As soon as word leaked that these Week 9 NFL Picks picked the Cleveland Browns to beat the New England Patriots during week 8 last week, I ordered that the evidence be moved to a secret server… under the ice cream in my freezer.
That’s where I keep the really tasty stuff. I’ve got Hillary Clinton’s server there too, but that’s for another day. Right now, I am concerned about only my sterling reputation as an NFL savant.
I mean, I can’t believe that anyone was listening to these Week 9 NFL picks picking week 8 in the NFL (it makes no sense for you to care what I said in the past, except in a witch hunt) but if you read the transcript you know they were perfect picks. They were beautiful.
And wrong is in the eye of the reader, according to my spokesperson. Sarah-Kellyanne Huckabee-Sanders-Conway.
She said that I was, in fact, mostly right. The Browns played the Patriots last week. I mean, I can’t believe people who oppose me think that’s not true.
Plus, and this is so important, there was no quid pro quo. I picked the Browns to win. They did not win. That is pure quid pro bite me, and nothing more. You’re going to impeach me on that?
But if you listen to Nancy Pelosi or Cleveland football writer Tony Grossi, I had no sense of urgency in my picks. So, it’s Sunday, and I just now giving you my Thursday night pick. So what? Jesus, Tony.
Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling dangerous. No, not really. But I did wake up. And that makes me dangerous, no? No?
Well, maybe you know What’s Gonna Happen.
49ers at CARDINALS – Jimmy G. throws four touchdown passes. Remember, you read it here first. 49ers 28, Cardinals 25
TEXANS AT JAGUARS – The two best quarterback stories in the league so far. Jaguars 24, Texans 20
BEARS AT EAGLES – The better very-flawed team wins. Eagles 22, Bears 19
COLTS AT STEELERS – Mike Tomlin’s team has turned a corner, but it’s still the wrong corner in the wrong part of town. Colts 24, Steelers 17
JETS AT DOLPHINS – The loser of the game should be forced to have Adam Gase as their coach until the next game between the two teams. Just call it the Adam Gase Bowl for the next ten years. Jets 6, Dolphins 5
VIKINGS AT CHIEFS – I am officially the last person on the Kirk Cousins bandwagon, which means it should empty out soon. But still, I’m now with him until I’m against him. Vikings 27, Chiefs 24
TITANS AT PANTHERS – Ryan Tannehill versus a good defense. Panthers 20, Titans 10
REDSKINS AT BILLS – Dwayne Haskins’ soon-to-be impressive career will last until Donald Trump’s out office, you know, in 12 more years. Redskins 23, Bills 19
BUCCANEERS AT SEAHAWKS – Jameis Winston is almost as good a quarterback for Seattle as Russell Wilson. Seahawks 27, Buccaneers 13
LIONS AT RAIDERS – The Raiders are at home and the Lions are the Lions. Raiders 23, Lions 17
PACKERS AT CHARGERS – If this game were in San Diego, the Chargers would have a chance. Packers 37, Chargers 20
BROWNS AT BRONCOS – It is time for Baker Mayfield to quit playing like an undersized quarterback who didn’t even get a college scholarship. Browns 37, Broncos 10
PATRIOTS AT RAVENS – This could be bumpy at first for the Patriots, but the defense is clicking and Tom Brady now has NFL receivers to throw to. Patriots 31, Ravens 17
COWBOYS AT GIANTS – The Giants defense makes Dak Prescott look like a star. Cowboys 33, Giants 13
BYE AT FALCONS – Dan Quinn takes a class on how to pull a knife from your back.
BYE AT BENGALS – Andy Dalton complains that the team never gave Marvin Lewis a fair shot.
BYE AT RAMS – Sean McVay tries to find a young Sean McVay type to help him.
BYE AT SAINTS – Teddy Bridewater shops for financial planners.