These Week 10 NFL Picks, after recounting the previous Cleveland Browns games for the 2020 season, have found enormous amounts of touchdown fraud in the Browns three losses. Therefore, those games are now wins.
The NFL standings are a fraud. Stop the steal!
Evidence? I found guy outside of a landscaping stores next to an adult bookstore, and he said he knows a guy who heard someone in the bathroom of that bookstore talking about the fraudulent stuff that happened during all three games that the Browns lost. In other words, this is a solid source.
Prove it? That guy in the bathroom just said that someone told someone about that they heard someone say something. So yeah, damn right I can prove it! I just did.
You want more specific proof with less of the made-up hearsay? You mean right now? Or ever? Why should I have to prove it?
You prove that bad stuff didn’t happen somewhere! Go on, I dare you.
Oh, you have proof?
You’re saying that I watched the games. There were plenty of game watchers, you say? The games were live-streamed on my television, huh? You have video of me cussing out Baker Mayfield and the Browns defense while making a beer can pyramid? Yeah, well, that proves nothing.
The Browns were ahead in my mind before every game started, and then suddenly when the Browns played the Ravens and Steelers and they are got destroyed. Wow. Talk about the deep state.
Do you folks see what’s going on here? I don’t even know where to begin, my mind is so blown away by how corrupt the whole system is. How can I ever trust a game score again?
The only thing that I want is to count the legal touchdowns and by “legal” I mean the ones scored by the Cleveland Browns. When you do that, the Browns win. This isn’t hard to understand, except, apparently, by the global Satanic child-eating cabal that wants the Cleveland Browns to lose.
So I have filed my lawsuits. Now we find out what’s gonna happen.
COLTS AT TITANS – Titans 24, Colts 13
JAGUARS AT PACKERS – Packers 37, Jaguars 18
TEXANS AT BROWNS – Browns 35, Texans 31
EAGLES AT GIANTS – Eagles 23, Giants 17
BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS – Buccaneers 42, Panthers 24
WASHINGTON AT LIONS – Lions 22, Washington 21
CHARGERS AT DOLPHINS – Chargers 24, Dolphins 20
BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – Broncos 34, Raiders 31
BILLS AT CARDINALS – Cardinals 33, Bills 23
BENGALS AT STEELERS – Steelers 30, Bengals 19
SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – Rams 36, Seahawks 30
49ers AT SAINTS – Saints 32, 49ers 21
RAVENS AT PATRIOTS – Ravens 27, Patriots 17
VIKINGS AT BEARS – Vikings 26, Bears 13
Apologies to that one fan who missed my picks last week. I hope your medications improve. My excuse was the Browns had a bye, so did I.
This column is sponsored by the new chain of We’re-Rounding-The-Corner Cemeteries. *Franchises Available.*
These week 8 NFL picks, having already voted in every state and half of Canada while wearing a Cleveland Browns jersey, now plan to do it again in every state 31 more times the other 31 NFL jerseys.
You’re doing that too, right?
As the only person on the planet wiser than me, Mr. QAnon, says, Where we go one, we go all.
And I was told by someone who knows Mr. QAnon that the only way Joe Biden could win the presidential election was through massive voter fraud. So I am going for it. Massively.
Yep – where we go one, we go all. So let’s all go vote in every state in a New York Jets jersey. Sure, it smells. Wear your mask.
Look, here’s the deal: This is simply a sacrifice one must make for love of country. We must wear the uniform proudly, and do the dirty work fighting fascism like generations before us.
The orders have come in from George Soros. He’s paying each of us thousands of dollars. Watch your mailbox, if you still get mail.
Back to the massive fraud plan…
After wearing a New York Jets jersey when you vote in every state, you must wear a New York Giants jersey when you vote in every state too in order for this organized plan for massive voter fraud to work. How many times do we have to go over this?
And gulp, a Dallas Cowboys jersey is also part of the necessary rotation. America’s team. Ha, that’s funny. Wear it! Oh yeah, a New England Patriots jersey is also required. Sorry.
So the way I did it was I started by wearing the jersey of favorite team, the Cleveland Browns, to all the voting booths and then I went straight to the bottom and got the Jets and Giants humiliating experience over with.
I saved the Kansas City Chiefs jersey for my last round through the 50 voting booths. I was such an experienced fraudulent voter by then that I even threw some no-look votes, just like Patrick Mahomes himself.
So please everyone, vote early and often.
Wear a different NFL jersey each time you vote in order to disguise your identity, because no one on Earth would confuse a Kansas City Chiefs fan with a New York Jets fan. These are different people entirely – much like a Biden voter and a Trump voter.
But even if this George Soros super organized massive voter fraud plan doesn’t work, don’t be afraid.
Maybe all the real votes will actually be counted.
We shouldn’t need to do any of this if that’s what’s gonna happen.
FALCONS AT PANTHERS – Falcons 25, Panthers 17
PATRIOTS AT BILLS – Bills 29, Patriots 19
VIKINGS AT PACKERS – Packers 36, Vikings 20
JETS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs Infinity, Jets Less Than Zero
STEELERS AT RAVENS – Steelers 30, Ravens 24
TITANS AT BENGALS – Titans 30, Bengals 13
RAIDERS AT BROWNS – Browns 38, Raiders 37
RAMS AT DOLPHINS – Rams 26, Dolphins 10
COLTS AT LIONS – Lions 26, Colts 12
CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – Chargers 23, Broncos 16
SAINTS AT BEARS – Saints 20, Bears 13
49ers AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 30, 49ers 27
COWBOYS AT EAGLES – Eagles 34, Cowboys 16
BUCCANEERS AT GIANTS – Buccaneers 37, Giants 22
This column is sponsored by Electoral College dropouts
The rushed and unproven vaccine that these Week 7 NFL picks recently took was supposed to protect the Cleveland Browns from losing.
But then the Browns played the Pittsburgh Steelers. The final score was Pittsburgh 38, Cleveland 7.
Watching this, I felt sick. So tests on that vaccine have temporarily stopped.
I had been told by the person whom I trust the most, because of his deft use of all caps, that the unproven vaccine was, “fantastic, the best vaccine in the history of the world and it will be BETTER THAN 100 PERCENT EFFECTIVE!”
My illness hit suddenly last Sunday afternoon. That was when my world turned black, and puke yellow. It was terrible. I needed a towel.
Because of what happened in the Browns game last Sunday, I now always wear a mask in public just to make sure no one can see my face. Thank gosh for the nose hole and mouth hole. I wouldn’t want anything to get between the beautiful unfiltered air and my freedom-loving lungs.
So while that one particular rushed experimental unproven vaccine didn’t work, that doesn’t mean that the Cleveland Browns won’t win the Super Bowl. A cure for losing, I am told, is just around the corner.
This losing pandemic has lasted way longer than it should have, mostly because of an epic failure of leadership.
But now I am taking a new vaccine on a trial basis. The first phase is called, “Cincinnati Bengals.” Theoretically, and from previous data, the Cincinnati Bengals have no defense for this vaccine.
These week 6 NFL Picks, in the midst of the apocalypse with a plan to spend eternity on the frozen floor of hell, would like to point out that the Cleveland Browns are 4-1.
And speaking of hell, the Browns travel to Pittsburgh this week where the 4-1 Pittsburgh Steelers will disappear, like a miracle, to quote America’s most eloquent statesman.
All signs point to a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl championship, and to the end of the world. I just hope the Browns championship comes first.
The apocalypse is obviously here, and clearly hell has frozen over because all that ice from the polar ice cap has to go somewhere. And so the prophecy written long ago is coming true.
The prophecy clearly states that when this happens, that shall happen.
“This” is a once a century worldwide pandemic, and “that” is a Cleveland Browns championship. It is simple prophetic math. I learned it in Catholic school.
While a worldwide pandemic is regrettable, an epic economic collapse is not ideal, and a once great nation ripping apart at the seams is unfortunate, look at the bright side. The Cleveland Browns are finally a good football team.
Until last week, four horsemen of the apocalypse were seen causing havoc in society, but last Sunday the Browns took care of the Colts.
And so perhaps, just maybe, the Cleveland Browns can save the world. Cheering for the Browns is exactly like rooting for a Marvel Superhero against the forces of evil. It always has been, except the forces of evil usually win.
And now that the forces of evil are run amok, it’s clear we need a good Cleveland Browns team more than ever. Thankfully, they have risen to the occasion to help make this such a fun year.
In fact, 2020 is obviously the greatest year ever. So much is going right in 2020 that I, just like you, can’t wait to see what’s gonna happen.
BROWNS AT STEELERS – Browns 40, Steelers 38
BENGALS AT COLTS – Bengals 23, Colts 20
BRONCOS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 27, Broncos 17
LIONS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 27, Lions 20
WASHINGTON AT GIANTS – Giants 30, Washington 23
TEXANS AT TITANS – Texans 28, Titans 21
BEARS AT PANTHERS – Panthers 22, Bears 17
RAVENS AT EAGLES – Ravens 34, Eagles 24
FALCONS AT VIKINGS – Falcons 37, Vikings 31
JETS AT DOLPHINS – Dolphins 24, Jets 3
PACKERS AT BUCCANEERS – Packers 34, Buccaneers 30
RAMS AT 49ers – Rams 31, 49ers 22
CHIEFS AT BILLS – Chiefs 35, Bills 15
CARDINALS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 30, Cardinals 23
This column is sponsored by the rigged game show, “So, You Want To Be On The Supreme Court”
These Week 5 NFL Picks, lurking behind the White House dumpster, would like to offer a free sample of Remdesiver, generic name LoseNoMore, to the the suffering, miserable New York Jets fan I found crying back here.
I know that if you are a Jets or Lions fan in this never-ending season of discontent, you probably need extra-strength meth or maybe toothless-grade fentanyl laced with bourbon and imported Chernobyl dust, but this Remdesiver stuff I’ve got is better.
Remdesiver, AKA LoseNoMore, makes you feel alive!
I should know. I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan and I feel great. America’s team! 1-3! Yay! With this stuff, I feel super young and strong again. It’s as if this Remdesiver, I mean LoseNoMore, came from the aborted fetal cells of the USFL. Ha, wouldn’t that be something!
At the beginning of this season, I was a loyal bleach user until I got hooked on Remdesiver after attending a nonjudgmental party at the White House with my Sneeze Club pals Cam Newton and the Tennessee Titans.
And now that Remdesiver has convinced me that the Dallas Cowboys are good, I’d like to tell New York Jets fans, Don’t be afraid of losing. Don’t let it dominate your life.
It’s not like you might die or anything.
Instead, I suggest that you do what I do. Change the subject.
Speaking of the 3-1 Cleveland Browns, let me point out that this year’s Cleveland Browns team is already the greatest football team in the history of the NFL. No team has accomplished more in a season than the Browns already have in four games.
The teams that the Browns beat have a combined record of 3-8-1. No team has ever faced more adversity. Ever!
And this week the Indianapolis Colts, cheered on by Mike Pence and his new pet fly, Skippy, will, in fact, fly to Cleveland to play against the Browns, a team that was chosen by God.
I know this because one of the members of my base (yes, I have a base, don’t you?), told me that I was chosen by God. I never found out what God chose me to do, so I chose to decide that God chose the Cleveland Browns too. I figure it takes pressure off of me.
And as I was saying about the Detroit Lions, they may want to try the REGN-COV2 cocktail, which is as fantastic. It’s incredible the way it worked and made me feel fetal young. The stuff is so good it makes me want to say things like LIBERATE MICHIGAN! Or Stand back and stand by.
It’s clear I was talking about the Detroit Lions when I said this, correct? No one would misinterpret it to mean kidnap the governor, would they?
These week 4 NFL picks, having tested positive for an inability to comprehend basic facts, admit that last week I thought the Baltimore Ravens could beat the Kansas City Chiefs. Nevertheless, I am proud, boy.
Thus, I am standing back and standing by. These are, after all, the only two things that I know how to do as a Cleveland Browns fan.
Yes, I am a Cleveland Browns fan. For that, I am, as I said, proud, boy.
And as a Browns fan, I learned long ago how to stand back and watch other teams win, and to stand by waiting for my team’s turn that never comes. Stand back and stand by? I’ve been doing it for decades.
But now I am especially proud, boy. It’s true. When I picked the Cleveland Browns to win last week and then they won, I thought to myself, Boy, I am proud. I’m proud, boy.
This is how I talk to myself.
Except sometimes when I just say to myself, Will you shut up, man?
Anyway, while I have been standing back and standing by, on the President’s explicit directions, I learned a new NFL rule while watching the recent political debate: a 2-minute warning is really a 3-or-so-minute warning, depending on how belligerent and immature I am willing to act.
So like a Jets fan watching the pathetic Jets stick with Adam Gase as coach, I can be incredibly belligerent and immature.
And now I am at Walter Reed Medical Hospital being treated with an experimental infusion of facts and reality. Doctors tell me my body is rejecting them as completely foreign to my system. So I think I have to stay here for the next few days.
But don’t worry about me. This fact-resistant virus that I have is probably just a hoax. It will disappear, like a miracle. Or maybe I will.
I am pretty sure, just like the Cleveland Browns, I am going to be cured before November and prove, once and for all, that this disease is nothing but the flu. Almost like the whole thing was staged.
So for your sake and the sake of the Cleveland Browns, I’m proud, boy, to predict that I’m going to get better.
And with a wish that that democracy, not a disease, makes a leadership decision in an overwhelming way, I hope that’s what’s gonna happen.
BRONCOS AT JETS – Broncos 37, Jets 28
CARDINALS AT PANTHERS – Cardinals 30, Panthers 17
COLTS AT BEARS – Bears 27, Colts 23
JAGUARS AT BENGALS – Jaguars 30, Bengals 29
BROWNS AT COWBOYS – Browns 50, Cowboys 48
SAINTS AT LIONS – Saints 32, Lions 31
VIKING AT TEXANS – Texans 35, Vikings 25
SEAHAWKS AT DOLPHINS – Seahawks 33, Dolphins 21
STEELERS AT TITANS – Steelers 0, Titans 0, Covid 19
CHARGERS AT BUCCANERS – Buccaneers 29, Chargers 19
RAVENS AT WASHINGTON – Ravens 37, Washington 17
GIANTS AT RAMS – Rams 51, Giants 3
PATRIOTS AT CHIEFS – Patriots 10, Chiefs 7
BILLS AT RAIDERS – Raiders 26, Bills 16
EAGLES AT 49ers – 49ers 34, Eagles 13
FALCONS AT PACKERS – Packers 36, Falcons 29
This column is sponsored by “Pillow Talk With Kimberly Guilfoyle,” evenings during family hour on FOX
Of course I will not let Joe Biden walk “peacefully” into my sidewalk cardboard box covered in white bird poop (I call it The White House), and take over as Prognosticator of the United States Of America.
If the Cleveland Browns do not win the Super Bowl, I will not accept the results. Why would I? If the Browns do not become champions, the system is rigged. It’s really obvious.
Look, I will believe the system is fair when the Browns win the Super Bowl. So we’re going to have to see what happens.
I also don’t accept your “opinion” that the Browns lost to the Ravens in week 1. There are two sides to every story. The lying media with their made up facts and game scores refuses to tell you that. I believe the Cleveland Browns are currently 2-0. Many people are saying so. I just said so.
So we’re going to get rid of the game scores and then you can tell Joe Biden that, frankly, there won’t be a transfer of power, there will be a continuation. Sort of like when Bill Belichick replaced Tom Brady with Cam Newton without worry.
I believe a new Supreme Court Referee who sometimes speaks in tongues at church can fix this problem with game scores, and this is why I nominate Amy Coney Barrett to this important position. She should be able to find some obscure enough language to make the Browns win the Super Bowl.
It may be crazy. On the other hand, maybe thoughts and prayer will finally work. Yeah right. That’s exactly what’s gonna happen.
DOLPHINS AT JAGUARS – Dolphins 31, Jaguars 13
RAMS AT BILLS – Rams 30, Bills 20
TEXANS AT STEELERS – Steelers 34, Texans 20
RAIDERS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 24, Raiders 23
TITANS AT VIKINGS – Vikings 24, Titans 20
WASHINGTON AT BROWNS – Browns 27, Washington 13
BENGALS AT EAGLES – Bengals 33, Eagles 28
49ers AT GIANTS – 49ers 20, Giants 14
BEARS AT FALCONS – Falcons 24, Bears 13
PANTHERS AT CHARGERS – Panthers 30, Chargers 28
JETS AT COLTS – Colts 31, Jets 11
COWBOYS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 38, Cowboys 24
LIONS AT CARDINALS – Cardinals 34, Lions 31
BUCCANEERS AT BRONCOS – Buccaneers 27, Broncos 17
PACKERS AT SAINTS – Packers 35, Saints 25
CHIEFS AT RAVENS – Ravens 32, Chiefs 30
This column is sponsored by Justice Colin Kaepernick, sure to be appointed on President Joe Biden’s first day.
These Week 2 NFL Picks, under newly mandated Federal herd mentality rules, have just received my marching orders from George Soros, Cleveland Browns fan.
As a high-powered card-carrying member of the lamestream media, I do not think for myself. It is not allowed by George Soros, who last week ordered me to pick the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
I don’t even go to the bathroom without George Soros’ approval. And he always asks, “Number 1 or number 2?” I think he has assigned Bill Gates to keep a spreadsheet of this important information at the Geneva, Ohio headquarters of the Deep State.
But I don’t mind. Look at all this power I have that George Soros really has. Impressive, huh?
So while I stare at my mailbox waiting anxiously for my George Soros check to arrive, I would like you to know that it was George Soros, not me, who picked the Detroit Lions to win last week. It is not something I would ever do. Just the thought of it had me preparing for an armed insurrection. Well, everything does nowadays.
I actually don’t believe in anything that George Soros does. He just pays well, or so I am told by Rush Limbaugh, Mike Ditka and Newt Gingrich.
For instance, last week I was in California raking leaves in a forest because I know that is the very best way to prevent catastrophic forest fires. George Soros may worry about global warming but I am petrified of exploding trees.
Then the call went out to members of the lamestream media: Save the reputation of the Cleveland Browns.
One thing George Soros and I both agree on is that the Cleveland Browns are the greatest team in the history of football.
While I said that last week’s 38-6 loss by the Cleveland Browns was actually a great success, George Soros thinks that the Cleveland Browns are a disenfranchised long-suffering minority that needs the support of an empathetic society.
The truth, as I have recently learned from Newt Gingrich and his friends, is that this column has been getting these orders from George Soros for 20 years.
For 20 years, this column, in various forms and places, has predicted the Cleveland Browns would win the Super Bowl. The Cleveland Browns have won the Super Bowl. The Cleveland Browns have never even been to the Super Bowl.
And so, dear reader, please understand that whenever I am wrong, it was not me. It was George Soros.
As I continue to stare hopefully at my mailbox, it should be clear to you by now that this column was written by George Soros. He’s the guy, not me, who knows exactly what’s gonna happen.
BENGALS AT BROWNS – Browns 35 Bengals 30
JAGUARS AT TITANS – Jaguars 24, Titans 17
LIONS AT PACKERS – Packers 35, Lions 23
RAMS AT EAGLES – Rams 30, Eagles 20
GIANTS AT BEARS – Bears 23, Giants 20
49ers AT JETS – 49ers 27, Jets 13
BRONCOS AT STEELERS – Steelers 31, Broncos 14
VIKINGS AT COLTS – Vikings 30, Colts 20
PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – Panthers 23, Buccaneers 19
BILLS AT DOLPHINS – Dolphins 23, Bills 13
FALCONS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 33, Falcons 20
WASHINGTON AT CARDINALS – Washington 20, Cardinals 13
RAVENS AT TEXANS – Ravens 31, Texans 17
CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Chiefs 32, Chargers 12
PATRIOTS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 29, Patriots 17
SAINTS AT RAIDERS – Saints 30, Raiders 20
This column is sponsored by Masks & Lungs, at the corner of Logic Street & Staying Alive Avenue.
As I was telling my trusted loyal friend, Bob Woodward, I had literally no idea what I was doing when I made these Week 1 NFL Picks.
As I told the American people, these week 1 NFL picks are a lock. I encourage you to bet your life on these week 1 NFL picks.
I also told Woodward that the American people will never know that I secretly ordered my secretary of the Environment, a man I call Exxon Valdez, to make the sky glow orange all over the West Coast because I like the color of the Cleveland Browns helmet.
I am in power, I can do whatever I want. And face it, how many people can I shoot on Fifth Avenue before it just gets boring? Okay, 190,000 seems to be the number, but… ah, I can keep going. It is my thing, after all. History will say so.
Anyway, I was talking to Roger Goodell about how sad it is that he only makes $40 million a year, and I may have mentioned a Russian bank in case he needed a loan. Anyway, in a couple of years I think the the San Francisco 49ers will move to Moscow and play under the name, the Moscow McConnells.
For now, it is NFL season and I need a way to distract people from, well, you know, everything. First let me just say five things my doctor suggested I memorize for my own happiness and sense of self worth: person, man, woman, camera, TV. No wait, that’s not it.
Look, I have a lot of complicated lists in my head. Only I could do what I am doing here. Okay, here’s the list: Baker Mayfield, Nick Chubb, Odell Beckham Jr. Myles Garrett, Jarvis Landry.
I say these words because I am the Prognosticator of the United States of only Cleveland Browns fans. I have memorized the words. In order!
Therefore, as a certified Very Stable Genius, I declare the Cleveland Browns will win today. My logic is as perfect as my new bleach-based vaccine, coming very soon to a gun store near you.
And that’s what’s gonna happen.
TEXANS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 34, Texans 20
RAIDERS AT PANTHERS – Raiders 35, Panthers 25
COLTS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 27, Colts 26
DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – Dolphins 30, Patriots 17
EAGLES AT WASHINGTON – Eagles 27, Washington 17
SEAHAWKS AT FALCONS – Seahawks 30, Falcons 20
PACKERS AT VIKINGS – Packers 28, Vikings 17
JETS AT BILLS – Bills 26, Jets 14
BROWNS AT RAVENS – Browns 45, Ravens 17
BEARS AT LIONS – Lions 30, Bears 20
CHARGERS AT BENGALS – Bengals 24, Chargers 9
CARDINALS AT 49ers – Cardinals 17, 49ers 16
BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Buccaneers 35, Saints 34
COWBOYS AT RAMS – Rams 21, Cowboys 17
STEELERS AT GIANTS – Steelers 30, Gians 17
TITANS AT BRONCOS – Titans 31, Broncos 21
This column is sponsored by Dancing In The Street.
As I sit upon my golden throne, processing Big Macs, composing mean tweets and contemplating yesterday’s golf game, it is time for me, the Prognosticator of the United States of America, to reveal my 2020 NFL season picks. BAKER MAYFIELD!
This year, joining my longtime Secretary Of Winning, Hue Jackson, are my two new assistants, Dr. Anthony Faucci and Jimmy QAnon, or ‘True’ & ‘False’ as my disloyal staff calls them. These NFL picks, like my speeches, give you a bit of both.
For instance, this NFL season will be played in its entirety, with each team playing 16 games. That’s true or false, right?
So as Prognosticator of 40 percent of the USA (and frankly, most of them are losers without money), let me begin with…ah, ah, ah, choo!
LAW & ORDER! CAPITAL LETTERS!
Sure, there are three Vietnams worth of Covid-19 casualties on my watch. And yes, Tom Brady is in Tampa. Look, it is what it is. At least Herman Cain is still tweeting and my military people never get injured or killed like they did in that loser bone spur of a war, Vietnam.
Let’s talk alien DNA, demon sperm and bleach. What I mean is let’s talk about the Pittsburgh Steelers. What I mean is, have you tried hydroxychloroquine. It’s as good as Adderall!
DISTRACTION! I am protecting the suburban lifestyle dream of Karen-in-a-pink-jersey in places like Frorida, Yo-Semites National Park, and Thigh-Land. I love Thigh-Land and the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders!
My fellow Americans, You came here for 2020 NFL season picks but the fascist socialists led by Joe Biden would rather every team get a participation trophy of a BLM facemask engraved with Colin Kaepernick’s signature.
Not me. I love the American flag and rigged competition (and Bill Belichick) and the word “rigged.” My beautiful flag that I have mandated to be flown on the back of every big pickup truck in America now represents only 40 percent of the American people, and that’s enough for me.
I represent real Americans, like Daniel Snyder, owner of the Washington football team with the super cool racist name that I want to say a whole bunch of times while my supporters shoot guns and tell native Americans to go back to where they came from.
BOWEL MOVEMENT! Okay, my business in the White House is finished for the day.
Final thought: As this season progresses, you can do all the regular math from Harvard, MIT, or even your stupid state university, but just remember that when the Cleveland Browns win every week, I’m using Electoral College Math, where 63 million is more than 66 million. My old high school buddy, Joe Shapiro, taught it to me.
But back to my golf game. On that last hole, my partner, The My Pillow Guy, missed a three-foot putt. I guess he choked, just like a cop with a gun wrongfully killing someone. Very similar.
I’d like to wish Ghislaine Maxwell and Jerry Falwell Jr. well. Can I get an Amen from my evangelical supporters?
Speaking of evangelicals, this season has about a prayer’s chance of playing every game on time. I wish it was fake news, but that’s what’s gonna happen.
BILLS – Josh Allen is big and that’s worth eight wins. His arm is worth eight losses. 8-8
DOLPHINS – Tua Tagovailoa will be really good as soon as I remember how to spell his name, and this is actually a fair timeline. 7-9
JETS – Sam Darnold sees the ghost of his career. 5-11
PATRIOTS – Cam Newton is roughly the same size as Trevor Lawrence will be. 2-14
BROWNS – Year one of a dyansty, and this tequila is great. 16-0
STEELERS – Big Ben is back and the Steelers did not forget how to lose. 12-4
RAVENS – Lamar Jackson will be MVP-like in half the games. 8-8
BENGALS – Joe Burrow cannot do it all by himself. 4-12
TEXANS – All five losses will be traced to Bill O’Brien. 11-5
TITANS – By the way, Ryan Tannehill is who we think he is. 8-8
COLTS – Philip Rivers is old and two times zones off. 7-9
JAGUARS – In this tank, we will never know what Gardner Minshew could have been. 3-13
CHIEFS – Patrick Mahomes stars as Patrick Mahomes in the Marvel superhero movie, ‘Patrick Mahomes.’ 12-5
BRONCOS – Drew Lock will play just well enough to make John Elway think again he has found a quarterback. 9 – 7
RAIDERS – Raiders finish .500 because you never beat the house in Vegas. 8-8
CHARGERS – Tyrod Taylor is one more Hue Jackson season away from immortality. 3-13
COWBOYS – Jerry Jones has a freezer full of body parts at Cowboys Stadium in case he needs a random transplant at halftime of a game. 12-4
EAGLES – Years from now, dumbfounded people will say things like, “Someone once voted for Carson Wentz for MVP?” 8-8
GIANTS – Saquon Barkley is fun to watch. The Giants are not. 7-9
WASHINGTON – Daniel Snyder is sued by his own eyeballs for the gross things he makes them see. 4-12
VIKINGS – Kirk Cousins would like you to know that if he dies, he dies.11-5
PACKERS – Insurance salesman Aaron Rodgers is now dating Flo, insurance sales lady for a competing company. 10-6
LIONS – Matt Patricia talks to a portrait of Bill Belichick after ever loss, sort of like Nixon used to talk to portraits of dead presidents. 7-9
BEARS – Mitch Trubisky has Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson on his fantasy team. 4-12
SAINTS – Drew Brees kneels, stands, salutes, and the dances like a ballerina during the National Anthem. 10-6
BUCCANEERS – Just to taunt New England fans, Tom Brady shouts, “Foxboro!” before every play the way Peyton Manning used to yell out, “Omaha!”10-6
PANTHERS – Teddy Bridgewater is great until he is hurt again, and I hope I am wrong. 6-10
FALCONS – Turn the page. 5-11
SEAHAWKS – Josh Gordon finds a new legal marijuana store and plays like he did a half decade ago. 13-3
CARDINALS – Year two and no one figures out Kyle Murray yet. 9-7
RAMS – Everybody wanted a Sean McVay type until he began to stand for “mediocre. ”8-8
49ers – Jimmy Garrapolo, AKA Just A Guy. 6-10
BUCCANEERS OVER SEAHAWKS
BROWNS OVER CHIEFS
BROWNS OVER BUCCANEERS
This column is sponsored by The Committee To Re-Elect Dunning-Kruger.