I will give you my Super Bowl 54 prediction very soon. I would like you to do me a favor, though.
Act like this makes sense.
Anyway, I take this Super Bowl 54 prediction super seriously. That’s why I just ate a fortune cookie.
Of course I weigh things carefully – the same as, say, a United States Republican Senator acting as a juror in an impeachment trial.
In other words, I have made up my mind and I am willing to cite almost anything as evidence of why I decided as I have.
All information is important, even if I ate it and it disappeared. I would never conduct a cover up. I instead call this a belly full.
So let me tell you how we got here:
Late last summer, I visited a green-eyed fortune teller named Jimmy Nostradumus.
Jimmy was not just a fortune teller. He also knew how to reach dead people. He has a special phone book, I think.
When I walked in, his green eyes seemed to know that I would give him all my money and then he would help me get in touch with my late Uncle Fred, who I miss greatly – but never actually existed.
Uncle Fred, through Jimmy, told me that I should remember the old neighborhood and pick the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl. I think I wore a Cleveland Browns shirt to visit this amazing fortune teller, who somehow knew I like the Cleveland Browns.
This is why I am predicting the Cleveland Browns to win Super Bowl 54. Because of my late imaginary Uncle Fred.
This is perfectly logical, and I have obviously cited credible evidence. Believe what you want. But if you are fair & balanced, you will certainly consider this theory on equal ground with facts.
But if you want to believe the hoax that Super Bowl 54 can only be won by Kansas City Chiefs or San Francisco 49ers, I cannot account for, nor do I understand, your liberal bias.
Sure, I know that the Cleveland Browns are not playing in the Super Bowl. Uncle Fred, from way beyond the grave, says that is irrelevant.
“I’ve been watching America since I died,” said Fred. “No one cares about facts. What do you feel should happen?”
So, directly from Uncle Fred – his words, not mine – here is what’s gonna happen.
Pregame – The Fox & Friends Group interviews President Trump while he sits on their couch and they take turns shining his shoes. He says the Chiefs will win because the 49ers are represented by Nancy Pelosi. A soon-to-be-bankrupt company watches all of its money disappear in 60 seconds of a commercial no one will ever remember.
Coin Flip – The NFL decides to use a bitcoin but the blockchain gets hacked by the New England Patriots video department, which claims to be innocently working on a light feature about NFL referees and the coin flip and blockchain hackers. Eventually, the replay booth rules (many say, erroneously) that the Chiefs won the toss. They defer.
First Quarter – Raheem Mostert picks up right where he left off, running for 40 yards on the first drive. Jimmy Garrapolo finishes it with a touchdown throw to George Kittle. And Baker Mayfield, who has been taking care of the facilities at all 32 NFL Stadiums this year instead of studying his playbook, somehow sneaks in for a touchdown during an instant replay review. 49ers 7, Chiefs 0 (Browns 7)
Second Quarter – Troy Aikman spends a lot of time talking about Baker Mayfield’s touchdown while the 49ers drive down the field and score twice on Raheem Mostert runs. Neither the Chiefs nor Baker Mayfield scores in the second quarter. Troy Aikman speculates that Mayfield is fixing the toilets in the lower level concourse. 49ers 21, Chiefs 0 (Browns 7)
Halftime – Jenny from the block sings songs and is joined by her backup singer, John Bolton, who really sings. Donald Trump tweets, “Horrible voice, can’t even follow the lyrics I gave him. Thumbs down! Embarrassing!” With that, Trump loses the Jenny from the block block of voters.
Third quarter – The Chiefs show slight signs of life and get a field goal. But Raheem Morris tops 200 yards in the third quarter and scores his third touchdown of the game. Meanwhile Baker Mayfield is somehow sacked for a loss on third and eight. But he repaints the yard lines and it turns out he was sacked for a nine-yard gain. “That kid has moxie,” says Joe Buck. But the drive stalls when his wife wants coffee. 49ers 28, Chiefs 3 (Browns 7)
Fourth Quarter – Kyle Shanahan is feeling mighty good. After all, his team is up 28-3 in the Super Bowl. T-shirts are being printed. Balloons are being filled. Champagne is on ice. Meanwhile someone in Atlanta says, “Ive seen this movie before,” and someone in New England smiles nostalgically and says, “Well, we know how this ends.” And that’s when Patrick Mahomes goes into the phone booth on the sidelines (yes, a phone booth!) and comes out dressed as, well, Patrick Mahomes. Eight touchdown later, he kneels for the win. Except that Baker Mayfield scores ten touchdowns in a row because he has the toilet plunger in his hands and no one wants to tackle him. “One opposing player who actually played in the game says of Mayfield, “the only reason he’s so good is because he stinks.” Chiefs 59, 49ers 28 (Browns 85)
Postgame – Patrick Mahomes is MVP. Andy Reid exhales after 40 years of holding his breath and he suddenly is skinny. Troy Aikman interviews a toilet plunger, which claims to have “woke up feeling dangerous.”
Final Note: For those three people who read this column (hi Mom!), thank you. This may be the end as I have other things to focus on in the future. Perhaps maybe then the Cleveland Browns will finally win a Super Bowl.