For these week 2 NFL Picks, as Prognosticator of the United States, I’d like to introduce my new secretary of defense, Antonio Brown. Wait, I have a secretary of defense? Who is that?
Sure, I know Antonio Brown plays offense. That’s why I feel so secure about my nationality. Wait, that’s it. He can be my national security advisor! I am brilliant.
My choice of Brown for national security advisor shows I only hire the best people. And so unexpected! Sort of like the allegations against him. Which means that now he needs a defense attorney so, (bonus!), he’ll have some help with the job of secretarying my defense while securing my nationality.
As my secretary, I guess he’ll take shorthand and fetch my coffee when I order the Coast Guard to bomb France or when I give the Abraham Lincoln Trump Medal Of Freedom & Golf (the newest, best medal ever) to my dearest friend and lover, Kim Jong Un.
Everyone loves me like Kim, right? And you know that Lincoln would have stayed at a Trump resort, if he had a chance. It’s sad.
He wasn’t a bad President. Not the best. I like Presidents who don’t rule a divided country.
Do do you love me, or what? Of course you do. Don’t believe the fake polls in which you told people you hate me. You people crack me up, lying to the media for my sake.
I haven’t laughed so much since I watched John Bolton in a Miami Dolphins hoodie twirl his mustache and dream of the apocalypse. I knew that I had to fire him. The Dolphins are playing the Patriots this week. I couldn’t bear to watch his dream come true.
Speaking of dreams, the Cleveland Browns were dreaming last week. Either that or they were vaping $3 billion of Purdue Pharma’s Best Lawsuit Oxycontin Triple Yacht Vape Juice ™.
And while my Prognosticatorcy may be off to a slow-as-the-Cleveland-Browns start, don’t worry. I have put Jared in charge. That’s why I picked the Browns to win last week. He didn’t have time to study the game because he was finishing his plan for Middle East peace. But this week, he assured me, he’s ready.
Anyway, did you ever notice how the fake news is always saying that everything I do is horrible? They say that just because I picked the Cleveland Browns to win last week and they lost by a million points that I don’t know how to pick football games.
Let me say this again. Listen to me. Then, believe me. Look at this watch swing back and forth. You are getting sleepy, very sleepy. Mexico is paying for the wall, and I know the NFL – especially What’s Gonna Happen.
BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS – Cam Newton’s shoulder versus Jameis Winston’s brain. No contest. Panthers 28, Buccaneers 13
CARDINALS AT RAVENS – Lamar Jackson looked like Johnny Unitas last week against some high school team from Miami. Should be sightly more difficult this week against his shorter clone of sorts. Ravens 24, Cardinals 20
COWBOYS AT REDSKINS – After last week’s game proving his point, Dak Prescott refuses to throw touchdowns until he gets a new contract. Luckily, Zeke has a new contract and three touchdowns. Cowboys 24, Redskins 10
COLTS AT TITANS – The Titans are who I say they are. It’s my column. Colts 17, Titans 3
SEAHAWKS AT STEELERS – After more a half a century of the universe being interrupted, the Pittsburgh Steelers are finally back to where they belong. They suck. Seahawks 20, Steelers 13
BILLS AT GIANTS – Josh Allen continues to grow. Literally. He’s now the size of Dikembe Mutumbo, who was more accurate. Bills 22, Giants 20
49ers AT BENGALS – Andy Dalton versus Andy Dalton 2.0. The original has a better team. Bengals 23, 49ers 20
CHARGERS AT LIONS – Matt Patricia is still the coach of the Lions. Chargers 24, Lions 12
VIKINGS AT PACKERS – The legend of Aaron Rodgers is over. Vikings 25, Packers 17
JAGUARS AT TEXANS – Deshaun Watson is awesome but his coach is the Matt Patricia of Bill O’Briens. And I am all in on the legend of Gardner Minshew leading a 2-minute drive, helped by a Bill O’Brien gaffe, to win the game. Jaguars 23, Texans 22
PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS – The Patriots should win by 1 million points but the Dolphins usually give them trouble. Patriots 100,000,000 Dolphins 3
CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – The Raiders are at home and the fans don’t yet hate them for moving. Raiders 25, Chiefs 20
SAINTS AT RAMS – As in motor sports, Gentleman, start the scoreboard. Rams 47, Saints 37
BEARS AT BRONCOS – Kahlil Mack has breakfast, lunch and dinner. Joe Flacco wakes up with ketchup all over his body. Mitch Trubisky still wears a Trubisky jersey. Bears 10, Broncos 9
EAGLES AT FALCONS – This is my lock of the week, which probably means you can guarantee that I am wrong. Interpret this as you will. Falcons 29, Eagles 11
BROWNS AT JETS – Sam Darnold will not play because of an illness (sick of being on the Jets?). Baker Mayfield, who will play, looked last week like (worst nightmare come true) Johnny Manziel. When it comes to football, I never believe my own eyes. It’s the only way I have stayed so obviously totally sane and rational for decades. Browns 47, Jets 10