These Week 2 NFL Picks, under newly mandated Federal herd mentality rules, have just received my marching orders from George Soros, Cleveland Browns fan.
As a high-powered card-carrying member of the lamestream media, I do not think for myself. It is not allowed by George Soros, who last week ordered me to pick the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
I don’t even go to the bathroom without George Soros’ approval. And he always asks, “Number 1 or number 2?” I think he has assigned Bill Gates to keep a spreadsheet of this important information at the Geneva, Ohio headquarters of the Deep State.
But I don’t mind. Look at all this power I have that George Soros really has. Impressive, huh?
So while I stare at my mailbox waiting anxiously for my George Soros check to arrive, I would like you to know that it was George Soros, not me, who picked the Detroit Lions to win last week. It is not something I would ever do. Just the thought of it had me preparing for an armed insurrection. Well, everything does nowadays.
I actually don’t believe in anything that George Soros does. He just pays well, or so I am told by Rush Limbaugh, Mike Ditka and Newt Gingrich.
For instance, last week I was in California raking leaves in a forest because I know that is the very best way to prevent catastrophic forest fires. George Soros may worry about global warming but I am petrified of exploding trees.
Then the call went out to members of the lamestream media: Save the reputation of the Cleveland Browns.
One thing George Soros and I both agree on is that the Cleveland Browns are the greatest team in the history of football.
While I said that last week’s 38-6 loss by the Cleveland Browns was actually a great success, George Soros thinks that the Cleveland Browns are a disenfranchised long-suffering minority that needs the support of an empathetic society.
The truth, as I have recently learned from Newt Gingrich and his friends, is that this column has been getting these orders from George Soros for 20 years.
For 20 years, this column, in various forms and places, has predicted the Cleveland Browns would win the Super Bowl. The Cleveland Browns have won the Super Bowl. The Cleveland Browns have never even been to the Super Bowl.
And so, dear reader, please understand that whenever I am wrong, it was not me. It was George Soros.
As I continue to stare hopefully at my mailbox, it should be clear to you by now that this column was written by George Soros. He’s the guy, not me, who knows exactly what’s gonna happen.
BENGALS AT BROWNS – Browns 35 Bengals 30
JAGUARS AT TITANS – Jaguars 24, Titans 17
LIONS AT PACKERS – Packers 35, Lions 23
RAMS AT EAGLES – Rams 30, Eagles 20
GIANTS AT BEARS – Bears 23, Giants 20
49ers AT JETS – 49ers 27, Jets 13
BRONCOS AT STEELERS – Steelers 31, Broncos 14
VIKINGS AT COLTS – Vikings 30, Colts 20
PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – Panthers 23, Buccaneers 19
BILLS AT DOLPHINS – Dolphins 23, Bills 13
FALCONS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 33, Falcons 20
WASHINGTON AT CARDINALS – Washington 20, Cardinals 13
RAVENS AT TEXANS – Ravens 31, Texans 17
CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Chiefs 32, Chargers 12
PATRIOTS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 29, Patriots 17
SAINTS AT RAIDERS – Saints 30, Raiders 20