These totally innocent 2022 NFL Season Picks, stored “securely” in the whine cellar of my private club, Mar-a-Wanna, demand that the 2021 season results be overturned and that the Cleveland Browns be declared last season’s champion, just as I had predicted.
Yes, I want to talk about the last NFL season as I try to predict the 2022 NFL season! Yes, I like exclamation points! I am playing checkers while everybody else is playing chess. Obviously! Think about it.
Anyone who tells you that the Los Angeles Rams won last year’s Super Bowl and that the Cleveland Browns weren’t even in the playoffs is clearly part of a secret cannibalistic Satanic cult of deep state government actors drinking children’s blood in order to extend their evil lives. I read it on the Internet.
The lyin’ media lies! You can’t believe anything you hear or read unless it shows up on the Internet. If it is on the Internet, it’s obviously true. Everyone knows that. So let me ask you, where are you reading this? Exactly!
That’s why I have legally challenged last year’s rigged NFL season! I will win, based on my preferred set of facts. You will see! Wait till you meet my lawyer, and my pillow guy. My pillow guy makes both pillows and facts. Home-made facts!
Speaking of facts and lawyers, the fact is that it is fair to call Deshaun Watson, the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns, with his 11-game suspension for “egregious” and “predatory” behavior, a bad guy. He’s a creep. So what?
Other teams quarterbacks might be bad guys too. Maybe not all of them are creeps, but a lot of them of them are bad quarterbacks!
Meanwhile, my accountant, also known as my whine seller, has sold out and pled guilty to a whole bunch of stuff that he did while working for me. So what? That’s no worse than that phone call I made to Georgia when I was recorded explicitly attempting to coerce the scoreboard operator to commit scoreboard fraud.
I’m totally innocent! This is the biggest witch hunt in history! In fact, I hear that witches feel emboldened because all the normal witch hunt energy is now directed at me. Poor, poor pitiful me!
On the other hand, I could shoot a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, or a New England Patriots fan, or heck, anyone who doesn’t root for the Browns, on Fifth Avenue and… you know what, maybe I will!
I can commit any crime I want, announce it publicly, and my people will still love me.
So I ask you: What exactly is the point of having nuclear secrets if the deep state can just come in and take them from you? And believe me, if this can happen to me, it can happen to you.
So everyone better be nice to me or, as my valet, Lindsey Graham, said, you never know what’s gonna happen.
BILLS – It is rumored that Josh Allen may leave the Bills next season to join Marvel Comics as a new superhero 14-3
DOLPHINS – Its old-school to read tea leaves. For this, I went to South Beach and read the salt on numerous margarita glasses and I discovered that Tua will be really good until he is injured. Hey, I’m just the messenger. 11-6
PATRIOTS – By midseason, bars all across New England will be removing the plaque that says, “In Bill we trust.” 6-11
JETS – It’s ownership’s fault, not Coach Robert Saleh’s, who still must be wondering whether to put “Coach of the Jets” on his resume for his next job, or whether that’s just too embarrassing. Jets 4-12
BROWNS – Jacoby Brissett has the best single season by an NFL quarterback ever. Deshaun Watson never sees the field. The Browns release Watson after the Super Bowl. Meanwhile, owner Jimmy Haslam begins wearing a hat all the time because his devil’s horns are becoming increasingly visible as he ages. 17-0
RAVENS – Lamar Jackson spends the entire season in a poker game where he gives every indication he is not bluffing. Nevertheless, that’s a dangerous style of football he plays. 11-6
STEELERS – Whether it is Mitch Pickett or Kenny Trubisky by the end of the season, Mike Tomlin wills the team to seven wins. 7-10
BENGALS – The ball is over, Cinderella. Those are Bengals helmets, just like always. 4-13
COLTS – Matt Ryan channels his inner Peyton Manning to make the Colts the surprise team in the NFL. 13-3
TITANS – The wear and tear on the off-road vehicle known as Derrick Henry begins to show during the second half of his well-paid season. 10-7
JAGUARS – Trevor Lawrence gets a haircut halfway through the season, and that’s all it takes to turn his career around. 6-11
TEXANS – In some Houston households, a bottle of whisky is sacrificed every time the Browns win to make their Deshaun Watson draft pick worse. It makes their own terrible season tolerable. And at least they will have their own high pick. 2-15
RAIDERS – New coach, new star receiver and maybe the old “Just Win Baby” attitude. In any case, they may be back to the pursuit of excellence. 12-5
CHIEFS – In days of old when Patrick Mahomes got in trouble he could heave the ball somewhere and Tyreek Hill would go and get it. This year, defenders do that. 9-8
CHARGERS – Justin Herbert is the young quarterback everyone professes to want, except, you know, in the playoffs. He doesn’t do playoffs… yet. 9-8
BRONCOS – The Russell Wilson Experience is not as good of a Rocky Mountain jam band as many hoped. In fact, a lot of it is off key. 5-12
COWBOYS – Dak Prescott overcomes Mike McCarthy’s existence to power the Cowboys for most of the season until, finally, McCarthy uses his authority to help the team lose its final four games. 13-4
EAGLES – Jalen Hurts is going to be good enough to keep the Eagles mediocre, the worst of all possible outcomes. 8-9
COMMANDERS – The Football Team is now the Commanders and Carson Wentz is now in command, making this not a very good football team. 6-11
GIANTS – If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. If you can’t make it here, you probably play for the Giants. 5-12
VIKINGS – The Vikings, minus their former headcoach and anchor, have a great season and Kurt Cousins yells, “How do you like me now?” from the covid list while the legend of Nick Mullens is born. 12-5
PACKERS – Aaron Rodgers keeps calling plays that he dreamt up in South America, but none of his teammates understand. They never have. 11-6
LIONS – Coach Dan Cambell breaks kneecaps and cries and yells and is emotionally able to get the Lions to a respectable record. 8-9
BEARS – Poor Justin Fields. He will have a great career after the inept Bears who can’t protect their quarterback move on. 4-13
BUCCANEERS – After Gisele Bundcheon moves in with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Tom Brady declares he plans to play until he is 70. 13-4
PANTHERS – On this installment of “At Home With Baker Mayfield,” Baker is locked out of his childhood home and must move to Carolina to make his way in the world. It’s a dramedy. 10-7
SAINTS – Famous Jameis Winston will have a great season, and also a terrible season. 9-8
FALCONS – Marcus Mariota’s ceiling is being an average quarterback. His floor is this year. 2-15
RAMS – The first half of the season will be a Hollywood sleep walk but maybe OBJ comes back to rescue the team just like last year. 14-3
49ers – After Trey Lance fails and then is hurt, Jimmy G comes to the rescue. 10-7
CARDINALS – Kyler Murray’s dog ate his homework. 8-9
SEAHAWKS – Gino Smith? Drew Lock? Good luck! 1-16
BUCCANEERS OVER VIKINGS
BROWNS OVER COLTS
BROWNS OVER BUCCANEERS