These Week 5 NFL Picks are focused exclusively on BULLSHIT. Well, that, finding dirt on Jimmy Garappolo (or, I guess, Joe Biden), and buying snakes for my new moat.
It would appear, to anyone not paying attention, that these Week 5 NFL Picks are focused on picking week 5 in the NFL. That would be wrong.
These Week 5 NFL Picks know nothing about football except that the Cleveland Browns are the best football team ever. Okay, these picks know nothing about football.
But I do know bullshit and snakes. Wait, I spelled that wrong. I believe that the spelling of BULLSHIT is now, by executive order, officially in all caps.
But I’m a rebel. Resist! I’m spelling ‘bullshit’ lower case. In either case, it is clearly a great word for schoolchildren.
So speaking of bullshit and snakes, I was watching Rex Ryan on TV the other day talking about how the thought of Rex Ryan being on TV is overrated. Well, I agree.
Which brings me to the New England Patriots, whose next opponent, the Washington Redskins, is composed entirely of ex-Trump White House staffers. That’s easily a 53-man roster/
I wish I could go to the game because I admit that I would pay to see Johnathon Jones make a legal hit, with no unnecessary roughness flag, on, say Sean Spicer.
Yes, I am advocating violence, as long as Sean Spicer joins an NFL team and goes out for a slant pattern. No, I don’t advocate unnecessary roughness. But some necessary roughness might be good for the soul.
Of course, as Prognosticator of the United States of America, I love both necessary and unnecessary roughness. Just don’t tell anyone, unless they’re in the Panhandle!
Meanwhile my extremely offensive coordinator and personal attorney, Rudy Giuliani, has told me that if I ever get accused of murder, the best way to prove that I am not a murderer is to immediately murder someone in front of the whole world, or at least on Fifth Avenue.
So, before all this BULLSHIT is over, as soon as you accuse me of murder, which I know is coming, that’s what’s gonna happen.
RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – The wizard coach in Los Angeles is only as good as his flawed quarterback. I’ll go with the better quarterback and flawed coach in Seattle. Seahawks 27, Rams 20
JAGUARS AT PANTHERS – Gardner Minshew, soon to star in a ‘Smokey & The Bandit’ reboot, versus Kyle Allen, soon to star (okay, not star) in an NFL Films video of his handoffs to Christian McCaffrey. Panthers 24, Jaguars 23
PATRIOTS AT REDSKINS – Bill Belichick coaches the game blindfolded with one arm tied behind his back. Tom Brady plays the game left-handed. Jonathan Kraft plays middle linebacker. Patriots 51, Redskins 0
BILLS AT TITANS – The Bills defense harassed Tom Brady last week, and Marcus Mariota is not Tom Brady. Bills 20, Titans 10
RAVENS AT STEELERS – The Ravens can’t stop anyone and a good defense can contain Lamar Jackson. The Steelers have a good defense and a rookie quarterback. My point is, I hate both these teams. Steelers 20, Ravens 17
CARDINALS AT BENGALS – Stephen King bases his next novel on this game. Bengals 9, Cardinals 6
FALCONS AT TEXANS – Deshaun Jackson will remain an elite quarterback until he is injured, which unfortunately is coming soon. Texans 26, Falcons 17
BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Yes, I am buying early season Jameis Winston, as long as I can sell later. Buccaneers 28, Saints 20
VIKINGS AT GIANTS – Kirk Cousins is not as bad as reports say. He is actually 100 percent mediocre, meaning he can have good games. This is one. Vikings 24, Giants14
BEARS AT RAIDERS AT LONDON – Kahlil Mack sacks Derek Carr as he gets off the plane in London. Over there, this is considered cheering for soccer, and since these guys play football, and the British call soccer football… Heathrow Airport is fair game. Bears 25, Raiders 10
JETS AT EAGLES – After this game, the Eagles get to pretend that they are a good team. Eagles 29, Jets 13
BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – John Elway’s Joe Flacco experiment is going as well as expected. Chargers 32, Broncos 12
PACKERS AT COWBOYS – The powerful Cowboys should win easy at home, right? What do I know? Less than everyone. Packers 24, Cowboys 20
COLTS AT CHIEFS – The poor version of Pat Mahomes is not quite as good as the flashy version of Jacoby Brissett. Actually, it’s not close, and they don’t really resemble each other. But this will be close for a while. Chiefs 40, Colts 23
BROWNS AT 49ers – This is going to be a barnburner. The Browns defense is a work in progress but the offense is starting to click. And a late win is just what Baker Mayfield needs. Browns 43, 49ers 41
BYE AT LIONS – No way they lose this week.
BYE AT DOLPHINS – Josh Rosen, who will be a Hall of Famer, can’t wait until the Dolphins trade him to the Patriots as Tom Brady’s successor, for a seventh round pick.