These Week 3 NFL Picks have a whistle and an urgent message that I am required by law to say: the guy who writes this column is actually not a very stable genius.
I am a witness. I can hear his thoughts.
What I am saying is that the Prognosticator of the United States had a communication with a foreign leader (okay, it was Johnny Manziel, or someone who drinks like him), and he made a crazy dangerous promise – something about getting rid of all the quarterbacks in the NFL until Johnny gets a job.
And I think he’s starting to follow through on it.
My theory is that he took Sam Darnold golfing at one of his golf courses and then kissed him, giving Darnold his icky cooties or mononucleosis or whatever. Look, it’s just a theory. It’s what people say.
I have no obligation to be honest with the media. And by extension, I have no problem lying to those who consume that media. For instance, you are reading this column. Let me tell you, it’s a bunch of (and I just learned this cool, new, modern word) malarkey.
So of course I am lying to you. Now, let me tell you the truth. NFL quarterbacks are dropping like flies. Coincidence, or is a promise being kept?
Look, believe what you want. I do. I even believe that this is what’s gonna happen.
TITANS AT JAGUARS – Gardner Minshew scores a touchdown and then dances like John Travolta in Saturday Night fever. Still not quite enough. Titans 16, Jaguars 13
BENGALS AT BILLS – The Bills are 2-0 and the Bengals look horrible. So early-season NFL logic, of course, says the Bengals are the pick. Bengals 23, Bills 10
LIONS AT EAGLES – Matthew Stafford will outplay Carson Wentz, who isn’t as good as advertised. Lions 23, Eagles 17
JETS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots played the Dolphins last week, the Jets this week, and, one assumes, a junior high school from North Dakota next week. Meanwhile, Antonio Brown hires Corey Lewandowski as his spokesman. Patriots 38, Jets 11
RAIDERS AT VIKINGS – The average Vikings are better than the below average Raiders. That’s how math works. Vikings 30, Raiders 20
FALCONS AT COLTS – The Colts are trying to prove it was lucky (yes, lucky, get it? ) to have Jacoby Brissett at quarterback this season. Colts 24, Falcons 20
RAVENS AT CHIEFS – A playoff preview? Best game of the year so far? Or a blowout? Chiefs 42, Ravens 20
BRONCOS AT PACKERS – The Broncos have been created by John Elway’s intelligence. Packers 24, Broncos 10
DOLPHINS AT COWBOYS – I am a genius. I think the Dolphins will lose. On Monday, I say, “I told you so.” Cowboys 42, Dolphins 13
GIANTS AT BUCCANEERS – Daniel Jones is not Eli Manning. But the receivers are the same. Buccaneers 24, Giants 13
PANTHERS AT CARDINALS – On third and nine, Kyler Murray realizes he should have played baseball. Panthers 22, Cardinals 9
STEELERS AT 49ers – Mason Rudolph is the Bubby Brister of my dreams. 49ers 31, Steelers 10
SAINTS AT SEAHAWKS – Teddy Bridgewater will be the last to discover that he is not Drew Brees. Seahawks 22, Saints 11
TEXANS AT CHARGERS – The Texans will be a solid ,500 team all year, which means they win some and they lose some. They lose this one. Chargers 24, Texans 16
RAMS AT BROWNS – Last year’s Super Bowl loser against this year’s Super Bowl winner. It should be a heck of a game if Baker Mayfield remembers how to play quarterback. Browns 45, Rams 41
BEARS AT REDSKINS – The Bears needed a win and the schedule maker gave them the Redskins. Bears 29, Redskins 14