These Week 8 NFL Picks, having taken a bye last week because the Cleveland Browns had a bye (for most of the season so far, actually), would like you to get over it.
What the Browns give to me, I give back – a true quid pro quo, which is Latin for: Really, another stupid penalty?
As you know, if you’ve been following this column and not the fake news media with their phony standings, the Cleveland Browns are currently undefeated. They have not lost a game since 1999.
I was discussing this with my imaginary friends who are staying at the What’s Gonna Happen Resort Bar & Grill, located in the state of mind I was in when all of this happened.
That state is located next to Colorado. I can tell because I can see the wall.
Speaking of fake, you people and your phony emoluments clause would probably like the Miami Dolphins to win a game because you are afraid they will get a high draft pick for losing so much. Well, that’s how business works. When you go bankrupt, people reward you.
Any idiot would understand. Speaking of idiots, the other day I was looking in the mirror when it occurred to me that I had to go to the bathroom.
And that’s where I composed this tweet, a quid pro quo just for you, about What’s Gonna Happen.
REDSKINS AT VIKINGS – Kirk Cousins’ Hall Of Fame career lasted three games, but Vikings still win because the Redskins couldn’t beat, well, the Redskins. Vikings 31, Redskins 17
SEAHAWKS AT FALCONS – The mail truck arrives in Atlanta and picks up the season, as it has been mailed in. Seahawks 30, Falcons 13
BRONCOS AT COLTS – Quarterback genius guru John Elway is positioning himself to draft the fifth best quarterback, again and again and again. Because, why would Elway, just about the best prospect ever, want to draft someone rated highly? Colts 31, Broncos 14
BUCCANEERS AT TITANS – Ryan Tannehill moves to wide receiver on the second play of the game, and the magic of a Marriota-to-Tannehill connection begins. Titans 17, Buccaneers 10
CARDINALS AT SAINTS – Drew Brees is very rusty… for the first series. Saints 39, Cardinals 9
BENGALS AT RAMS – Cincinnati is moving to Kentucky after this game. Rams 37, Bengals 6
EAGLES AT BILLS – It turns out that Josh Allen is better than Carson Wentz. Bills 24, Eagles 20
CHARGERS AT BEARS – Mitch Trubisky throws four touchdown passes just to mess with people in Chicago. Bears 31, Chargers 24
GIANTS AT LIONS – Everyone in New York repeat after me… “Eli! Eli! Eli! Eli!” Lions 35, Giants 10
JETS AT JAGUARS – Sam Darnold is intercepted by the ghost of Jalen Ramsey, who comes back just for the occasion. Jaguars 26, Jets 13
PANTHERS AT 49ers – Kyle Allen outplays Jimmy Garoppolo. And Christian McCaffrey helps make the 49ers defense looks mortal. Panthers 20, 49ers 10
RAIDERS AT TEXANS – Deshaun Watson is playing well, and Jon Gruden is betting on next year because it will be easier to keep whatever happens in Las Vegas in Vegas. Texans 36, Raiders 19
BROWNS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots are 7-0 against a bunch of tomato cans. The Browns come into Foxboro disguised as a tomato can. It’s brilliant – like trojan horse brilliant. Freddie Kitchens outsmarts Bill Belichick. It could happen. More bourbon please. Browns 35, Patriots 31
PACKERS AT CHIEFS – When Andrew Yang warns of robots taking over the world, I believe he is warning about Aaron Rodgers. Packers 41, Chiefs 20
DOLPHINS AT STEELERS – As soon as the game begins, the Steelers wonder who are these guys that came their house dressed as NFL players. Steelers 20, Dolphins 3
BYE AT RAVENS – This may be audacious so early in his career, but Lamar Jackson may have a great enough career to get a statue in Baltimore, without even murdering anyone.
BYE AT COWBOYS – Urban Meyer comes to Jason Garrett’s house for Halloween dressed as Urban Meyer. He smiles and says, “Boo!”