As I sit upon my golden throne, processing Big Macs, composing mean tweets and contemplating yesterday’s golf game, it is time for me, the Prognosticator of the United States of America, to reveal my 2020 NFL season picks. BAKER MAYFIELD!
This year, joining my longtime Secretary Of Winning, Hue Jackson, are my two new assistants, Dr. Anthony Faucci and Jimmy QAnon, or ‘True’ & ‘False’ as my disloyal staff calls them. These NFL picks, like my speeches, give you a bit of both.
For instance, this NFL season will be played in its entirety, with each team playing 16 games. That’s true or false, right?
So as Prognosticator of 40 percent of the USA (and frankly, most of them are losers without money), let me begin with…ah, ah, ah, choo!
LAW & ORDER! CAPITAL LETTERS!
Sure, there are three Vietnams worth of Covid-19 casualties on my watch. And yes, Tom Brady is in Tampa. Look, it is what it is. At least Herman Cain is still tweeting and my military people never get injured or killed like they did in that loser bone spur of a war, Vietnam.
Let’s talk alien DNA, demon sperm and bleach. What I mean is let’s talk about the Pittsburgh Steelers. What I mean is, have you tried hydroxychloroquine. It’s as good as Adderall!
DISTRACTION! I am protecting the suburban lifestyle dream of Karen-in-a-pink-jersey in places like Frorida, Yo-Semites National Park, and Thigh-Land. I love Thigh-Land and the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders!
My fellow Americans, You came here for 2020 NFL season picks but the fascist socialists led by Joe Biden would rather every team get a participation trophy of a BLM facemask engraved with Colin Kaepernick’s signature.
Not me. I love the American flag and rigged competition (and Bill Belichick) and the word “rigged.” My beautiful flag that I have mandated to be flown on the back of every big pickup truck in America now represents only 40 percent of the American people, and that’s enough for me.
I represent real Americans, like Daniel Snyder, owner of the Washington football team with the super cool racist name that I want to say a whole bunch of times while my supporters shoot guns and tell native Americans to go back to where they came from.
BOWEL MOVEMENT! Okay, my business in the White House is finished for the day.
Final thought: As this season progresses, you can do all the regular math from Harvard, MIT, or even your stupid state university, but just remember that when the Cleveland Browns win every week, I’m using Electoral College Math, where 63 million is more than 66 million. My old high school buddy, Joe Shapiro, taught it to me.
But back to my golf game. On that last hole, my partner, The My Pillow Guy, missed a three-foot putt. I guess he choked, just like a cop with a gun wrongfully killing someone. Very similar.
I’d like to wish Ghislaine Maxwell and Jerry Falwell Jr. well. Can I get an Amen from my evangelical supporters?
Speaking of evangelicals, this season has about a prayer’s chance of playing every game on time. I wish it was fake news, but that’s what’s gonna happen.
BILLS – Josh Allen is big and that’s worth eight wins. His arm is worth eight losses. 8-8
DOLPHINS – Tua Tagovailoa will be really good as soon as I remember how to spell his name, and this is actually a fair timeline. 7-9
JETS – Sam Darnold sees the ghost of his career. 5-11
PATRIOTS – Cam Newton is roughly the same size as Trevor Lawrence will be. 2-14
BROWNS – Year one of a dyansty, and this tequila is great. 16-0
STEELERS – Big Ben is back and the Steelers did not forget how to lose. 12-4
RAVENS – Lamar Jackson will be MVP-like in half the games. 8-8
BENGALS – Joe Burrow cannot do it all by himself. 4-12
TEXANS – All five losses will be traced to Bill O’Brien. 11-5
TITANS – By the way, Ryan Tannehill is who we think he is. 8-8
COLTS – Philip Rivers is old and two times zones off. 7-9
JAGUARS – In this tank, we will never know what Gardner Minshew could have been. 3-13
CHIEFS – Patrick Mahomes stars as Patrick Mahomes in the Marvel superhero movie, ‘Patrick Mahomes.’ 12-5
BRONCOS – Drew Lock will play just well enough to make John Elway think again he has found a quarterback. 9 – 7
RAIDERS – Raiders finish .500 because you never beat the house in Vegas. 8-8
CHARGERS – Tyrod Taylor is one more Hue Jackson season away from immortality. 3-13
COWBOYS – Jerry Jones has a freezer full of body parts at Cowboys Stadium in case he needs a random transplant at halftime of a game. 12-4
EAGLES – Years from now, dumbfounded people will say things like, “Someone once voted for Carson Wentz for MVP?” 8-8
GIANTS – Saquon Barkley is fun to watch. The Giants are not. 7-9
WASHINGTON – Daniel Snyder is sued by his own eyeballs for the gross things he makes them see. 4-12
VIKINGS – Kirk Cousins would like you to know that if he dies, he dies.11-5
PACKERS – Insurance salesman Aaron Rodgers is now dating Flo, insurance sales lady for a competing company. 10-6
LIONS – Matt Patricia talks to a portrait of Bill Belichick after ever loss, sort of like Nixon used to talk to portraits of dead presidents. 7-9
BEARS – Mitch Trubisky has Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson on his fantasy team. 4-12
SAINTS – Drew Brees kneels, stands, salutes, and the dances like a ballerina during the National Anthem. 10-6
BUCCANEERS – Just to taunt New England fans, Tom Brady shouts, “Foxboro!” before every play the way Peyton Manning used to yell out, “Omaha!”10-6
PANTHERS – Teddy Bridgewater is great until he is hurt again, and I hope I am wrong. 6-10
FALCONS – Turn the page. 5-11
SEAHAWKS – Josh Gordon finds a new legal marijuana store and plays like he did a half decade ago. 13-3
CARDINALS – Year two and no one figures out Kyle Murray yet. 9-7
RAMS – Everybody wanted a Sean McVay type until he began to stand for “mediocre. ”8-8
49ers – Jimmy Garrapolo, AKA Just A Guy. 6-10
BUCCANEERS OVER SEAHAWKS
BROWNS OVER CHIEFS
BROWNS OVER BUCCANEERS