What’s Gonna Happen

These week 4 NFL picks, having tested positive for an inability to comprehend basic facts, admit that last week I thought the Baltimore Ravens could beat the Kansas City Chiefs. Nevertheless, I am proud, boy.

Thus, I am standing back and standing by. These are, after all, the only two things that I know how to do as a Cleveland Browns fan.

Yes, I am a Cleveland Browns fan. For that, I am, as I said, proud, boy.

And as a Browns fan, I learned long ago how to stand back and watch other teams win, and to stand by waiting for my team’s turn that never comes. Stand back and stand by? I’ve been doing it for decades.

But now I am especially proud, boy. It’s true. When I picked the Cleveland Browns to win last week and then they won, I thought to myself, Boy, I am proud. I’m proud, boy.

This is how I talk to myself.

Except sometimes when I just say to myself, Will you shut up, man?

Anyway, while I have been standing back and standing by, on the President’s explicit directions, I learned a new NFL rule while watching the recent political debate: a 2-minute warning is really a 3-or-so-minute warning, depending on how belligerent and immature I am willing to act.

So like a Jets fan watching the pathetic Jets stick with Adam Gase as coach, I can be incredibly belligerent and immature. 

And now I am at Walter Reed Medical Hospital being treated with an experimental infusion of facts and reality. Doctors tell me my body is rejecting them as completely foreign to my system. So I think I have to stay here for the next few days. 

But don’t worry about me. This fact-resistant virus that I have is probably just a hoax. It will disappear, like a miracle. Or maybe I will.

I am pretty sure, just like the Cleveland Browns, I am going to be cured before November and prove, once and for all, that this disease is nothing but the flu. Almost like the whole thing was staged.

So for your sake and the sake of the Cleveland Browns, I’m proud, boy, to predict that I’m going to get better.

And with a wish that that democracy, not a disease, makes a leadership decision in an overwhelming way, I hope that’s what’s gonna happen. 

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BRONCOS AT JETS – Broncos 37, Jets 28

CARDINALS AT PANTHERS – Cardinals 30, Panthers 17

COLTS AT BEARS – Bears 27, Colts 23

JAGUARS AT BENGALS – Jaguars 30, Bengals 29

BROWNS AT COWBOYS – Browns 50, Cowboys 48

SAINTS AT LIONS – Saints 32, Lions 31

VIKING AT TEXANS – Texans 35, Vikings 25

SEAHAWKS AT DOLPHINS – Seahawks 33, Dolphins 21

STEELERS AT TITANS – Steelers 0, Titans 0, Covid 19

CHARGERS AT BUCCANERS – Buccaneers 29, Chargers 19

RAVENS AT WASHINGTON – Ravens 37, Washington 17

GIANTS AT RAMS – Rams 51, Giants 3

PATRIOTS AT CHIEFS – Patriots 10, Chiefs 7

BILLS AT RAIDERS – Raiders 26, Bills 16

EAGLES AT 49ers – 49ers 34, Eagles 13

FALCONS AT PACKERS – Packers 36, Falcons 29

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This column is sponsored by “Pillow Talk With Kimberly Guilfoyle,” evenings during family hour on FOX

Of course I will not let Joe Biden walk “peacefully” into my sidewalk cardboard box covered in white bird poop (I call it The White House), and take over as Prognosticator of the United States Of America.

If the Cleveland Browns do not win the Super Bowl, I will not accept the results. Why would I? If the Browns do not become champions, the system is rigged. It’s really obvious. 

Look, I will believe the system is fair when the Browns win the Super Bowl. So we’re going to have to see what happens.

I also don’t accept your “opinion” that the Browns lost to the Ravens in week 1. There are two sides to every story. The lying media with their made up facts and game scores refuses to tell you that. I believe the Cleveland Browns are currently 2-0. Many people are saying so. I just said so.

So we’re going to get rid of the game scores and then you can tell Joe Biden that, frankly, there won’t be a transfer of power, there will be a continuation. Sort of like when Bill Belichick replaced Tom Brady with Cam Newton without worry. 

I believe a new Supreme Court Referee who sometimes speaks in tongues at church can fix this problem with game scores, and this is why I nominate Amy Coney Barrett to this important position. She should be able to find some obscure enough language to make the Browns win the Super Bowl.

It may be crazy. On the other hand, maybe thoughts and prayer will finally work. Yeah right. That’s exactly what’s gonna happen.

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DOLPHINS AT JAGUARS – Dolphins 31, Jaguars 13

RAMS AT BILLS – Rams 30, Bills 20

TEXANS AT STEELERS – Steelers 34, Texans 20

RAIDERS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 24, Raiders 23

TITANS AT VIKINGS – Vikings 24, Titans 20

WASHINGTON AT BROWNS – Browns 27, Washington 13

BENGALS AT EAGLES – Bengals 33, Eagles 28

49ers AT GIANTS – 49ers 20, Giants 14

BEARS AT FALCONS – Falcons 24, Bears 13

PANTHERS AT CHARGERS – Panthers 30, Chargers 28

JETS AT COLTS – Colts 31, Jets 11

COWBOYS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 38, Cowboys 24

LIONS AT CARDINALS – Cardinals 34, Lions 31

BUCCANEERS AT BRONCOS – Buccaneers 27, Broncos 17

PACKERS AT SAINTS – Packers 35, Saints 25

CHIEFS AT RAVENS – Ravens 32, Chiefs 30

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This column is sponsored by Justice Colin Kaepernick, sure to be appointed on President Joe Biden’s first day.

These Week 2 NFL Picks, under newly mandated Federal herd mentality rules, have just received my marching orders from George Soros, Cleveland Browns fan.

As a high-powered card-carrying member of the lamestream media, I do not think for myself. It is not allowed by George Soros, who last week ordered me to pick the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

I don’t even go to the bathroom without George Soros’ approval. And he always asks, “Number 1 or number 2?” I think he has assigned Bill Gates to keep a spreadsheet of this important information at the Geneva, Ohio headquarters of the Deep State.

But I don’t mind. Look at all this power I have that George Soros really has. Impressive, huh?

So while I stare at my mailbox waiting anxiously for my George Soros check to arrive, I would like you to know that it was George Soros, not me, who picked the Detroit Lions to win last week. It is not something I would ever do. Just the thought of it had me preparing for an armed insurrection. Well, everything does nowadays.

I actually don’t believe in anything that George Soros does. He just pays well, or so I am told by Rush Limbaugh, Mike Ditka and Newt Gingrich.

For instance, last week I was in California raking leaves in a forest because I know that is the very best way to prevent catastrophic forest fires. George Soros may worry about global warming but I am petrified of exploding trees.

Then the call went out to members of the lamestream media: Save the reputation of the Cleveland Browns.

One thing George Soros and I both agree on is that the Cleveland Browns are the greatest team in the history of football.

While I said that last week’s 38-6 loss by the Cleveland Browns was actually a great success, George Soros thinks that the Cleveland Browns are a disenfranchised long-suffering minority that needs the support of an empathetic society.

The truth, as I have recently learned from Newt Gingrich and his friends, is that this column has been getting these orders from George Soros for 20 years.

For 20 years, this column, in various forms and places, has predicted the Cleveland Browns would win the Super Bowl. The Cleveland Browns have won the Super Bowl. The Cleveland Browns have never even been to the Super Bowl.

And so, dear reader, please understand that whenever I am wrong, it was not me. It was George Soros.

As I continue to stare hopefully at my mailbox, it should be clear to you by now that this column was written by George Soros. He’s the guy, not me, who knows exactly what’s gonna happen.

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BENGALS AT BROWNS – Browns 35 Bengals 30

JAGUARS AT TITANS – Jaguars 24, Titans 17

LIONS AT PACKERS – Packers 35, Lions 23

RAMS AT EAGLES – Rams 30, Eagles 20

GIANTS AT BEARS – Bears 23, Giants 20

49ers AT JETS – 49ers 27, Jets 13

BRONCOS AT STEELERS – Steelers 31, Broncos 14

VIKINGS AT COLTS – Vikings 30, Colts 20

PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – Panthers 23, Buccaneers 19

BILLS AT DOLPHINS – Dolphins 23, Bills 13

FALCONS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 33, Falcons 20

WASHINGTON AT CARDINALS – Washington 20, Cardinals 13

RAVENS AT TEXANS – Ravens 31, Texans 17

CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Chiefs 32, Chargers 12

PATRIOTS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 29, Patriots 17

SAINTS AT RAIDERS – Saints 30, Raiders 20

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This column is sponsored by Masks & Lungs, at the corner of Logic Street & Staying Alive Avenue.

As I was telling my trusted loyal friend, Bob Woodward, I had literally no idea what I was doing when I made these Week 1 NFL Picks.

As I told the American people, these week 1 NFL picks are a lock. I encourage you to bet your life on these week 1 NFL picks.

I also told Woodward that the American people will never know that I secretly ordered my secretary of the Environment, a man I call Exxon Valdez, to make the sky glow orange all over the West Coast because I like the color of the Cleveland Browns helmet.

I am in power, I can do whatever I want. And face it, how many people can I shoot on Fifth Avenue before it just gets boring? Okay, 190,000 seems to be the number, but… ah, I can keep going. It is my thing, after all. History will say so.

Anyway, I was talking to Roger Goodell about how sad it is that he only makes $40 million a year, and I may have mentioned a Russian bank in case he needed a loan. Anyway, in a couple of years I think the the San Francisco 49ers will move to Moscow and play under the name, the Moscow McConnells. 

For now, it is NFL season and I need a way to distract people from, well, you know, everything. First let me just say five things my doctor suggested I memorize for my own happiness and sense of self worth: person, man, woman, camera, TV. No wait, that’s not it.

Look, I have a lot of complicated lists in my head. Only I could do what I am doing here. Okay, here’s the list: Baker Mayfield, Nick Chubb, Odell Beckham Jr. Myles Garrett, Jarvis Landry. 

I say these words because I am the Prognosticator of the United States of only Cleveland Browns fans. I have memorized the words. In order!

Therefore, as a certified Very Stable Genius, I declare the Cleveland Browns will win today. My logic is as perfect as my new bleach-based vaccine, coming very soon to a gun store near you.

And that’s what’s gonna happen.

TEXANS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 34, Texans 20

RAIDERS AT PANTHERS – Raiders 35, Panthers 25

COLTS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 27, Colts 26

DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – Dolphins 30, Patriots 17

EAGLES AT WASHINGTON – Eagles 27, Washington 17

SEAHAWKS AT FALCONS – Seahawks 30, Falcons 20

PACKERS AT VIKINGS – Packers 28, Vikings 17

JETS AT BILLS – Bills 26, Jets 14

BROWNS AT RAVENS – Browns 45, Ravens 17

BEARS AT LIONS – Lions 30, Bears 20

CHARGERS AT BENGALS – Bengals 24, Chargers 9

CARDINALS AT 49ers – Cardinals 17, 49ers 16

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Buccaneers 35, Saints 34

COWBOYS AT RAMS – Rams 21, Cowboys 17

STEELERS AT GIANTS – Steelers 30, Gians 17

TITANS AT BRONCOS – Titans 31, Broncos 21

This column is sponsored by Dancing In The Street.

As I sit upon my golden throne, processing Big Macs, composing mean tweets and contemplating yesterday’s golf game, it is time for me, the Prognosticator of the United States of America, to reveal my 2020 NFL season picks. BAKER MAYFIELD!

This year, joining my longtime Secretary Of Winning, Hue Jackson, are my two new assistants, Dr. Anthony Faucci and Jimmy QAnon, or ‘True’ & ‘False’ as my disloyal staff calls them. These NFL picks, like my speeches, give you a bit of both.

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For instance, this NFL season will be played in its entirety, with each team playing 16 games. That’s true or false, right?

So as Prognosticator of 40 percent of the USA (and frankly, most of them are losers without money), let me begin with…ah, ah, ah, choo!

LAW & ORDER! CAPITAL LETTERS!

Sure, there are three Vietnams worth of Covid-19 casualties on my watch. And yes, Tom Brady is in Tampa. Look, it is what it is. At least Herman Cain is still tweeting and my military people never get injured or killed like they did in that loser bone spur of a war, Vietnam.

Let’s talk alien DNA, demon sperm and bleach. What I mean is let’s talk about the Pittsburgh Steelers. What I mean is, have you tried hydroxychloroquine. It’s as good as Adderall!

DISTRACTION! I am protecting the suburban lifestyle dream of Karen-in-a-pink-jersey in places like Frorida, Yo-Semites National Park, and Thigh-Land. I love Thigh-Land and the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders!

My fellow Americans, You came here for 2020 NFL season picks but the fascist socialists led by Joe Biden would rather every team get a participation trophy of a BLM facemask engraved with Colin Kaepernick’s signature.

Not me. I love the American flag and rigged competition (and Bill Belichick) and the word “rigged.” My beautiful flag that I have mandated to be flown on the back of every big pickup truck in America now represents only 40 percent of the American people, and that’s enough for me.

I represent real Americans, like Daniel Snyder, owner of the Washington football team with the super cool racist name that I want to say a whole bunch of times while my supporters shoot guns and tell native Americans to go back to where they came from.

BOWEL MOVEMENT! Okay, my business in the White House is finished for the day.

Final thought: As this season progresses, you can do all the regular math from Harvard, MIT, or even your stupid state university, but just remember that when the Cleveland Browns win every week, I’m using Electoral College Math, where 63 million is more than 66 million. My old high school buddy, Joe Shapiro, taught it to me. 

But back to my golf game. On that last hole, my partner, The My Pillow Guy, missed a three-foot putt. I guess he choked, just like a cop with a gun wrongfully killing someone. Very similar.

I’d like to wish Ghislaine Maxwell and Jerry Falwell Jr. well. Can I get an Amen from my evangelical supporters?

Speaking of evangelicals, this season has about a prayer’s chance of playing every game on time. I wish it was fake news, but that’s what’s gonna happen.

AFC

EAST

BILLS – Josh Allen is big and that’s worth eight wins. His arm is worth eight losses. 8-8

DOLPHINS – Tua Tagovailoa will be really good as soon as I remember how to spell his name, and this is actually a fair timeline. 7-9

JETS – Sam Darnold sees the ghost of his career. 5-11

PATRIOTS – Cam Newton is roughly the same size as Trevor Lawrence will be. 2-14

NORTH

BROWNS –  Year one of a dyansty, and this tequila is great. 16-0

STEELERS  – Big Ben is back and the Steelers did not forget how to lose. 12-4

RAVENS – Lamar Jackson will be MVP-like in half the games. 8-8

BENGALS – Joe Burrow cannot do it all by himself. 4-12

SOUTH

TEXANS – All five losses will be traced to Bill O’Brien. 11-5

TITANS –  By the way, Ryan Tannehill is who we think he is. 8-8

COLTS – Philip Rivers is old and two times zones off. 7-9

JAGUARS – In this tank, we will never know what Gardner Minshew could have been. 3-13

WEST

CHIEFS – Patrick Mahomes stars as Patrick Mahomes in the Marvel superhero movie, ‘Patrick Mahomes.’ 12-5

BRONCOS – Drew Lock will play just well enough to make John Elway think again he has found a quarterback. 9 – 7

RAIDERS –  Raiders finish .500 because you never beat the house in Vegas. 8-8

CHARGERS – Tyrod Taylor is one more Hue Jackson season away from immortality. 3-13

NFC

EAST

COWBOYS – Jerry Jones has a freezer full of body parts at Cowboys Stadium in case he needs a random transplant at halftime of a game. 12-4

EAGLES – Years from now, dumbfounded people will say things like, “Someone once voted for Carson Wentz for MVP?” 8-8

GIANTS – Saquon Barkley is fun to watch. The Giants are not. 7-9

WASHINGTON – Daniel Snyder is sued by his own eyeballs for the gross things he makes them see. 4-12

NORTH

VIKINGS – Kirk Cousins would like you to know that if he dies, he dies.11-5

PACKERS – Insurance salesman Aaron Rodgers is now dating Flo, insurance sales lady for a competing company. 10-6 

LIONS –  Matt Patricia talks to a portrait of Bill Belichick after ever loss, sort of like Nixon used to talk to portraits of dead presidents. 7-9

BEARS – Mitch Trubisky has Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson on his fantasy team. 4-12

SOUTH

SAINTS – Drew Brees kneels, stands, salutes, and the dances like a ballerina during the National Anthem. 10-6

BUCCANEERS – Just to taunt New England fans, Tom Brady shouts, “Foxboro!” before every play the way Peyton Manning used to yell out, “Omaha!”10-6

PANTHERS – Teddy Bridgewater is great until he is hurt again, and I hope I am wrong. 6-10

FALCONS – Turn the page. 5-11

WEST

SEAHAWKS – Josh Gordon finds a new legal marijuana store and plays like he did a half decade ago. 13-3  

CARDINALS – Year two and no one figures out Kyle Murray yet. 9-7

RAMS – Everybody wanted a Sean McVay type until he began to stand for “mediocre. ”8-8

49ers – Jimmy Garrapolo, AKA Just A Guy. 6-10

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NFC CHAMPIONSHIP

BUCCANEERS OVER SEAHAWKS  

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP

BROWNS OVER CHIEFS 

SUPERBOWL

BROWNS OVER BUCCANEERS 

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This column is sponsored by The Committee To Re-Elect Dunning-Kruger.

I will give you my Super Bowl 54 prediction very soon. I would like you to do me a favor, though.

Act like this makes sense.

Anyway, I take this Super Bowl 54 prediction super seriously. That’s why I just ate a fortune cookie. 

Of course I weigh things carefully – the same as, say, a United States Republican Senator acting as a juror in an impeachment trial. 

In other words, I have made up my mind and I am willing to cite almost anything as evidence of why I decided as I have.

All information is important, even if I ate it and it disappeared. I would never conduct a cover up. I instead call this a belly full.

So let me tell you how we got here:

Late last summer, I visited a green-eyed fortune teller named Jimmy Nostradumus.

Jimmy was not just a fortune teller. He also knew how to reach dead people. He has a special phone book, I think.

When I walked in, his green eyes seemed to know that I would give him all my money and then he would help me get in touch with my late Uncle Fred, who I miss greatly – but never actually existed.

Uncle Fred, through Jimmy, told me that I should remember the old neighborhood and pick the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl. I think I wore a Cleveland Browns shirt to visit this amazing fortune teller, who somehow knew I like the Cleveland Browns. 

This is why I am predicting the Cleveland Browns to win Super Bowl 54. Because of my late imaginary Uncle Fred. 

This is perfectly logical, and I have obviously cited credible evidence. Believe what you want. But if you are fair & balanced, you will certainly consider this theory on equal ground with facts.

But if you want to believe the hoax that Super Bowl 54 can only be won by Kansas City Chiefs or San Francisco 49ers, I cannot account for, nor do I understand, your liberal bias.

Sure, I know that the Cleveland Browns are not playing in the Super Bowl. Uncle Fred, from way beyond the grave, says that is irrelevant.

“I’ve been watching America since I died,” said Fred. “No one cares about facts. What do you feel should happen?”

So, directly from Uncle Fred – his words, not mine – here is what’s gonna happen.

Pregame – The Fox & Friends Group interviews President Trump while he sits on their couch and they take turns shining his shoes. He says the Chiefs will win because the 49ers are represented by Nancy Pelosi. A soon-to-be-bankrupt company watches all of its money disappear in 60 seconds of a commercial no one will ever remember.

Coin Flip – The NFL decides to use a bitcoin but the blockchain gets hacked by the New England Patriots video department, which claims to be innocently working on a light feature about NFL referees and the coin flip and blockchain hackers. Eventually, the replay booth rules (many say, erroneously) that the Chiefs won the toss. They defer.

First Quarter – Raheem Mostert picks up right where he left off, running for 40 yards on the first drive. Jimmy Garrapolo finishes it with a touchdown throw to George Kittle. And Baker Mayfield, who has been taking care of the facilities at all 32 NFL Stadiums this year instead of studying his playbook, somehow sneaks in for a touchdown during an instant replay review. 49ers 7, Chiefs 0 (Browns 7)

Second Quarter – Troy Aikman spends a lot of time talking about Baker Mayfield’s touchdown while the 49ers drive down the field and score twice on Raheem Mostert runs. Neither the Chiefs nor Baker Mayfield scores in the second quarter. Troy Aikman speculates that Mayfield is fixing the toilets in the lower level concourse. 49ers 21, Chiefs 0 (Browns 7)

Halftime – Jenny from the block sings songs and is joined by her backup singer, John Bolton, who really sings. Donald Trump tweets, “Horrible voice,  can’t even follow the lyrics I gave him. Thumbs down! Embarrassing!” With that, Trump loses the Jenny from the block block of voters.

Third quarter – The Chiefs show slight signs of life and get a field goal. But Raheem Morris tops 200 yards in the third quarter and scores his third touchdown of the game. Meanwhile Baker Mayfield is somehow sacked for a loss on third and eight. But he repaints the yard lines and it turns out he was sacked for a nine-yard gain. “That kid has moxie,” says Joe Buck. But the drive stalls when his wife wants coffee. 49ers 28, Chiefs 3 (Browns 7)

Fourth Quarter – Kyle Shanahan is feeling mighty good. After all, his team is up 28-3 in the Super Bowl. T-shirts are being printed. Balloons are being filled. Champagne is on ice. Meanwhile someone in Atlanta says, “Ive seen this movie before,” and someone in New England smiles nostalgically and says, “Well, we know how this ends.” And that’s when Patrick Mahomes goes into the phone booth on the sidelines (yes, a phone booth!) and comes out dressed as, well, Patrick Mahomes. Eight touchdown later, he kneels for the win. Except that Baker Mayfield scores ten touchdowns in a row because he has the toilet plunger in his hands and no one wants to tackle him. “One opposing player who actually played in the game says of Mayfield, “the only reason he’s so good is because he stinks.”  Chiefs 59, 49ers 28 (Browns 85)

Postgame – Patrick Mahomes is MVP. Andy Reid exhales after 40 years of holding his breath and he suddenly is skinny. Troy Aikman interviews a toilet plunger, which claims to have “woke up feeling dangerous.” 

Final Note: For those three people who read this column (hi Mom!), thank you. This may be the end as I have other things to focus on in the future. Perhaps maybe then the Cleveland Browns will finally win a Super Bowl. 

This column is sponsored by High Crimes & Misdemeanors.

Who’s up for some high crimes and misdemeanors on the way to these Week 15 NFL Picks?

Half of you? Perfect. This is exactly how I planned it.

You are the patriotic ones who understand that there is nothing more fun than high crimes.

As for misdemeanors, sure. Why not?

Give me some orange paint in an old-school ozone-burning spray can and put me near a deserted bridge underpass in Pittsburgh, and I will give you an illegal, badly drawn Cleveland Browns helmet.

My defense will be that it is art and a political statement about the struggles of the human soul in a time of climate change, mass immigration and several other hot button issues of your choosing.

Soon, everyone will be calling me Banksy. or, at worst, I will be making high-tax bracket money with duct tape and a banana and then I will take my money to the banksy.

My point is that these Week 15 NFL Picks cannot believe you actually impeached me from my job as Prognosticator of the United States. You stupid ugly fools are bullies with bad haircuts. Be best! 

I mean, you’re going to impeach me over what? My call of the Browns to win the Super Bowl was perfect. It was a perfect call.

And, it’s not like I’m a New England Patriots’ fan sending my cell phone video to Bill Belichick, er, I mean Kraft Productions.

So I’m going to enjoy my day of very high crimes and misdemeanors, and I plan to start at 4:20 a.m. or p.m., whichever comes first.

As for the other half of you who support impeaching me for high crimes and misdemeanors, let me respond in my best statesman voice, I know you are but what am I?

So it’s onto high crimes for me, but maybe I’ll skip the misdemeanors because I am usually hungry after high crimes. Then again, maybe not. I was going to eat my last banana, but now I can’t find it. That’s definitely what’s gonna happen.

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JETS AT RAVENS – Lamar Jackson, Marvel Superhero, is allowed to wear a cape on the field. Ravens 42, Jets 21

EAGLES AT REDSKINS  – Every Sunday morning since he bought the Redskins, Daniel Snyder has started his day by looking in the mirror and saying, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” Eagles 31, Redskins 13

TEXANS AT TITANS – Ryan Tannehill must have went down to the crossroads to become this good. Titans 30, Texans 20

DOLPHINS AT GIANTS – Eli Manning plays like vintage Eli Manning, which is very average outside of two spectacular stretches of his career. But it’s still enough against the Dolphins. Giants 20, Dolphins 16

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – Drew Lock meets Earth. Chiefs 34, Broncos 10

BEARS AT PACKERS – The Bears are getting better and surprise the Packers, who have often been only good enough. Bears 23, Packers 20

BUCCANEERS AT LIONS – This game is on the schedule. Buccaneers 24, Lions 13

PATRIOTS AT BENGALS – The Patriots, who remember every slight, were accused of cheating by the worst team in the NFL. In the old days with a real offense, the Patriots would win 97-3. Instead, this “blowout” is Patriots 20, Bengals 3

SEAHAWKS AT PANTHERS – A once promising Panthers season continues its collapse. Seahawks 28, Panthers 17

VIKINGS AT CHARGERS – San Diego is better than its record and the Vikings remain suspicious until the playoffs. Thus, trap game…. Chargers 24, Vikings 20

JAGUARS AT RAIDERS – The Oakland Raiders. It’s fun to say. Well, it was. Raiders 27, Jaguars 17

BROWNS AT CARDINALS – Odell Beckham Jr. tells Cardinals players and coaches, “Nah, not you guys.” Browns 37, Cardinals 27

FALCONS AT 49ers – The 49ers look ready for the playoffs and the Falcons look ready to watch the playoffs. 49ers 30, Falcons 9

RAMS AT COWBOYS – The final collapse of Jason Garrett as Cowboys coach is upon us. Rams 31, Cowboys 13

BILLS AT STEELERS – Get your ducks in a row, they say. Bills 29, Steelers 12

COLTS AT SAINTS – The season narrative of both teams takes shape in this game. Saints 36, Colts 20

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This column is sponsored by Truth, now available in 57 flavors.

These week 13 NFL picks want to talk about “those people” and their dangerous belief system and customs. Give me more wine.  It goes good with this beer. Yes I want a shot. Tequila or whiskey… sure, both!

I am against their clothes and the things they believe in and how they act. Pass the gravy. Look, I don’t know what this country is coming to. Sure, I’ll have a drumstick. I mean, I can’t believe they let those people into America when I am about to do my Week 13 NFL Picks. 

I have literally seen people walking around America wearing Pittsburgh Steelers jerseys. How, in the name of George Washington himself, are such people allowed into this country, which once stood for all that was is good and just.

I know one thing for sure. George Washington would have never worn a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey.  

And get this, Mason Rudolph, who is not even good enough to stop an actual duck from taking his job, is their spiritual leader. Also, they wave this towel around. That towel is terrible!

They should go back to where they came from, whatever shithole country that is. Shut up, I’m talking! Jesus, am I really related to you?

But bleeding heart liberals like you want us believe that these animals, swigging their Iron City Beer or Yuengling Ale, deserve the same rights as real Americans who drink real beer and root for real football teams, such as the Cleveland Browns. 

George Washington rooted for the Cleveland Browns. I know this is true, because I just read that exact sentence on the Internet.

So don’t give me that crap how those people have rights too. Really? Have you seen how these people act if the Steelers ever score a touchdown? It’s, frankly, deplorable. and it shows what a misguided belief system they follow. Yes, I want pie.

Now I am going to go smell up your bathroom. Happy Thanksgiving… if that’s what’s gonna happen.

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BEARS AT LIONS – You always see the first half of the Lions game before the food arrives or the tryptophan kicks in. This is, in fact, the Tryptophan Bowl. Bears 6, Lions 3

BILLS AT COWBOYS – Jason Garrett realizes he left his game plan at home and so he calls plays from what he brought – the want ads. When he calls the play, “Dishwasher Needed, fair wages, fun environment,” the Cowboys score a touchdown. Cowboys 24, Bills 13

SAINTS AT FALCONS – The Falcons scare the Saints for all of one quarter. Saints 42, Falcons 17

TITANS AT COLTS – Ryan Tannehill is a good backup quarterback playing beyond his expiration date. Colts 26, Titans 16

JETS AT BENGALS – Andy Dalton wakes up feeling dangerous. Good Jets, bad Jets is a new game in New  York. Bengals 23, Jets 13

REDSKINS AT PANTHERS – Dwayne Haskins takes selfies with everyone in the stadium. Panthers 27, Redskins10

49ers AT RAVENS – The greatest player who has ever lived or ever will live now plays for the Ravens. I saw it on TV. 49ers 24, Ravens 22

BUCCANEERS AT JAGUARS – Jameis Winston doesn’t care in the classic gunslinger fashion. Sometimes it works Buccaneers 37, Jaguars 31

BROWNS AT STEELERS – Duck! They are thrown for interceptions and it is yelled as the quarterback is swarmed by an inspired Browns defense.  Browns 55, Steelers 6

PACKERS AT GIANTS – The Packers went to the Emergency Room after last week’s game against the 49ers and a team of world class doctors prescribed the New York Giants, since the did not have access to the Miami Dolphins. Packers 30, Giants 16

EAGLES AT DOLPHINS – Carson Wentz misses North Dakota State. But then he sees the Dolphins on the other side! Eagles 20, Dolphins 10

RAMS AT CARDINALS – Jared Goff is like the high school quarterback who peaked in high school. “I once went to a Super Bowl,” he will be saying years from now. Cardinals 20, Rams 17

CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – The Chargers are out of it, so Philip Rivers will be great. Chargers 32, Broncos 12

RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – The Chiefs will look better than they are because…. the Raiders. Chiefs 33, Raiders 17

PATRIOTS AT TEXANS – Deshaun Watson has two key completions to Stephon Gilmore. Tom Brady continues to look like he is throwing to amateur receivers. But Julian Edelman saves the day again. Patriots 17, Texans 13

VIKINGS AT SEAHAWKS – Russell Wilson’s magic show versus Kirk Cousins building an erector set. Seashawks 24, Vikings 20

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This column is sponsored by January 2, when this is over.

These Week 12 NFL Picks would like you acknowledge the truth: Myles Garrett did not kill Mason Rudolph. So where’s the crime?

Garrett, perhaps the strongest man in the NFL, did not even hurt Mason Rudolph when he was explaining to him how diplomacy works. Again, I ask, where’s the crime?

The end result is there was no harm done. After all, and I emphasize this – Mason Rudolph is still alive.

The other side would have you believe that just because a person wearing a Cleveland Browns helmet swings a Pittsburgh Steelers helmet at a person not wearing a helmet, that the helmet swinger is deserving of punishment. But that’s not true, is it?

What’s actually true is that Myles Garrett was conducting brilliant diplomacy and furthering the cause of, not only America but also statesman-like decorum. If you recall, Mason Rudolph may not have been wearing a helmet but he was wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers uniform at the time of the alleged incident. So, clearly he had it coming to him.

Look, this is one of the biggest frauds ever perpetrated on the American NFL public. The other side has been after him ever since he became a professional and the NFL forced him to play for Hue Jackson. This goes to the highest levels of the NFL, conspiring against Myles Garrett. 

But Myles Garrett will get his revenge. Within a year or two, the Browns will trade him to the Patriots for a conditional seventh round draft pick. And then suddenly, he’ll not just be a good player, but also a good guy. Because players who play for the Patriots never do anything wrong. That’s obviously What’s Gonna Happen.

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COLTS AT TEXANS – Deshaun Watson got last week out of his system.  It won’t be easy, but he’s (in Belichick-speak) onto this week. Texans 28, Colts 20

BRONCOS AT BILLS – The Bills are not pretty but they are pretty good. The Broncos, on the other hand, are run by Mensa applicant John Elway. Bills 20, Broncos 10

GIANTS AT BEARS – Mitchell Trubisky reads The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Football (Google the authors, plural) and throws five touchdown passes. Bears 38, Giants 20

STEELERS AT BENGALS – While the Steelers are in Cincinnati, the organization builds a statue of Mason Rudolph grabbing Myles Garrett’s crotch. Steelers 24, Bengals 14

DOLPHINS AT BROWNS – Freddie Kitchens has the Browns spend the week learning not to hit the opposing team over the head with a helmet. Meanwhile, Baker Mayfield is thrilled to face the Dade County Community College defense. Browns 42, Dolphins 22

BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – The Falcons win to continue their rise towards mediocracy. Falcons 27, Buccaneers 13

PANTHERS AT SAINTS – While it is the end of the Kyle Allen glory days, Drew Brees has a few more in him. Saints 38, Panthers 18

SEAHAWKS AT EAGLES – The Eagles really need a win. Russell Wilson, with two minutes to go, really doesn’t care. Seahawks 23, Eagles 20

LIONS AT REDSKINS – Jeff Driskel (Who?) for the Lions against first round draft pick Dwayne Haskins for the Redskins. I’ll go with Who? because he doesn’t play for the Redskins. Lions 24, Redskins 10

RAIDERS AT JETS – Sam Darnold is maybe actually possibly an NFL quarterback and the Raiders are traveling a long way to come find out. Jets 17, Raiders 10

JAGUARS AT TITANS – Apparently, people will pay money to see this in person. They make a wise decision as it, oddly, turns out to be an exciting game. Titans 20, Jaguars 17

COWBOYS AT PATRIOTS – Tom Brady is frustrated this year. Jerry Jones has been frustrated for all of Tom Brady’s career. Patriots 24, Cowboys 23

PACKERS AT 49ers – You would think the 49ers pass rush would get to Aaron Rodgers. But he’s Aaron Rodgers for a reason, and it’s not his acting skills. Packers 30, 49ers 24

RAVENS AT RAMS – Lamar Jackson throws for 11 touchdowns and runs for 297 yards, and is inducted into the Hall of Fame at halftime… according to some analysts on ESPN. Rams 20, Ravens 13

BYE AT CARDINALS – Kliff Kingsbury, tries to change his offense so he takes a walk and every three yards he kicks up a cloud of dust, which causes him to think up another pass play.

BYE AT CHIEFS – Patrick Mahomes plays Madden and realizes that video Patrick Mahomes can do things he can’t.  

BYE AT CHARGERS – They have as much chance of winning this week as they do of ever winning another playoff game.

BYE AT VIKINGS – The Vikings are 8-3! The Vikings are 8-3! On the way to a playoff loss!

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This column is sponsored by the future room at the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library that will hold the golden throne from where the President tweets.