These Week 12 NFL Picks would like you acknowledge the truth: Myles Garrett did not kill Mason Rudolph. So where’s the crime?
Garrett, perhaps the strongest man in the NFL, did not even hurt Mason Rudolph when he was explaining to him how diplomacy works. Again, I ask, where’s the crime?
The end result is there was no harm done. After all, and I emphasize this – Mason Rudolph is still alive.
The other side would have you believe that just because a person wearing a Cleveland Browns helmet swings a Pittsburgh Steelers helmet at a person not wearing a helmet, that the helmet swinger is deserving of punishment. But that’s not true, is it?
What’s actually true is that Myles Garrett was conducting brilliant diplomacy and furthering the cause of, not only America but also statesman-like decorum. If you recall, Mason Rudolph may not have been wearing a helmet but he was wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers uniform at the time of the alleged incident. So, clearly he had it coming to him.
Look, this is one of the biggest frauds ever perpetrated on the American NFL public. The other side has been after him ever since he became a professional and the NFL forced him to play for Hue Jackson. This goes to the highest levels of the NFL, conspiring against Myles Garrett.
But Myles Garrett will get his revenge. Within a year or two, the Browns will trade him to the Patriots for a conditional seventh round draft pick. And then suddenly, he’ll not just be a good player, but also a good guy. Because players who play for the Patriots never do anything wrong. That’s obviously What’s Gonna Happen.
COLTS AT TEXANS – Deshaun Watson got last week out of his system. It won’t be easy, but he’s (in Belichick-speak) onto this week. Texans 28, Colts 20
BRONCOS AT BILLS – The Bills are not pretty but they are pretty good. The Broncos, on the other hand, are run by Mensa applicant John Elway. Bills 20, Broncos 10
GIANTS AT BEARS – Mitchell Trubisky reads The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Football (Google the authors, plural) and throws five touchdown passes. Bears 38, Giants 20
STEELERS AT BENGALS – While the Steelers are in Cincinnati, the organization builds a statue of Mason Rudolph grabbing Myles Garrett’s crotch. Steelers 24, Bengals 14
DOLPHINS AT BROWNS – Freddie Kitchens has the Browns spend the week learning not to hit the opposing team over the head with a helmet. Meanwhile, Baker Mayfield is thrilled to face the Dade County Community College defense. Browns 42, Dolphins 22
BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – The Falcons win to continue their rise towards mediocracy. Falcons 27, Buccaneers 13
PANTHERS AT SAINTS – While it is the end of the Kyle Allen glory days, Drew Brees has a few more in him. Saints 38, Panthers 18
SEAHAWKS AT EAGLES – The Eagles really need a win. Russell Wilson, with two minutes to go, really doesn’t care. Seahawks 23, Eagles 20
LIONS AT REDSKINS – Jeff Driskel (Who?) for the Lions against first round draft pick Dwayne Haskins for the Redskins. I’ll go with Who? because he doesn’t play for the Redskins. Lions 24, Redskins 10
RAIDERS AT JETS – Sam Darnold is maybe actually possibly an NFL quarterback and the Raiders are traveling a long way to come find out. Jets 17, Raiders 10
JAGUARS AT TITANS – Apparently, people will pay money to see this in person. They make a wise decision as it, oddly, turns out to be an exciting game. Titans 20, Jaguars 17
COWBOYS AT PATRIOTS – Tom Brady is frustrated this year. Jerry Jones has been frustrated for all of Tom Brady’s career. Patriots 24, Cowboys 23
PACKERS AT 49ers – You would think the 49ers pass rush would get to Aaron Rodgers. But he’s Aaron Rodgers for a reason, and it’s not his acting skills. Packers 30, 49ers 24
RAVENS AT RAMS – Lamar Jackson throws for 11 touchdowns and runs for 297 yards, and is inducted into the Hall of Fame at halftime… according to some analysts on ESPN. Rams 20, Ravens 13
BYE AT CARDINALS – Kliff Kingsbury, tries to change his offense so he takes a walk and every three yards he kicks up a cloud of dust, which causes him to think up another pass play.
BYE AT CHIEFS – Patrick Mahomes plays Madden and realizes that video Patrick Mahomes can do things he can’t.
BYE AT CHARGERS – They have as much chance of winning this week as they do of ever winning another playoff game.
BYE AT VIKINGS – The Vikings are 8-3! The Vikings are 8-3! On the way to a playoff loss!
This column is sponsored by the future room at the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library that will hold the golden throne from where the President tweets.