What's Gonna Happen

Tag: NFL Picks

Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks

Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks by the Outgoing First-Term Prognosticator Of The United States

Posted on by Nostradamus Light

Banned from Twitter for inciting the Cleveland Browns to storm the playoffs?!! 

This shall not stand. These Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks have taken over this column. This is my new platform.

The Browns record is 11-5, according to the fake media. All five losses were games stolen from the Browns. The system is rigged. Everyone knows that. In Pittsburgh, they used a Dominion scoreboard, designed last week by the late Chuck Knoll, who died in 2014.

Plus they’re trying to tell me the Browns lost to the Jets? Seriously? I mean, I can’t believe how corrupt my opponents are, and how deep this conspiracy goes. To the Jets! Imagine! The bookies didn’t think it was possible! Those are facts. Take that, media!

Four years ago, after I was elected in a landslide of 3 million less votes than my opponent, I took an oath of office to the American people to make NFL predictions every week. That is my job.

Since November, I have not done my job. That’s why I want to keep this job so badly.

I have fought to keep my job. You have fought too. Keep it up. We have only just begun.

As for my job. I don’t know what it is. I just want the job. I deserve the job. I am the best ever at this job, whatever it is that I am not doing right now.

Oh yeah, I predict NFL games. No one has ever done it better than me.

While almost any other NFL predictor gets 7 million more pageviews than me, I am the most popular NFL predictor by far. I have more pageviews by a landslide.

And so I say that the Cleveland Browns have got to show strength. They have to fight. It’s time to march into the playoffs, and take what is yours. 

Those playoffs have been there for decades acting like the Browns are not part of them. Like they don’t belong. Like they aren’t good enough.

Well, those playoffs belong to the Browns. They have been paying for them with their taxes – decades of idiot coaches, incompetent quarterbacks and sad, losing laughable seasons. 

And so the Browns understand that five games, not to mention home field advantage, were stolen from them. But now is the time to show strength. I say climb the wall into the playoffs. 

Obviously, walls don’t work.

So now I am going to issue a few pardons and executive orders. I hereby preemptively pardon all future Cleveland Browns penalties. And by executive order, the Browns win the Super Bowl. 

If it doesn’t happen, there is fraud. Fight!

It’s going to be fun for you for the next few days, with me in charge of the largest arsenal in world history and cornered like an animal, don’t you think? Go on, try to guess What’s Gonna Happen.

COLTS AT BILLS – Seeing the Buffalo Bills in the playoffs against Philip Rivers and the Indianpolis Colts coached by Frank Reich is like witnessing a break in the space-time continuum. Speaking of whiplash, the Colts should have it by the end of the day after what the Bills do to them. Bills 37, Colts 20

RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – This has all appearances of a game where the dominant defense has a chance to take over. While Jared Goff is no Roman Gabriel, the Rams defense has a fearsome twosome in Aaron Donald and Jalen Ramsey. So despite the cartoon helmet, go with the old-school Los Angeles Rams. Rams 29, Seahawks 17

BUCCANEERS AT WASHINGTON – There are Buccaneers in Washington… hmm. Something about this feels really familiar. Oh yeah, there was recent pillaging in the city. As for this game, it should go about like that, without the arrests. Tom Brady in a playoff game against a less talented team is going to be a riot. Buccaneers 42, Washington 23

RAVENS AT TITANS – Lamar Regular Season Jackson is not made for the playoffs, yet. Some year, he will go on a run. This in not that year. Derrick Henry spends this game visiting the condominium he built in the Ravens secondary during last year’s playoffs. He finds it to be roomy and comfortable. Titans 24, Ravens 20

BEARS AT SAINTS – Sad that Drew Brees career will end with a loss to the legendary Mitch Trubisky, but all things must end. And Trubisky, the mirage, gives the Bears a sudden option – keeping him at quarterback next year – that they really should avoid, but won’t. Bears 32, Saints 24

BROWNS AT STEELERS – To show unity, Browns and Steelers fans sing Kumbaya together before the game. Then for the next three hours they play the Midwest kids game of “You be Mason Rudolph and I’ll be Myles Garrett,” and then it’s straight back to Kumbaya. You know, as an example for America. Okay, football wise, Nick Chubb dominates. Beginning, middle and end of story. Browns 35, Steelers 25

This column is sponsored by the completely sane final days of Richard Nixon’s Presidency.

Week 5 NFL Picks By The Dealer Behind The White House Dumpster

Posted on by Nostradamus Light

These Week 5 NFL Picks, lurking behind the White House dumpster, would like to offer a free sample of Remdesiver, generic name LoseNoMore, to the the suffering, miserable New York Jets fan I found crying back here.

I know that if you are a Jets or Lions fan in this never-ending season of discontent, you probably need extra-strength meth or maybe toothless-grade fentanyl laced with bourbon and imported Chernobyl dust, but this Remdesiver stuff I’ve got is better. 

Remdesiver, AKA LoseNoMore, makes you feel alive!

Week 5 NFL Picks
Week 5 NFL Picks

I should know. I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan and I feel great. America’s team! 1-3! Yay! With this stuff, I feel super young and strong again. It’s as if this Remdesiver, I mean LoseNoMore, came from the aborted fetal cells of the USFL. Ha, wouldn’t that be something!

At the beginning of this season, I was a loyal bleach user until I got hooked on Remdesiver after attending a nonjudgmental party at the White House with my Sneeze Club pals Cam Newton and the Tennessee Titans.

And now that Remdesiver has convinced me that the Dallas Cowboys are good, I’d like to tell New York Jets fans, Don’t be afraid of losing. Don’t let it dominate your life.

It’s not like you might die or anything.

Instead, I suggest that you do what I do. Change the subject.

Speaking of the 3-1 Cleveland Browns, let me point out that this year’s Cleveland Browns team is already the greatest football team in the history of the NFL. No team has accomplished more in a season than the Browns already have in four games.

The teams that the Browns beat have a combined record of 3-8-1. No team has ever faced more adversity. Ever!

And this week the Indianapolis Colts, cheered on by Mike Pence and his new pet fly, Skippy, will, in fact, fly to Cleveland to play against the Browns, a team that was chosen by God.

I know this because one of the members of my base (yes, I have a base, don’t you?),  told me that I was chosen by God. I never found out what God chose me to do, so I chose to decide that God chose the Cleveland Browns too. I figure it takes pressure off of me.

And as I was saying about the Detroit Lions, they may want to try the REGN-COV2 cocktail, which is as fantastic. It’s incredible the way it worked and made me feel fetal young. The stuff is so good it makes me want to say things like LIBERATE MICHIGAN! Or Stand back and stand by.

It’s clear I was talking about the Detroit Lions when I said this, correct? No one would misinterpret it to mean kidnap the governor, would they?

Nah.

Who would think that’s what’s gonna happen?

BEARS AT BUCCANEERS – Bears 20, Buccaneers 19

JAGUARS AT TEXANS – Texans 32, Jaguars 29

BENGALS AT RAVENS – Ravens 36. Bengals 14

RAMS AT WASHINGTON – Rams 30, Redskins 13

RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 36, Raiders24

EAGLES AT STEELERS – Steelers 40, Eagles 20

PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Panthers 28, Falcons 26

CARDINALS AT JETS – Cardinals 35, Jets 25

DOLPHINS AT 49ers – Dolphins 23, 49ers 20

GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 37, Giants 20

COLTS AT BROWNS – Browns 29, Colts 23

VIKINGS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 27, Vikings 22

BRONCOS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 30, Broncos 20

CHARGERS AT SAINTS – Chargers 33, Saints 25

BILLS AT TITANS – Bills 31, Titans 17

This column is sponsored by Fear Itself.

Week 1 NFL Picks, Congratulations To Poland (& The Dolphins!)

Posted on by Nostradamus Light

When I was was first running for Prognisticator of the United States of America, I promised that my 2019  Week 1 NFL picks would be used to congratulate Poland for getting invaded by Nazis.

Promise kept.

Winning in week 1 in the NFL is like getting elected once. Crazy stuff can happen. So Russia, if you are listening, winning in the playoffs is like having a plan to get re-elected.  Yeah. Anyway, congratulations Poland! 

Now I’d like to congratulate the Miami Dolphins for building a wall between themselves and NFL credibility. Believe me, I know something about walls and credibility. It’s incredible, isn’t it? 

What's Gonna Happen

Talk about incredible, I hear that a bunch of loser teams are looking at Week 1 in the NFL and thinking they’ve got a chance because the crooked media tells them so.

The fake and corrupt so-called news have gone totally CRAZY over the Cleveland Browns, as if they invented the color orange.

This ridiculous swooning over a team that hasn’t won anything since the Beatles released their first album in America, and way before The Apprentice ever started, has me scared because that’s how hype works.

If you make enough people believe in a fable, such as the Cleveland Browns seem to be doing, it can come true. I know. I draw with sharpies on hurricane maps. I can change the course of nature. I move hurricanes. I start fires.

Which brings me back to congratulating the Miami Dolphins for engaging in a trade war by trading away all their players and declaring a war on their fans. Just the thought of it makes my cold, empty heart beat extra fast while it pumps the diet Pepsi and cheeseburger grease that is my lifeblood.

And Bill O’Brien of the Houston Texans might be even crazier than the Dolphins. I totally love it. He’s all in, thinking only of now, right now. Unlike Stupid Bill Clinton and Hillary (lock her up, not me!), who didn’t stop thinking about tomorrow, I never start thinking about tomorrow, Well, except the next election.

And did I mention Russia, if you are listening, keep doing what you are doing because I’d hate to have to congratulate you, and, believe me, it would be disastrous if you ever congratulated me.  So that’s what’s gonna happen.

PACKERS AT BEARS – Aaron Rodgers calls an audible, “win,” and it works. Packers 27, Bears 19

BILLS AT JETS – The hype is real. The Josh Allen hype. Gregg Williams defense? Not so much. Bills 30

RAVENS AT DOLPHINS – Even on this high school team, Ryan Fitzpatrick has one week of Fitzmagic in him. He’s going to need to do it early while he can walk. Dolphins 31, Ravens 13

CHIEFS AT JAGUARS – The Chiefs are projected by many to go to the Super Bowl. For one week, Nick Foles reminds everyone that he won one. Jaguars 31, Chiefs 29

TITANS AT BROWNS – There is a new world order. Browns 52, Titans 3

REDSKINS AT EAGLES – Carson Wentz is what I think he is, better than mediocre but less than excellent. Eagles 27, Redskins 17

FALCONS AT VIKINGS – Kurt Cousin has a few good games in him every year. This is one. Vikings 24, Falcons 20

RAMS AT PANTHERS – The Rams are not playing the Patriots, so they remember how to score. Rams 32, Panthers 20

COLTS AT CHARGERS – Construction has begun on the Jacoby Brissett statue. Colts 20, Chargers 19

BENGALS AT SEAHAWKS – Jadveon Clowney has 3 sacks, a forced fumble and an interception return for a touchdown. Seahawks 39, Bengals 10

LIONS AT CARDINALS – This is not college football. Oh wait, the Lions are coached by Matt Patricia. Cardinals 28, Lions 22

GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Saquon Barkley plays twice as well as Ezekial Elliot, who uses his money to hire an assistant to carry the ball for him. But Eli Manning is still the quarterback. Cowboys 24, Giants 17

49ers AT BUCCANEERS – Two quarterbacks that have the potential to be the best in the league or out of the league in two years. Pick em’, says Vegas. Buccaneers 29, 49ers 10

STEELERS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots are loaded and if Josh Gordon plays anywhere near his peak (the closest thing I have ever seen to Jerry Rice), this may not be fair to the rest of the NFL. Patriots 36, Steelers 23

TEXANS AT SAINTS – This will be the low point of the season for the Saints, and the high point for the Texans. It is called week 1 for a reason. Texans 33, Saints 24

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – Jon Gruden gets his old job back and announces the game while he coaches the game. It shows. Broncos 27, Raiders 9

This column is sponsored by Jimmy Lamestream – owner of the Lamestream media

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2019 NFL Season Picks By President Trump At A MAGA Rally

Posted on by Nostradamus Light

So you got on the Trump-sponsored hot tub time machine from 1852 in Covfefe, Mississippi to come to my 2019 NFL predictions rally to make America great again, huh?

What's Gonna Happen

You are my kind of people – very stable geniuses who travel through time to hear me talk about the NFL and Hillary Clinton.

Look, I am friends with a lot of NFL owners. You know what they own, right?

Loud cheers.

You, in your coal-powered tin foil hats, understand then why I am bigly proud to be making my 2019 NFL predictions standing next to this fantastic statue of General Robert E. Lee, one of America’s greatest generals. General Lee loved America like I love America. People say that all the time.

Louder cheers.

Before I get to my beautiful 2019 NFL season picks, let me say that there are good people on both sides of the line of scrimmage. But those wearing orange on their head obviously hate America. Hate it! Only I can be orange because I am the chosen one. My Secretary of State, Captain Queeg, tells me that all the time.

The Cleveland Browns are invaders coming across the line of scrimmage into my territory. Sure, they are popular and I usually like popular things, but they can’t replace my New England Patriots as the best. I like Tom Brady and Robert Kraft. I don’t like Hillary Clinton, okay? 

As for some of the other teams in the NFL… what actually is that thing they wear on their heads? What religion is that? The Baltimore Ravens? Have you been to Baltimore. It’s infested with rats… ratbirds… Ravens. Disgusting! 

So do you remember 2016? I couldn’t win, right? I was the Cleveland Browns of the election. Well, ha. Who’s laughing now? Actually, that’s the evil cackle of my supporters you hear. As one of my wives, I can’t recall her name, always says to me, “I don’t really care, do you?”

I love the cheering.

You are welcome, America. And by America, you know which states I am talking about, and which people in those states I am talking about – right?

But I digress. Ha. Yes I do. It’s my thing and over and over again that’s what’s gonna happen.

AFC

EAST

PATRIOTS – I hereby order the Marines and Kim Jong Un to work together to protect Tom Brady. Tom likes visiting the White House because it is the only time he gets to eat his favorite food; several cold Big Macs. 12-4

JETS – Russia, if you’re listening, the Jets are a New York team. Trump Tower is in New York. You can get to New York on a jet. Russia? Russia? Bueller? Mueller? 9-7

BILLS –  Buffalo is in Canada, which is our enemy. And Josh Allen is the Anthony Scaramucci of Steve Youngs. 5-11

DOLPHINS – My staff of illegal immigrant dishwashers at Mara-Lago could beat the Dolphins. 2-14

NORTH

BROWNS – I hate the Browns because of the orange on their heads and because they are actually going to be great again, but mostly because of the name, Browns. On the bright side, I guess, they wear white jerseys a lot. 16-0

BENGALS – They finally got rid of Marvin Lewis. Melania is my personal Marvin Lewis. Her and this stupid job, which I am never ever leaving. 9-7

RAVENS – Have you been to Baltimore? I haven’t. 5-11

STEELERS – Big Ben treats women even better than I do. But those women don’t catch his passes like Antonio Brown used to. As for Steelers fans… some, I assume, are good people. 4-12

SOUTH

TEXANS – I love El Paso, where the Houston Texans play. It doesn’t matter what I say in Texas, does it? 11-5

JAGUARS – My favorite dimwitted son, Donald Trump Jr., will take my advice and buy the Jaguars, move them to Greenland, and then rename them the Greenland Oilers. 6-10

TITANS – Remember the Titans? No. 7-9

COLTS – Andrew Luck did not want to retire. I hereby ordered him to retire. That’s how it works, okay? 2-14

WEST

CHIEFS – Last year, the Chiefs were so good they won 35 games, but the fake news will not report that. I just did. 12-4

BRONCOS – Joe Flacco is the Anthony Scaramucci of old Peyton Mannings. 9-7

CHARGERS – If Phillip Rivers keeps having children I can win California in 2036, which may be the year the Chargers win a Super Bowl. 7-9

RAIDERS – As a guy who’s suffered from bone spurs, I sympathize with Antonio Brown’s foot issues, but crazy Jon Gruden will make this team so bad I bet it’s in Las Vegas next year. 1-15

NFC

EAST

GIANTS – I never called Dave Gettelman the enemy of the people. That is more fake news. 11-5

COWBOYS – Jerry Jones is paying for the wall to keep his players out of Cabo. 9-7

EAGLES – In my mind, which means it really happened to all of you, I held a rally at Paddy’s Bar and I can tell you it’s never sunny in Philadelphia. 8-8

REDSKINS – I love how Washington D.C. has taxation without representation, which is the same as cheering for the Redskins with Daniel Snyder as owner. 3-13

NORTH

BEARS – I like to say “Da Bears.” Remember when Saturday Night Live was good? Oh, I digress. 11-5

VIKINGS – Ilhan Omar knows so little about America that she is from a place that thinks Kurt Cousins is good. 8-8

PACKERS – The Packers are not owned by a billionaire but by “people” Sad! 7-9 

LIONS – Matt Patricia will want to hide after this season but he should definitely not change his name to Patricia Matt or I will not let him in the military when he is looking for a job. 3-13

SOUTH

SAINTS – Everyone says Drew Brees is washed up. Everyone said I would lose in 2016. Everyone says I am a racist. Some things everyone says are true, some are not. 14-2

FALCONS – Lindsay Graham hates the Falcons, so I am picking them to be good. 11-5

BUCANEERS – I liked Jameis Winston when he was standing on tables and yelling, but that’s just me. Really, it’s just me. 7-9

PANTHERS – I like quarterbacks who don’t get injured, okay? 4-12

WEST

SEAHAWKS – I like loyalty and I like teams that give Super Bowls to the Patriots, okay? 13-3  

49ers – San Francisco is a sanctuary city for quarterbacks. I am trying to change that but the liberal NFL rules won’t let me. 10–6

RAMS – I like visiting Los Angeles so I can go on Access Hollywood but the Rams Super Bowl hopes will disappear even faster than my last visit to that show. 7-9

CARDINALS – Joe Arpaio, who will soon have his face on money, designed the strategy for the Cardinals who find themselves in a harsh pink underwear prison. 2-14

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP

SAINTS OVER SEAHAWKS 

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP

BROWNS OVER PATRIOTS

SUPERBOWL

BROWNS OVER SAINTS 

** This column is sponsored by a video of Colin Kaepernick watching Jay Z count money. **

(I have been writing this column predicting the Cleveland Browns to go undefeated and win the Super Bowl for more than two decades, including during the three years that the franchise did not exist. I have never believed one word I have ever written. This year is different. I can find several words. Baker Mayfield. Myles Garrett. Nick Chubb. Odell Beckham Jr. In that order.)