These Week 5 NFL Picks, lurking behind the White House dumpster, would like to offer a free sample of Remdesiver, generic name LoseNoMore, to the the suffering, miserable New York Jets fan I found crying back here.
I know that if you are a Jets or Lions fan in this never-ending season of discontent, you probably need extra-strength meth or maybe toothless-grade fentanyl laced with bourbon and imported Chernobyl dust, but this Remdesiver stuff I’ve got is better.
Remdesiver, AKA LoseNoMore, makes you feel alive!
I should know. I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan and I feel great. America’s team! 1-3! Yay! With this stuff, I feel super young and strong again. It’s as if this Remdesiver, I mean LoseNoMore, came from the aborted fetal cells of the USFL. Ha, wouldn’t that be something!
At the beginning of this season, I was a loyal bleach user until I got hooked on Remdesiver after attending a nonjudgmental party at the White House with my Sneeze Club pals Cam Newton and the Tennessee Titans.
And now that Remdesiver has convinced me that the Dallas Cowboys are good, I’d like to tell New York Jets fans, Don’t be afraid of losing. Don’t let it dominate your life.
It’s not like you might die or anything.
Instead, I suggest that you do what I do. Change the subject.
Speaking of the 3-1 Cleveland Browns, let me point out that this year’s Cleveland Browns team is already the greatest football team in the history of the NFL. No team has accomplished more in a season than the Browns already have in four games.
The teams that the Browns beat have a combined record of 3-8-1. No team has ever faced more adversity. Ever!
And this week the Indianapolis Colts, cheered on by Mike Pence and his new pet fly, Skippy, will, in fact, fly to Cleveland to play against the Browns, a team that was chosen by God.
I know this because one of the members of my base (yes, I have a base, don’t you?), told me that I was chosen by God. I never found out what God chose me to do, so I chose to decide that God chose the Cleveland Browns too. I figure it takes pressure off of me.
And as I was saying about the Detroit Lions, they may want to try the REGN-COV2 cocktail, which is as fantastic. It’s incredible the way it worked and made me feel fetal young. The stuff is so good it makes me want to say things like LIBERATE MICHIGAN! Or Stand back and stand by.
It’s clear I was talking about the Detroit Lions when I said this, correct? No one would misinterpret it to mean kidnap the governor, would they?
Who would think that’s what’s gonna happen?
BEARS AT BUCCANEERS – Bears 20, Buccaneers 19
JAGUARS AT TEXANS – Texans 32, Jaguars 29
BENGALS AT RAVENS – Ravens 36. Bengals 14
RAMS AT WASHINGTON – Rams 30, Redskins 13
RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 36, Raiders24
EAGLES AT STEELERS – Steelers 40, Eagles 20
PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Panthers 28, Falcons 26
CARDINALS AT JETS – Cardinals 35, Jets 25
DOLPHINS AT 49ers – Dolphins 23, 49ers 20
GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 37, Giants 20
COLTS AT BROWNS – Browns 29, Colts 23
VIKINGS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 27, Vikings 22
BRONCOS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 30, Broncos 20
CHARGERS AT SAINTS – Chargers 33, Saints 25
BILLS AT TITANS – Bills 31, Titans 17