Who’s up for some high crimes and misdemeanors on the way to these Week 15 NFL Picks?
Half of you? Perfect. This is exactly how I planned it.
You are the patriotic ones who understand that there is nothing more fun than high crimes.
As for misdemeanors, sure. Why not?
Give me some orange paint in an old-school ozone-burning spray can and put me near a deserted bridge underpass in Pittsburgh, and I will give you an illegal, badly drawn Cleveland Browns helmet.
My defense will be that it is art and a political statement about the struggles of the human soul in a time of climate change, mass immigration and several other hot button issues of your choosing.
Soon, everyone will be calling me Banksy. or, at worst, I will be making high-tax bracket money with duct tape and a banana and then I will take my money to the banksy.
My point is that these Week 15 NFL Picks cannot believe you actually impeached me from my job as Prognosticator of the United States. You stupid ugly fools are bullies with bad haircuts. Be best!
I mean, you’re going to impeach me over what? My call of the Browns to win the Super Bowl was perfect. It was a perfect call.
And, it’s not like I’m a New England Patriots’ fan sending my cell phone video to Bill Belichick, er, I mean Kraft Productions.
So I’m going to enjoy my day of very high crimes and misdemeanors, and I plan to start at 4:20 a.m. or p.m., whichever comes first.
As for the other half of you who support impeaching me for high crimes and misdemeanors, let me respond in my best statesman voice, I know you are but what am I?
So it’s onto high crimes for me, but maybe I’ll skip the misdemeanors because I am usually hungry after high crimes. Then again, maybe not. I was going to eat my last banana, but now I can’t find it. That’s definitely what’s gonna happen.
JETS AT RAVENS – Lamar Jackson, Marvel Superhero, is allowed to wear a cape on the field. Ravens 42, Jets 21
EAGLES AT REDSKINS – Every Sunday morning since he bought the Redskins, Daniel Snyder has started his day by looking in the mirror and saying, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” Eagles 31, Redskins 13
TEXANS AT TITANS – Ryan Tannehill must have went down to the crossroads to become this good. Titans 30, Texans 20
DOLPHINS AT GIANTS – Eli Manning plays like vintage Eli Manning, which is very average outside of two spectacular stretches of his career. But it’s still enough against the Dolphins. Giants 20, Dolphins 16
BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – Drew Lock meets Earth. Chiefs 34, Broncos 10
BEARS AT PACKERS – The Bears are getting better and surprise the Packers, who have often been only good enough. Bears 23, Packers 20
BUCCANEERS AT LIONS – This game is on the schedule. Buccaneers 24, Lions 13
PATRIOTS AT BENGALS – The Patriots, who remember every slight, were accused of cheating by the worst team in the NFL. In the old days with a real offense, the Patriots would win 97-3. Instead, this “blowout” is Patriots 20, Bengals 3
SEAHAWKS AT PANTHERS – A once promising Panthers season continues its collapse. Seahawks 28, Panthers 17
VIKINGS AT CHARGERS – San Diego is better than its record and the Vikings remain suspicious until the playoffs. Thus, trap game…. Chargers 24, Vikings 20
JAGUARS AT RAIDERS – The Oakland Raiders. It’s fun to say. Well, it was. Raiders 27, Jaguars 17
BROWNS AT CARDINALS – Odell Beckham Jr. tells Cardinals players and coaches, “Nah, not you guys.” Browns 37, Cardinals 27
FALCONS AT 49ers – The 49ers look ready for the playoffs and the Falcons look ready to watch the playoffs. 49ers 30, Falcons 9
RAMS AT COWBOYS – The final collapse of Jason Garrett as Cowboys coach is upon us. Rams 31, Cowboys 13
BILLS AT STEELERS – Get your ducks in a row, they say. Bills 29, Steelers 12
COLTS AT SAINTS – The season narrative of both teams takes shape in this game. Saints 36, Colts 20