These week 4 NFL picks, having tested positive for an inability to comprehend basic facts, admit that last week I thought the Baltimore Ravens could beat the Kansas City Chiefs. Nevertheless, I am proud, boy.
Thus, I am standing back and standing by. These are, after all, the only two things that I know how to do as a Cleveland Browns fan.
Yes, I am a Cleveland Browns fan. For that, I am, as I said, proud, boy.
And as a Browns fan, I learned long ago how to stand back and watch other teams win, and to stand by waiting for my team’s turn that never comes. Stand back and stand by? I’ve been doing it for decades.
But now I am especially proud, boy. It’s true. When I picked the Cleveland Browns to win last week and then they won, I thought to myself, Boy, I am proud. I’m proud, boy.
This is how I talk to myself.
Except sometimes when I just say to myself, Will you shut up, man?
Anyway, while I have been standing back and standing by, on the President’s explicit directions, I learned a new NFL rule while watching the recent political debate: a 2-minute warning is really a 3-or-so-minute warning, depending on how belligerent and immature I am willing to act.
So like a Jets fan watching the pathetic Jets stick with Adam Gase as coach, I can be incredibly belligerent and immature.
And now I am at Walter Reed Medical Hospital being treated with an experimental infusion of facts and reality. Doctors tell me my body is rejecting them as completely foreign to my system. So I think I have to stay here for the next few days.
But don’t worry about me. This fact-resistant virus that I have is probably just a hoax. It will disappear, like a miracle. Or maybe I will.
I am pretty sure, just like the Cleveland Browns, I am going to be cured before November and prove, once and for all, that this disease is nothing but the flu. Almost like the whole thing was staged.
So for your sake and the sake of the Cleveland Browns, I’m proud, boy, to predict that I’m going to get better.
And with a wish that that democracy, not a disease, makes a leadership decision in an overwhelming way, I hope that’s what’s gonna happen.
BRONCOS AT JETS – Broncos 37, Jets 28
CARDINALS AT PANTHERS – Cardinals 30, Panthers 17
COLTS AT BEARS – Bears 27, Colts 23
JAGUARS AT BENGALS – Jaguars 30, Bengals 29
BROWNS AT COWBOYS – Browns 50, Cowboys 48
SAINTS AT LIONS – Saints 32, Lions 31
VIKING AT TEXANS – Texans 35, Vikings 25
SEAHAWKS AT DOLPHINS – Seahawks 33, Dolphins 21
STEELERS AT TITANS – Steelers 0, Titans 0, Covid 19
CHARGERS AT BUCCANERS – Buccaneers 29, Chargers 19
RAVENS AT WASHINGTON – Ravens 37, Washington 17
GIANTS AT RAMS – Rams 51, Giants 3
PATRIOTS AT CHIEFS – Patriots 10, Chiefs 7
BILLS AT RAIDERS – Raiders 26, Bills 16
EAGLES AT 49ers – 49ers 34, Eagles 13
FALCONS AT PACKERS – Packers 36, Falcons 29