As I was telling my trusted loyal friend, Bob Woodward, I had literally no idea what I was doing when I made these Week 1 NFL Picks.
As I told the American people, these week 1 NFL picks are a lock. I encourage you to bet your life on these week 1 NFL picks.
I also told Woodward that the American people will never know that I secretly ordered my secretary of the Environment, a man I call Exxon Valdez, to make the sky glow orange all over the West Coast because I like the color of the Cleveland Browns helmet.
I am in power, I can do whatever I want. And face it, how many people can I shoot on Fifth Avenue before it just gets boring? Okay, 190,000 seems to be the number, but… ah, I can keep going. It is my thing, after all. History will say so.
Anyway, I was talking to Roger Goodell about how sad it is that he only makes $40 million a year, and I may have mentioned a Russian bank in case he needed a loan. Anyway, in a couple of years I think the the San Francisco 49ers will move to Moscow and play under the name, the Moscow McConnells.
For now, it is NFL season and I need a way to distract people from, well, you know, everything. First let me just say five things my doctor suggested I memorize for my own happiness and sense of self worth: person, man, woman, camera, TV. No wait, that’s not it.
Look, I have a lot of complicated lists in my head. Only I could do what I am doing here. Okay, here’s the list: Baker Mayfield, Nick Chubb, Odell Beckham Jr. Myles Garrett, Jarvis Landry.
I say these words because I am the Prognosticator of the United States of only Cleveland Browns fans. I have memorized the words. In order!
Therefore, as a certified Very Stable Genius, I declare the Cleveland Browns will win today. My logic is as perfect as my new bleach-based vaccine, coming very soon to a gun store near you.
And that’s what’s gonna happen.
TEXANS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 34, Texans 20
RAIDERS AT PANTHERS – Raiders 35, Panthers 25
COLTS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 27, Colts 26
DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – Dolphins 30, Patriots 17
EAGLES AT WASHINGTON – Eagles 27, Washington 17
SEAHAWKS AT FALCONS – Seahawks 30, Falcons 20
PACKERS AT VIKINGS – Packers 28, Vikings 17
JETS AT BILLS – Bills 26, Jets 14
BROWNS AT RAVENS – Browns 45, Ravens 17
BEARS AT LIONS – Lions 30, Bears 20
CHARGERS AT BENGALS – Bengals 24, Chargers 9
CARDINALS AT 49ers – Cardinals 17, 49ers 16
BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Buccaneers 35, Saints 34
COWBOYS AT RAMS – Rams 21, Cowboys 17
STEELERS AT GIANTS – Steelers 30, Gians 17
TITANS AT BRONCOS – Titans 31, Broncos 21
This column is sponsored by Dancing In The Street.
As I sit upon my golden throne, processing Big Macs, composing mean tweets and contemplating yesterday’s golf game, it is time for me, the Prognosticator of the United States of America, to reveal my 2020 NFL season picks. BAKER MAYFIELD!
This year, joining my longtime Secretary Of Winning, Hue Jackson, are my two new assistants, Dr. Anthony Faucci and Jimmy QAnon, or ‘True’ & ‘False’ as my disloyal staff calls them. These NFL picks, like my speeches, give you a bit of both.
For instance, this NFL season will be played in its entirety, with each team playing 16 games. That’s true or false, right?
So as Prognosticator of 40 percent of the USA (and frankly, most of them are losers without money), let me begin with…ah, ah, ah, choo!
LAW & ORDER! CAPITAL LETTERS!
Sure, there are three Vietnams worth of Covid-19 casualties on my watch. And yes, Tom Brady is in Tampa. Look, it is what it is. At least Herman Cain is still tweeting and my military people never get injured or killed like they did in that loser bone spur of a war, Vietnam.
Let’s talk alien DNA, demon sperm and bleach. What I mean is let’s talk about the Pittsburgh Steelers. What I mean is, have you tried hydroxychloroquine. It’s as good as Adderall!
DISTRACTION! I am protecting the suburban lifestyle dream of Karen-in-a-pink-jersey in places like Frorida, Yo-Semites National Park, and Thigh-Land. I love Thigh-Land and the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders!
My fellow Americans, You came here for 2020 NFL season picks but the fascist socialists led by Joe Biden would rather every team get a participation trophy of a BLM facemask engraved with Colin Kaepernick’s signature.
Not me. I love the American flag and rigged competition (and Bill Belichick) and the word “rigged.” My beautiful flag that I have mandated to be flown on the back of every big pickup truck in America now represents only 40 percent of the American people, and that’s enough for me.
I represent real Americans, like Daniel Snyder, owner of the Washington football team with the super cool racist name that I want to say a whole bunch of times while my supporters shoot guns and tell native Americans to go back to where they came from.
BOWEL MOVEMENT! Okay, my business in the White House is finished for the day.
Final thought: As this season progresses, you can do all the regular math from Harvard, MIT, or even your stupid state university, but just remember that when the Cleveland Browns win every week, I’m using Electoral College Math, where 63 million is more than 66 million. My old high school buddy, Joe Shapiro, taught it to me.
But back to my golf game. On that last hole, my partner, The My Pillow Guy, missed a three-foot putt. I guess he choked, just like a cop with a gun wrongfully killing someone. Very similar.
I’d like to wish Ghislaine Maxwell and Jerry Falwell Jr. well. Can I get an Amen from my evangelical supporters?
Speaking of evangelicals, this season has about a prayer’s chance of playing every game on time. I wish it was fake news, but that’s what’s gonna happen.
BILLS – Josh Allen is big and that’s worth eight wins. His arm is worth eight losses. 8-8
DOLPHINS – Tua Tagovailoa will be really good as soon as I remember how to spell his name, and this is actually a fair timeline. 7-9
JETS – Sam Darnold sees the ghost of his career. 5-11
PATRIOTS – Cam Newton is roughly the same size as Trevor Lawrence will be. 2-14
BROWNS – Year one of a dyansty, and this tequila is great. 16-0
STEELERS – Big Ben is back and the Steelers did not forget how to lose. 12-4
RAVENS – Lamar Jackson will be MVP-like in half the games. 8-8
BENGALS – Joe Burrow cannot do it all by himself. 4-12
TEXANS – All five losses will be traced to Bill O’Brien. 11-5
TITANS – By the way, Ryan Tannehill is who we think he is. 8-8
COLTS – Philip Rivers is old and two times zones off. 7-9
JAGUARS – In this tank, we will never know what Gardner Minshew could have been. 3-13
CHIEFS – Patrick Mahomes stars as Patrick Mahomes in the Marvel superhero movie, ‘Patrick Mahomes.’ 12-5
BRONCOS – Drew Lock will play just well enough to make John Elway think again he has found a quarterback. 9 – 7
RAIDERS – Raiders finish .500 because you never beat the house in Vegas. 8-8
CHARGERS – Tyrod Taylor is one more Hue Jackson season away from immortality. 3-13
COWBOYS – Jerry Jones has a freezer full of body parts at Cowboys Stadium in case he needs a random transplant at halftime of a game. 12-4
EAGLES – Years from now, dumbfounded people will say things like, “Someone once voted for Carson Wentz for MVP?” 8-8
GIANTS – Saquon Barkley is fun to watch. The Giants are not. 7-9
WASHINGTON – Daniel Snyder is sued by his own eyeballs for the gross things he makes them see. 4-12
VIKINGS – Kirk Cousins would like you to know that if he dies, he dies.11-5
PACKERS – Insurance salesman Aaron Rodgers is now dating Flo, insurance sales lady for a competing company. 10-6
LIONS – Matt Patricia talks to a portrait of Bill Belichick after ever loss, sort of like Nixon used to talk to portraits of dead presidents. 7-9
BEARS – Mitch Trubisky has Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson on his fantasy team. 4-12
SAINTS – Drew Brees kneels, stands, salutes, and the dances like a ballerina during the National Anthem. 10-6
BUCCANEERS – Just to taunt New England fans, Tom Brady shouts, “Foxboro!” before every play the way Peyton Manning used to yell out, “Omaha!”10-6
PANTHERS – Teddy Bridgewater is great until he is hurt again, and I hope I am wrong. 6-10
FALCONS – Turn the page. 5-11
SEAHAWKS – Josh Gordon finds a new legal marijuana store and plays like he did a half decade ago. 13-3
CARDINALS – Year two and no one figures out Kyle Murray yet. 9-7
RAMS – Everybody wanted a Sean McVay type until he began to stand for “mediocre. ”8-8
49ers – Jimmy Garrapolo, AKA Just A Guy. 6-10
BUCCANEERS OVER SEAHAWKS
BROWNS OVER CHIEFS
BROWNS OVER BUCCANEERS
This column is sponsored by The Committee To Re-Elect Dunning-Kruger.
I will give you my Super Bowl 54 prediction very soon. I would like you to do me a favor, though.
Act like this makes sense.
Anyway, I take this Super Bowl 54 prediction super seriously. That’s why I just ate a fortune cookie.
Of course I weigh things carefully – the same as, say, a United States Republican Senator acting as a juror in an impeachment trial.
In other words, I have made up my mind and I am willing to cite almost anything as evidence of why I decided as I have.
All information is important, even if I ate it and it disappeared. I would never conduct a cover up. I instead call this a belly full.
So let me tell you how we got here:
Late last summer, I visited a green-eyed fortune teller named Jimmy Nostradumus.
Jimmy was not just a fortune teller. He also knew how to reach dead people. He has a special phone book, I think.
When I walked in, his green eyes seemed to know that I would give him all my money and then he would help me get in touch with my late Uncle Fred, who I miss greatly – but never actually existed.
Uncle Fred, through Jimmy, told me that I should remember the old neighborhood and pick the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl. I think I wore a Cleveland Browns shirt to visit this amazing fortune teller, who somehow knew I like the Cleveland Browns.
This is why I am predicting the Cleveland Browns to win Super Bowl 54. Because of my late imaginary Uncle Fred.
This is perfectly logical, and I have obviously cited credible evidence. Believe what you want. But if you are fair & balanced, you will certainly consider this theory on equal ground with facts.
But if you want to believe the hoax that Super Bowl 54 can only be won by Kansas City Chiefs or San Francisco 49ers, I cannot account for, nor do I understand, your liberal bias.
Sure, I know that the Cleveland Browns are not playing in the Super Bowl. Uncle Fred, from way beyond the grave, says that is irrelevant.
“I’ve been watching America since I died,” said Fred. “No one cares about facts. What do you feel should happen?”
So, directly from Uncle Fred – his words, not mine – here is what’s gonna happen.
Pregame – The Fox & Friends Group interviews President Trump while he sits on their couch and they take turns shining his shoes. He says the Chiefs will win because the 49ers are represented by Nancy Pelosi. A soon-to-be-bankrupt company watches all of its money disappear in 60 seconds of a commercial no one will ever remember.
Coin Flip – The NFL decides to use a bitcoin but the blockchain gets hacked by the New England Patriots video department, which claims to be innocently working on a light feature about NFL referees and the coin flip and blockchain hackers. Eventually, the replay booth rules (many say, erroneously) that the Chiefs won the toss. They defer.
First Quarter – Raheem Mostert picks up right where he left off, running for 40 yards on the first drive. Jimmy Garrapolo finishes it with a touchdown throw to George Kittle. And Baker Mayfield, who has been taking care of the facilities at all 32 NFL Stadiums this year instead of studying his playbook, somehow sneaks in for a touchdown during an instant replay review. 49ers 7, Chiefs 0 (Browns 7)
Second Quarter – Troy Aikman spends a lot of time talking about Baker Mayfield’s touchdown while the 49ers drive down the field and score twice on Raheem Mostert runs. Neither the Chiefs nor Baker Mayfield scores in the second quarter. Troy Aikman speculates that Mayfield is fixing the toilets in the lower level concourse. 49ers 21, Chiefs 0 (Browns 7)
Halftime – Jenny from the block sings songs and is joined by her backup singer, John Bolton, who really sings. Donald Trump tweets, “Horrible voice, can’t even follow the lyrics I gave him. Thumbs down! Embarrassing!” With that, Trump loses the Jenny from the block block of voters.
Third quarter – The Chiefs show slight signs of life and get a field goal. But Raheem Morris tops 200 yards in the third quarter and scores his third touchdown of the game. Meanwhile Baker Mayfield is somehow sacked for a loss on third and eight. But he repaints the yard lines and it turns out he was sacked for a nine-yard gain. “That kid has moxie,” says Joe Buck. But the drive stalls when his wife wants coffee. 49ers 28, Chiefs 3 (Browns 7)
Fourth Quarter – Kyle Shanahan is feeling mighty good. After all, his team is up 28-3 in the Super Bowl. T-shirts are being printed. Balloons are being filled. Champagne is on ice. Meanwhile someone in Atlanta says, “Ive seen this movie before,” and someone in New England smiles nostalgically and says, “Well, we know how this ends.” And that’s when Patrick Mahomes goes into the phone booth on the sidelines (yes, a phone booth!) and comes out dressed as, well, Patrick Mahomes. Eight touchdown later, he kneels for the win. Except that Baker Mayfield scores ten touchdowns in a row because he has the toilet plunger in his hands and no one wants to tackle him. “One opposing player who actually played in the game says of Mayfield, “the only reason he’s so good is because he stinks.” Chiefs 59, 49ers 28 (Browns 85)
Postgame – Patrick Mahomes is MVP. Andy Reid exhales after 40 years of holding his breath and he suddenly is skinny. Troy Aikman interviews a toilet plunger, which claims to have “woke up feeling dangerous.”
Final Note: For those three people who read this column (hi Mom!), thank you. This may be the end as I have other things to focus on in the future. Perhaps maybe then the Cleveland Browns will finally win a Super Bowl.
This column is sponsored by High Crimes & Misdemeanors.
Who’s up for some high crimes and misdemeanors on the way to these Week 15 NFL Picks?
Half of you? Perfect. This is exactly how I planned it.
You are the patriotic ones who understand that there is nothing more fun than high crimes.
As for misdemeanors, sure. Why not?
Give me some orange paint in an old-school ozone-burning spray can and put me near a deserted bridge underpass in Pittsburgh, and I will give you an illegal, badly drawn Cleveland Browns helmet.
My defense will be that it is art and a political statement about the struggles of the human soul in a time of climate change, mass immigration and several other hot button issues of your choosing.
Soon, everyone will be calling me Banksy. or, at worst, I will be making high-tax bracket money with duct tape and a banana and then I will take my money to the banksy.
My point is that these Week 15 NFL Picks cannot believe you actually impeached me from my job as Prognosticator of the United States. You stupid ugly fools are bullies with bad haircuts. Be best!
I mean, you’re going to impeach me over what? My call of the Browns to win the Super Bowl was perfect. It was a perfect call.
And, it’s not like I’m a New England Patriots’ fan sending my cell phone video to Bill Belichick, er, I mean Kraft Productions.
So I’m going to enjoy my day of very high crimes and misdemeanors, and I plan to start at 4:20 a.m. or p.m., whichever comes first.
As for the other half of you who support impeaching me for high crimes and misdemeanors, let me respond in my best statesman voice, I know you are but what am I?
So it’s onto high crimes for me, but maybe I’ll skip the misdemeanors because I am usually hungry after high crimes. Then again, maybe not. I was going to eat my last banana, but now I can’t find it. That’s definitely what’s gonna happen.
JETS AT RAVENS – Lamar Jackson, Marvel Superhero, is allowed to wear a cape on the field. Ravens 42, Jets 21
EAGLES AT REDSKINS – Every Sunday morning since he bought the Redskins, Daniel Snyder has started his day by looking in the mirror and saying, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” Eagles 31, Redskins 13
TEXANS AT TITANS – Ryan Tannehill must have went down to the crossroads to become this good. Titans 30, Texans 20
DOLPHINS AT GIANTS – Eli Manning plays like vintage Eli Manning, which is very average outside of two spectacular stretches of his career. But it’s still enough against the Dolphins. Giants 20, Dolphins 16
BEARS AT PACKERS – The Bears are getting better and surprise the Packers, who have often been only good enough. Bears 23, Packers 20
BUCCANEERS AT LIONS – This game is on the schedule. Buccaneers 24, Lions 13
PATRIOTS AT BENGALS – The Patriots, who remember every slight, were accused of cheating by the worst team in the NFL. In the old days with a real offense, the Patriots would win 97-3. Instead, this “blowout” is Patriots 20, Bengals 3
SEAHAWKS AT PANTHERS – A once promising Panthers season continues its collapse. Seahawks 28, Panthers 17
VIKINGS AT CHARGERS – San Diego is better than its record and the Vikings remain suspicious until the playoffs. Thus, trap game…. Chargers 24, Vikings 20
JAGUARS AT RAIDERS – The Oakland Raiders. It’s fun to say. Well, it was. Raiders 27, Jaguars 17
BROWNS AT CARDINALS – Odell Beckham Jr. tells Cardinals players and coaches, “Nah, not you guys.” Browns 37, Cardinals 27
FALCONS AT 49ers – The 49ers look ready for the playoffs and the Falcons look ready to watch the playoffs. 49ers 30, Falcons 9
RAMS AT COWBOYS – The final collapse of Jason Garrett as Cowboys coach is upon us. Rams 31, Cowboys 13
BILLS AT STEELERS – Get your ducks in a row, they say. Bills 29, Steelers 12
COLTS AT SAINTS – The season narrative of both teams takes shape in this game. Saints 36, Colts 20
This column is sponsored by Truth, now available in 57 flavors.
These week 13 NFL picks want to talk about “those people” and their dangerous belief system and customs. Give me more wine. It goes good with this beer. Yes I want a shot. Tequila or whiskey… sure, both!
I am against their clothes and the things they believe in and how they act. Pass the gravy. Look, I don’t know what this country is coming to. Sure, I’ll have a drumstick. I mean, I can’t believe they let those people into America when I am about to do my Week 13 NFL Picks.
I have literally seen people walking around America wearing Pittsburgh Steelers jerseys. How, in the name of George Washington himself, are such people allowed into this country, which once stood for all that was is good and just.
I know one thing for sure. George Washington would have never worn a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey.
And get this, Mason Rudolph, who is not even good enough to stop an actual duck from taking his job, is their spiritual leader. Also, they wave this towel around. That towel is terrible!
They should go back to where they came from, whatever shithole country that is. Shut up, I’m talking! Jesus, am I really related to you?
But bleeding heart liberals like you want us believe that these animals, swigging their Iron City Beer or Yuengling Ale, deserve the same rights as real Americans who drink real beer and root for real football teams, such as the Cleveland Browns.
George Washington rooted for the Cleveland Browns. I know this is true, because I just read that exact sentence on the Internet.
So don’t give me that crap how those people have rights too. Really? Have you seen how these people act if the Steelers ever score a touchdown? It’s, frankly, deplorable. and it shows what a misguided belief system they follow. Yes, I want pie.
Now I am going to go smell up your bathroom. Happy Thanksgiving… if that’s what’s gonna happen.
BEARS AT LIONS – You always see the first half of the Lions game before the food arrives or the tryptophan kicks in. This is, in fact, the Tryptophan Bowl. Bears 6, Lions 3
BILLS AT COWBOYS – Jason Garrett realizes he left his game plan at home and so he calls plays from what he brought – the want ads. When he calls the play, “Dishwasher Needed, fair wages, fun environment,” the Cowboys score a touchdown. Cowboys 24, Bills 13
SAINTS AT FALCONS – The Falcons scare the Saints for all of one quarter. Saints 42, Falcons 17
TITANS AT COLTS – Ryan Tannehill is a good backup quarterback playing beyond his expiration date. Colts 26, Titans 16
JETS AT BENGALS – Andy Dalton wakes up feeling dangerous. Good Jets, bad Jets is a new game in New York. Bengals 23, Jets 13
REDSKINS AT PANTHERS – Dwayne Haskins takes selfies with everyone in the stadium. Panthers 27, Redskins10
49ers AT RAVENS – The greatest player who has ever lived or ever will live now plays for the Ravens. I saw it on TV. 49ers 24, Ravens 22
BUCCANEERS AT JAGUARS – Jameis Winston doesn’t care in the classic gunslinger fashion. Sometimes it works Buccaneers 37, Jaguars 31
BROWNS AT STEELERS – Duck! They are thrown for interceptions and it is yelled as the quarterback is swarmed by an inspired Browns defense. Browns 55, Steelers 6
PACKERS AT GIANTS – The Packers went to the Emergency Room after last week’s game against the 49ers and a team of world class doctors prescribed the New York Giants, since the did not have access to the Miami Dolphins. Packers 30, Giants 16
EAGLES AT DOLPHINS – Carson Wentz misses North Dakota State. But then he sees the Dolphins on the other side! Eagles 20, Dolphins 10
RAMS AT CARDINALS – Jared Goff is like the high school quarterback who peaked in high school. “I once went to a Super Bowl,” he will be saying years from now. Cardinals 20, Rams 17
CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – The Chargers are out of it, so Philip Rivers will be great. Chargers 32, Broncos 12
RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – The Chiefs will look better than they are because…. the Raiders. Chiefs 33, Raiders 17
PATRIOTS AT TEXANS – Deshaun Watson has two key completions to Stephon Gilmore. Tom Brady continues to look like he is throwing to amateur receivers. But Julian Edelman saves the day again. Patriots 17, Texans 13
VIKINGS AT SEAHAWKS – Russell Wilson’s magic show versus Kirk Cousins building an erector set. Seashawks 24, Vikings 20
This column is sponsored by January 2, when this is over.
These Week 12 NFL Picks would like you acknowledge the truth: Myles Garrett did not kill Mason Rudolph. So where’s the crime?
Garrett, perhaps the strongest man in the NFL, did not even hurt Mason Rudolph when he was explaining to him how diplomacy works. Again, I ask, where’s the crime?
The end result is there was no harm done. After all, and I emphasize this – Mason Rudolph is still alive.
The other side would have you believe that just because a person wearing a Cleveland Browns helmet swings a Pittsburgh Steelers helmet at a person not wearing a helmet, that the helmet swinger is deserving of punishment. But that’s not true, is it?
What’s actually true is that Myles Garrett was conducting brilliant diplomacy and furthering the cause of, not only America but also statesman-like decorum. If you recall, Mason Rudolph may not have been wearing a helmet but he was wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers uniform at the time of the alleged incident. So, clearly he had it coming to him.
Look, this is one of the biggest frauds ever perpetrated on the American NFL public. The other side has been after him ever since he became a professional and the NFL forced him to play for Hue Jackson. This goes to the highest levels of the NFL, conspiring against Myles Garrett.
But Myles Garrett will get his revenge. Within a year or two, the Browns will trade him to the Patriots for a conditional seventh round draft pick. And then suddenly, he’ll not just be a good player, but also a good guy. Because players who play for the Patriots never do anything wrong. That’s obviously What’s Gonna Happen.
COLTS AT TEXANS – Deshaun Watson got last week out of his system. It won’t be easy, but he’s (in Belichick-speak) onto this week. Texans 28, Colts 20
BRONCOS AT BILLS – The Bills are not pretty but they are pretty good. The Broncos, on the other hand, are run by Mensa applicant John Elway. Bills 20, Broncos 10
GIANTS AT BEARS – Mitchell Trubisky reads The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Football (Google the authors, plural) and throws five touchdown passes. Bears 38, Giants 20
STEELERS AT BENGALS – While the Steelers are in Cincinnati, the organization builds a statue of Mason Rudolph grabbing Myles Garrett’s crotch. Steelers 24, Bengals 14
DOLPHINS AT BROWNS – Freddie Kitchens has the Browns spend the week learning not to hit the opposing team over the head with a helmet. Meanwhile, Baker Mayfield is thrilled to face the Dade County Community College defense. Browns 42, Dolphins 22
BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – The Falcons win to continue their rise towards mediocracy. Falcons 27, Buccaneers 13
PANTHERS AT SAINTS – While it is the end of the Kyle Allen glory days, Drew Brees has a few more in him. Saints 38, Panthers 18
SEAHAWKS AT EAGLES – The Eagles really need a win. Russell Wilson, with two minutes to go, really doesn’t care. Seahawks 23, Eagles 20
LIONS AT REDSKINS – Jeff Driskel (Who?) for the Lions against first round draft pick Dwayne Haskins for the Redskins. I’ll go with Who? because he doesn’t play for the Redskins. Lions 24, Redskins 10
RAIDERS AT JETS – Sam Darnold is maybe actually possibly an NFL quarterback and the Raiders are traveling a long way to come find out. Jets 17, Raiders 10
JAGUARS AT TITANS – Apparently, people will pay money to see this in person. They make a wise decision as it, oddly, turns out to be an exciting game. Titans 20, Jaguars 17
COWBOYS AT PATRIOTS – Tom Brady is frustrated this year. Jerry Jones has been frustrated for all of Tom Brady’s career. Patriots 24, Cowboys 23
PACKERS AT 49ers – You would think the 49ers pass rush would get to Aaron Rodgers. But he’s Aaron Rodgers for a reason, and it’s not his acting skills. Packers 30, 49ers 24
RAVENS AT RAMS – Lamar Jackson throws for 11 touchdowns and runs for 297 yards, and is inducted into the Hall of Fame at halftime… according to some analysts on ESPN. Rams 20, Ravens 13
BYE AT CARDINALS – Kliff Kingsbury, tries to change his offense so he takes a walk and every three yards he kicks up a cloud of dust, which causes him to think up another pass play.
BYE AT CHIEFS – Patrick Mahomes plays Madden and realizes that video Patrick Mahomes can do things he can’t.
BYE AT CHARGERS – They have as much chance of winning this week as they do of ever winning another playoff game.
BYE AT VIKINGS – The Vikings are 8-3! The Vikings are 8-3! On the way to a playoff loss!
This column is sponsored by the future room at the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library that will hold the golden throne from where the President tweets.
These week 11 NFL picks would first like to specifically and publicly use the words No Quid Pro Quo, and then I’d like to describe a recent action in which I did something and I got something directly back in return.
Last week, due to my job at the factory, I did not pick the Cleveland Browns to win. Thus, they won.
It was textbook quid pro quo, straight from the original Latin saying that originated when the Browns were dominating the BCFL, a dominance they sustained until the early A.D.’s.
If you are not confused yet, just wait because I have ordered new smoke and mirrors to help my argument that I am innocent of ever being wrong.
If it looks like I was wrong, I was joking. I’m a businessman. I want something before I write a check or an NFL prediction. The fake media, including this column, is full of lies. Don’t believe a word of it.
The only thing you can trust is this column, trust me.
But I don’t trust the guy who writes it. I think he is part of the deep state trying to undermine me at every stop by printing the words that come into my head as I sit upon my golden throne.
So as soon as I finish pushing out my thoughts on the Pittsburgh Steelers in here, I’ll let you know What’s Gonna Happen.
STEELERS AT BROWNS – The Browns move the game from First Energy Field to paper, because on paper is the only place they dominate. Browns 52, Steelers 0
JETS AT REDSKINS – Adam Gase and Jay Gruden in the Peter Principle Bowl. Sam Darnold is the more seasoned destined-to-be-a-bust quarterback. Jets 20, Redskins 17
SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – Last week was any given Sunday for the Saints. This week, they play the Buccaneers. Saints 27, Buccaneers 17
BRONCOS AT VIKINGS – Is it time for bad Kirk Cousins to return? Not yet. Vikings 30, Broncos 13
BILLS AT DOLPHINS – The Bills are who I thought they were, and the Dolphins are winning despite trying to lose. Dolphins 20, Bills 13
JAGUARS AT COLTS – Karma alone should ruin the Jaguars chances for benching Gardner Minshew’s mustache. Colts 28, Jaguars 10
COWBOYS AT LIONS – The Cowboys should win this game. The Lions should lose this game. Things go as planned at NFL offices in Las Vegas. Cowboys 28, Lions 20
FALCONS AT PANTHERS – The Panthers, not good, are less bad. Panthers 23, Falcons 17
TEXANS AT RAVENS – Once upon a time in the NBA, every year there was a “new Michael Jordan.” In the NFL, it’s “the new Brady/Manning rivalry.” This game offers door number 6 of the options. Texans 35, Ravens 30
CARDINALS AT 49ers – If Kyler Murray were not a rookie, I’d give the Cardinals a chance because the 49ers now remember they re not invincible. 49ers 23, Cardinals 19
PATRIOTS AT EAGLES – When the momentum turns, Belichick and Brady turn on the afterburners as a bit of revenge. In the fourth quarter, Brady catches a touchdown pass. Patriots 40, Eagles 10
BENGALS AT RAIDERS – The Bengals leave Kentucky and spend time scouting the Raider’s home next season in Las Vegas before reluctantly going to Oakland. Raiders 42, Bengals 22
BEARS AT RAMS – Sean McVay has his membership suspended from the Vince Lombardi Greatest Coaches Of All Time Club. Bears 20, Rams 17
CHIEFS AT CHARGERS AT MEXICO CITY – President Trump suggests in a tweet that, to increase ratings, the losing team should not be allowed back into the country. Chiefs 31, Chargers 20
BYE AT PACKERS – Aaron Rodgers has an affair with Flo from Progressive.
BYE AT GIANTS – Saquon Barkley still can’t believe what a bust Trent Richardson was.
BYE AT SEAHAWKS – Tests prove that Russell Wilson is cooler than the other side of the pillow.
BYE AT TITANS – Ryan Tannehill acts like a Fonzie whenever Marcus Mariota walks in the room.
This column is sponsored by the school bullies who used to beat Stephen Miller up.
As soon as word leaked that these Week 9 NFL Picks picked the Cleveland Browns to beat the New England Patriots during week 8 last week, I ordered that the evidence be moved to a secret server… under the ice cream in my freezer.
That’s where I keep the really tasty stuff. I’ve got Hillary Clinton’s server there too, but that’s for another day. Right now, I am concerned about only my sterling reputation as an NFL savant.
I mean, I can’t believe that anyone was listening to these Week 9 NFL picks picking week 8 in the NFL (it makes no sense for you to care what I said in the past, except in a witch hunt) but if you read the transcript you know they were perfect picks. They were beautiful.
And wrong is in the eye of the reader, according to my spokesperson. Sarah-Kellyanne Huckabee-Sanders-Conway.
She said that I was, in fact, mostly right. The Browns played the Patriots last week. I mean, I can’t believe people who oppose me think that’s not true.
Plus, and this is so important, there was no quid pro quo. I picked the Browns to win. They did not win. That is pure quid pro bite me, and nothing more. You’re going to impeach me on that?
But if you listen to Nancy Pelosi or Cleveland football writer Tony Grossi, I had no sense of urgency in my picks. So, it’s Sunday, and I just now giving you my Thursday night pick. So what? Jesus, Tony.
Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling dangerous. No, not really. But I did wake up. And that makes me dangerous, no? No?
Well, maybe you know What’s Gonna Happen.
49ers at CARDINALS – Jimmy G. throws four touchdown passes. Remember, you read it here first. 49ers 28, Cardinals 25
TEXANS AT JAGUARS – The two best quarterback stories in the league so far. Jaguars 24, Texans 20
BEARS AT EAGLES – The better very-flawed team wins. Eagles 22, Bears 19
COLTS AT STEELERS – Mike Tomlin’s team has turned a corner, but it’s still the wrong corner in the wrong part of town. Colts 24, Steelers 17
JETS AT DOLPHINS – The loser of the game should be forced to have Adam Gase as their coach until the next game between the two teams. Just call it the Adam Gase Bowl for the next ten years. Jets 6, Dolphins 5
VIKINGS AT CHIEFS – I am officially the last person on the Kirk Cousins bandwagon, which means it should empty out soon. But still, I’m now with him until I’m against him. Vikings 27, Chiefs 24
TITANS AT PANTHERS – Ryan Tannehill versus a good defense. Panthers 20, Titans 10
REDSKINS AT BILLS – Dwayne Haskins’ soon-to-be impressive career will last until Donald Trump’s out office, you know, in 12 more years. Redskins 23, Bills 19
BUCCANEERS AT SEAHAWKS – Jameis Winston is almost as good a quarterback for Seattle as Russell Wilson. Seahawks 27, Buccaneers 13
LIONS AT RAIDERS – The Raiders are at home and the Lions are the Lions. Raiders 23, Lions 17
PACKERS AT CHARGERS – If this game were in San Diego, the Chargers would have a chance. Packers 37, Chargers 20
BROWNS AT BRONCOS – It is time for Baker Mayfield to quit playing like an undersized quarterback who didn’t even get a college scholarship. Browns 37, Broncos 10
PATRIOTS AT RAVENS – This could be bumpy at first for the Patriots, but the defense is clicking and Tom Brady now has NFL receivers to throw to. Patriots 31, Ravens 17
COWBOYS AT GIANTS – The Giants defense makes Dak Prescott look like a star. Cowboys 33, Giants 13
BYE AT FALCONS – Dan Quinn takes a class on how to pull a knife from your back.
BYE AT BENGALS – Andy Dalton complains that the team never gave Marvin Lewis a fair shot.
BYE AT RAMS – Sean McVay tries to find a young Sean McVay type to help him.
BYE AT SAINTS – Teddy Bridewater shops for financial planners.
This column is sponsored by all the daylight that was saved in the last few months.
These Week 8 NFL Picks, having taken a bye last week because the Cleveland Browns had a bye (for most of the season so far, actually), would like you to get over it.
What the Browns give to me, I give back – a true quid pro quo, which is Latin for: Really, another stupid penalty?
As you know, if you’ve been following this column and not the fake news media with their phony standings, the Cleveland Browns are currently undefeated. They have not lost a game since 1999.
I was discussing this with my imaginary friends who are staying at the What’s Gonna Happen Resort Bar & Grill, located in the state of mind I was in when all of this happened.
That state is located next to Colorado. I can tell because I can see the wall.
Speaking of fake, you people and your phony emoluments clause would probably like the Miami Dolphins to win a game because you are afraid they will get a high draft pick for losing so much. Well, that’s how business works. When you go bankrupt, people reward you.
Any idiot would understand. Speaking of idiots, the other day I was looking in the mirror when it occurred to me that I had to go to the bathroom.
And that’s where I composed this tweet, a quid pro quo just for you, about What’s Gonna Happen.
REDSKINS AT VIKINGS – Kirk Cousins’ Hall Of Fame career lasted three games, but Vikings still win because the Redskins couldn’t beat, well, the Redskins. Vikings 31, Redskins 17
SEAHAWKS AT FALCONS – The mail truck arrives in Atlanta and picks up the season, as it has been mailed in. Seahawks 30, Falcons 13
BRONCOS AT COLTS – Quarterback genius guru John Elway is positioning himself to draft the fifth best quarterback, again and again and again. Because, why would Elway, just about the best prospect ever, want to draft someone rated highly? Colts 31, Broncos 14
BUCCANEERS AT TITANS – Ryan Tannehill moves to wide receiver on the second play of the game, and the magic of a Marriota-to-Tannehill connection begins. Titans 17, Buccaneers 10
CARDINALS AT SAINTS – Drew Brees is very rusty… for the first series. Saints 39, Cardinals 9
BENGALS AT RAMS – Cincinnati is moving to Kentucky after this game. Rams 37, Bengals 6
EAGLES AT BILLS – It turns out that Josh Allen is better than Carson Wentz. Bills 24, Eagles 20
CHARGERS AT BEARS – Mitch Trubisky throws four touchdown passes just to mess with people in Chicago. Bears 31, Chargers 24
GIANTS AT LIONS – Everyone in New York repeat after me… “Eli! Eli! Eli! Eli!” Lions 35, Giants 10
JETS AT JAGUARS – Sam Darnold is intercepted by the ghost of Jalen Ramsey, who comes back just for the occasion. Jaguars 26, Jets 13
PANTHERS AT 49ers – Kyle Allen outplays Jimmy Garoppolo. And Christian McCaffrey helps make the 49ers defense looks mortal. Panthers 20, 49ers 10
RAIDERS AT TEXANS – Deshaun Watson is playing well, and Jon Gruden is betting on next year because it will be easier to keep whatever happens in Las Vegas in Vegas. Texans 36, Raiders 19
BROWNS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots are 7-0 against a bunch of tomato cans. The Browns come into Foxboro disguised as a tomato can. It’s brilliant – like trojan horse brilliant. Freddie Kitchens outsmarts Bill Belichick. It could happen. More bourbon please. Browns 35, Patriots 31
PACKERS AT CHIEFS – When Andrew Yang warns of robots taking over the world, I believe he is warning about Aaron Rodgers. Packers 41, Chiefs 20
DOLPHINS AT STEELERS – As soon as the game begins, the Steelers wonder who are these guys that came their house dressed as NFL players. Steelers 20, Dolphins 3
BYE AT RAVENS – This may be audacious so early in his career, but Lamar Jackson may have a great enough career to get a statue in Baltimore, without even murdering anyone.
BYE AT COWBOYS – Urban Meyer comes to Jason Garrett’s house for Halloween dressed as Urban Meyer. He smiles and says, “Boo!”
This column is sponsored by the favorite sneakers of Chinese prison guards.
These Week 6 NFL Picks, citing the recent court ruling by Judge Malicious C. Kangaroo, will not cooperate with the biased NFL standings.
Judge Kangaroo – they call him “the Captain” – ruled that the corrupt NFL standings are a deep state witch hunt, unfairly based in facts, and that no one takes them seriously anymore anway.
Also, they did not help with Normandy.
It is so easy to prove the NFL standings wrong, it is laughable. The assertion that the Cleveland Browns have only won two games but lost three? What planet are these NFL standings even on?
Oh, Earth? Yeah, but which Earth? The real Earth, or the alternative Earth?
The Cleveland Browns are undefeated. Let me quote statesman-turned-dancer, Sean Spicer, on this: “Period!”
The NFL standings are a liberal conspiracy to undo my predictions from before the season when I said the Browns would win the Super Bowl, and Mexico would pay for it.
And now, there are NFL standings published everywhere in the lamestream media. It’s ridiculous and unfounded. Treasonous even.
Thus, in my great and unmatched wisdom, this very stable genius has come out from behind the curtain to tell you to pay close attention to the man behind the curtain and all my crazy words.
But don’t pay any attention to what I am actually doing. Ha, you won’t.
You’ll spend two days talking about how I can’t spell wirch hunt. Meanwhile, I’ll abandon an ally faster than an ex-Redskins coach because I have profitable hotels in Istanbul. And that’s whatsgonnahappen.
GIANTS AT PATRIOTS – The Giants are not good on defense and they have a rookie quarterback. When Bill Belichick is alone, he dances like no one is watching. Patriots 42, Giants 10
PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – Kyle Allen is like the second coming of Gardner Minshew. Panthers 27, Buccaneers 17
REDSKINS AT DOLPHINS – Vying for the number one pick, this game features 50 fumbles, 92 interceptions, and one penalty per play. Tanking? Ridiclous! Dolphins 3, Redskins 2
EAGLES AT VIKINGS – So Kirk Cousins is great now, and here is your first down payment on that bridge in Brooklyn. Eagles 23, Vikings 16
TEXANS AT CHIEFS – Interesting game. And I’ll take a healthy Deshaun Watson against most teams, despite his bad coach. Texans 37, Chiefs 33
SAINTS AT JAGUARS – Teddy Bridgewater and Garnder Minshew are not supposed to be this good. Well, they are. Meanwhile, Jalen Ramsey’s back is better, but now he has a terrible hangnail. Jaguars 24, Saints 20
SEAHAWKS AT BROWNS – Russell Wilson is playing at an MVP level. Baker Mayfield is making some really great commercials. So that should help. Browns 23, Seahawks 22
BENGALS AT RAVENS – Lamar Jackson will look great again so get ready for more silly hype. Ravens 36, Bengals 16
49ers AT RAMS – Joey Bosa enters therapy for his feelings on a long ago the Ohio State/Oklahoma game and then takes up knitting to express his rage on knitted pillows instead of quarterbacks. And that’s how a Hall Of Fame career was derailed. This has been NFL Films, “Where Are They Now.” 49ers 31, Rams 10
FALCONS AT CARDINALS – The Falcons are completely falling apart and the Cardinals are showing promise so of course I am picking… Falcons 29, Cardinals 19
COWBOYS AT JETS – Sam Darnold is a savior. He saves the Cowboys defense. Cowboys 24, Jets 20
TITANS AT BRONCOS – Joe Flacco and Marcus Mariota would be a really good quarterback if they combined skills. Broncos 20, Titans 10
STEELERS AT CHARGERS – The Chargers are the absolute definition of disappointingly mediocre and the Steelers are taking out ads on Craigslist looking for a quarterback. Chargers 17, Steelers 14
LIONS AT PACKERS – This fairy tale in Green Bay can’t last, can it? Lions 20, Packers 18
BYE AT BILLS – The Bills planned takeover domination of the AFC East is right on schedule… as soon as Tom Brady and Bill Belichick retire.
BYE AT BEARS – Matt Nagy drinks a glass half full of spoiled milk.
BYE AT COLTS – Party at Jim Irsay’s house!
BYE AT RAIDERS – Yes, Jon Gruden spends the week watching “Chucky” movies.
This column is sponsored by the NBA, standing up for Chinese values everywhere.