When I was was first running for Prognisticator of the United States of America, I promised that my 2019 Week 1 NFL picks would be used to congratulate Poland for getting invaded by Nazis.
Winning in week 1 in the NFL is like getting elected once. Crazy stuff can happen. So Russia, if you are listening, winning in the playoffs is like having a plan to get re-elected. Yeah. Anyway, congratulations Poland!
Now I’d like to congratulate the Miami Dolphins for building a wall between themselves and NFL credibility. Believe me, I know something about walls and credibility. It’s incredible, isn’t it?
Talk about incredible, I hear that a bunch of loser teams are looking at Week 1 in the NFL and thinking they’ve got a chance because the crooked media tells them so.
The fake and corrupt so-called news have gone totally CRAZY over the Cleveland Browns, as if they invented the color orange.
This ridiculous swooning over a team that hasn’t won anything since the Beatles released their first album in America, and way before The Apprentice ever started, has me scared because that’s how hype works.
If you make enough people believe in a fable, such as the Cleveland Browns seem to be doing, it can come true. I know. I draw with sharpies on hurricane maps. I can change the course of nature. I move hurricanes. I start fires.
Which brings me back to congratulating the Miami Dolphins for engaging in a trade war by trading away all their players and declaring a war on their fans. Just the thought of it makes my cold, empty heart beat extra fast while it pumps the diet Pepsi and cheeseburger grease that is my lifeblood.
And Bill O’Brien of the Houston Texans might be even crazier than the Dolphins. I totally love it. He’s all in, thinking only of now, right now. Unlike Stupid Bill Clinton and Hillary (lock her up, not me!), who didn’t stop thinking about tomorrow, I never start thinking about tomorrow, Well, except the next election.
And did I mention Russia, if you are listening, keep doing what you are doing because I’d hate to have to congratulate you, and, believe me, it would be disastrous if you ever congratulated me. So that’s what’s gonna happen.
PACKERS AT BEARS – Aaron Rodgers calls an audible, “win,” and it works. Packers 27, Bears 19
BILLS AT JETS – The hype is real. The Josh Allen hype. Gregg Williams defense? Not so much. Bills 30
RAVENS AT DOLPHINS – Even on this high school team, Ryan Fitzpatrick has one week of Fitzmagic in him. He’s going to need to do it early while he can walk. Dolphins 31, Ravens 13
CHIEFS AT JAGUARS – The Chiefs are projected by many to go to the Super Bowl. For one week, Nick Foles reminds everyone that he won one. Jaguars 31, Chiefs 29
TITANS AT BROWNS – There is a new world order. Browns 52, Titans 3
REDSKINS AT EAGLES – Carson Wentz is what I think he is, better than mediocre but less than excellent. Eagles 27, Redskins 17
FALCONS AT VIKINGS – Kurt Cousin has a few good games in him every year. This is one. Vikings 24, Falcons 20
RAMS AT PANTHERS – The Rams are not playing the Patriots, so they remember how to score. Rams 32, Panthers 20
COLTS AT CHARGERS – Construction has begun on the Jacoby Brissett statue. Colts 20, Chargers 19
BENGALS AT SEAHAWKS – Jadveon Clowney has 3 sacks, a forced fumble and an interception return for a touchdown. Seahawks 39, Bengals 10
LIONS AT CARDINALS – This is not college football. Oh wait, the Lions are coached by Matt Patricia. Cardinals 28, Lions 22
GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Saquon Barkley plays twice as well as Ezekial Elliot, who uses his money to hire an assistant to carry the ball for him. But Eli Manning is still the quarterback. Cowboys 24, Giants 17
49ers AT BUCCANEERS – Two quarterbacks that have the potential to be the best in the league or out of the league in two years. Pick em’, says Vegas. Buccaneers 29, 49ers 10
STEELERS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots are loaded and if Josh Gordon plays anywhere near his peak (the closest thing I have ever seen to Jerry Rice), this may not be fair to the rest of the NFL. Patriots 36, Steelers 23
TEXANS AT SAINTS – This will be the low point of the season for the Saints, and the high point for the Texans. It is called week 1 for a reason. Texans 33, Saints 24
BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – Jon Gruden gets his old job back and announces the game while he coaches the game. It shows. Broncos 27, Raiders 9