be the year the Chargers win a Super Bowl. 7-9
RAIDERS – As a guy who’s suffered from bone spurs, I sympathize with Antonio Brown’s foot issues, but crazy Jon Gruden will make this team so bad I bet it’s in Las Vegas next year. 1-15
GIANTS – I never called Dave Gettelman the enemy of the people. That is more fake news. 11-5
COWBOYS – Jerry Jones is paying for the wall to keep his players out of Cabo. 9-7
EAGLES – In my mind, which means it really happened to all of you, I held a rally at Paddy’s Bar and I can tell you it’s never sunny in Philadelphia. 8-8
REDSKINS – I love how Washington D.C. has taxation without representation, which is the same as cheering for the Redskins with Daniel Snyder as owner. 3-13
BEARS – I like to say “Da Bears.” Remember when Saturday Night Live was good? Oh, I digress. 11-5
VIKINGS – Ilhan Omar knows so little about America that she is from a place that thinks Kurt Cousins is good. 8-8
PACKERS – The Packers are not owned by a billionaire but by “people” Sad! 7-9
LIONS – Matt Patricia will want to hide after this season but he should definitely not change his name to Patricia Matt or I will not let him in the military when he is looking for a job. 3-13
SAINTS – Everyone says Drew Brees is washed up. Everyone said I would lose in 2016. Everyone says I am a racist. Some things everyone says are true, some are not. 14-2
FALCONS – Lindsay Graham hates the Falcons, so I am picking them to be good. 11-5
BUCANEERS – I liked Jameis Winston when he was standing on tables and yelling, but that’s just me. Really, it’s just me. 7-9
PANTHERS – I like quarterbacks who don’t get injured, okay? 4-12
SEAHAWKS – I like loyalty and I like teams that give Super Bowls to the Patriots, okay? 13-3
49ers – San Francisco is a sanctuary city for quarterbacks. I am trying to change that but the liberal NFL rules won’t let me. 10–6
RAMS – I like visiting Los Angeles so I can go on Access Hollywood but the Rams Super Bowl hopes will disappear even faster than my last visit to that show. 7-9
CARDINALS – Joe Arpaio, who will soon have his face on money, designed the strategy for the Cardinals who find themselves in a harsh pink underwear prison. 2-14
SAINTS OVER SEAHAWKS
BROWNS OVER PATRIOTS
BROWNS OVER SAINTS
** This column is sponsored by a video of Colin Kaepernick watching Jay Z count money. **
(I have been writing this column predicting the Cleveland Browns to go undefeated and win the Super Bowl for more than two decades, including during the three years that the franchise did not exist. I have never believed one word I have ever written. This year is different. I can find several words. Baker Mayfield. Myles Garrett. Nick Chubb. Odell Beckham Jr. In that order.)